Jerusalem Moments

[Bar22do]

In the Crowd
(at the annual international puppet theatre festival)

In the Bell Garden, olive boughs
lie scattered on the grass
crackling under the feet
of Mouche and her Seven Dolls*.

You meet my eyes and disclose
hope stamped out from
the twilight's wind failing amid
the crowd, while the night

makes a tell-us-tales coda,
without much pomp other than
a hundred steps on the olive boughs
scattered on the grass.

* Paul Gallico's novella "Love of Seven Dolls", better known as 1953 successful movie "Lili" with Leslie Caron starring Lili (Mouche, in the book)

Outdoors, At Noontime, Without My Babushka
for lallison

Over the stretch of lawns
in Independence Park,
a fire-breathing dragon
at its zealous work.

Defiant of the risk of siriasis
I cross, non compos mentis,
to the other side where
pine trees offer shelter.

Plowing through myriad jabs,
nearly melting, but I speed up,
bareheaded, in iron heat
and reach the pines, wilted.

Kazik says of the last sixty summers
this one's the hottest in Jerusalem…


White

I spot him pushing a pram in King David Park.
‘Josh? it’s been ages!’, we stop in the shadow,
his abundant hair is immaculate white.
‘So you finally did it,’ I smile.
The baby gives a little shiver
as the wind flickers at her bare hand;
a pepper tree softly swings above our heads,
in greens and reds.

He’s radiant. Pearls of sweat
a constellation glistening on his top lip.
And all comes back to mind softened:
D’Israeli street where we were neighbours,
outbursts at his girlfriends on the staircase,
chatting me up as we met by the bins
seconds before my husband left for work.

He now manoeuvers the pram, proud like a peacock –
but this is a colourful simile - while he,
in the afternoon sun, is shiny white,
as if years taught him manners,
and there he dominates,
not yet run in, but already won over.

[dafydd manton]

I loved that one line, "tell-us-tales coda", although I regret that I'm not sufficiently well educated to recognise some of the other references. However, Bar, I have to say that I still really liked it, with it's almost mystic qualities. Thank you so much.

[Hawkman]

As always, sweet Bar, I delight in your dreamy depiction.

If I may though please allow me to suggest that:

"...other than
hundreds steps on the olive boughs..."

needs a little tidy.

you can say, 'a hundred steps on the olive boughs' or 'hundreds stepping on the olive boughs' and my preference would be for the first.

thanks for sharing this one. I love it.

Live and be well H

[Bar22do]

Thank you Dafy (I'll add the missing reference)

and Hawk (mistake corrected),

I'm glad you liked it.

Best to you - Bar

[PrinceMyshkin]

There was something in that climactic 3rd stanza that left me, not only longing for more, but understanding that there was an unspoken something - a yearning? a nostalgia? - that couldn't be spoken without being trampelled and that held the poem in suspension.

[hillwalker]

An enigmatic moment - from the references you attach I picture someone in the audience holding a wordless conversation with the puppets (or pupetteer) - the only sounds are of the olive boughs presumably crushed by the children watching the show.

What goes on between the narrator and the remainder of the cast is never clear (nor is the identity of the narrator - presumably Mouche) - but a certain sadness hangs over the entire scene, perhaps because she is left standing outside looking in on something she can never be part of..... but there again, I could be totally wrong.

A delicately drawn portrait, Bar, and a pleasure to look at. H

[hack]

It is sweet and innocent Bar.
One should always cling to hope.
...peace...

[Bar22do]

Thanks PM, hill and hack!
These days I'm gleaning moments, not very inspired...
This was one of those moments suspended between contrasting worlds and realities, a moment of yearning (PM, I'm glad you felt) for simplicity and innocence waken by the show, a yearning for some primeval rest Love is... but the persona's hope (though encouraged by Mouche's story) is shy and like the twilight wind impossible to anchor, so hack you're right to emphasize the importance of clinging to and strengthening hope... While the night in the park will tell happy end stories to children and adults alike, they all trample on the olive boughs, symbol of peace and eternity (harmony) (it was an olive branch which the dove brought back to Noah when the Flood was over). So hill, you were close when you felt a sadness hanging over the whole scene. Your thorough, detailed reading of the posts always amazes and humbles me!

Thanks you all very much. Bar

[lallison]

Hi Bar,

Your language is interesting to read. The mood is tragic, what with stamping out hope and olive bows. (writing a lot about olives lately). Olives are quite feminine, now that I think about it. It makes me feel empty when i read it. Quite empty.

[Bar22do]

So sorry, lall, my poem had such an effect on you... but still thank you you did relate... Best - Bar

[dafydd manton]

You know, Bar, the more I read that, the more I like it. As you know, I didn't understand the references at first - thanks for adding them - but now I know what it's about, I love it. Thanks for sharing.

[Bar22do]

Outdoors, At Noontime, Without My Babushka
for lallison, aiming reparation...

Over the stretch of lawns
in Independence Park,
a fire-breathing dragon
at its zealous work.

Defiant of the risk of siriasis
I cross, non compos mentis,
to the other side where
pine trees offer shelter.

Plowing through myriad jabs,
nearly melting, but I speed up,
bareheaded, in iron heat
and reach the pines, wilted.

Kazik says of the last sixty summers
this one's the hottest in Jerusalem…

(hopefully this one is less depressing...)

[PrinceMyshkin]

The first three stanzas are an effective description of an unbearably hot day and then the introduction of "Kazik" in the final couplet introduces an element of mystery. One is provoked to ask who this Kazik is, simply another Yerushalmi who happens to be there or someone with authority that is special to the narrator? It would have been an inconspicuous, congruent addition to the foregoing if you had mentioned something innocuous like "My companion says.." but that he is named, elevates his status. At the end of the poem, we are seemingly in medias res.

[dafydd manton]

I could almost feel the oppressive heat, pounding at the top of your head, like your dragon. I especially loved the use of the word "swelten" - not a word I've come across before, but it is perfect for the image. Like our own dear Prince, I half want to know who Kazik is, but I don't want the mystery shattering. Thank you a thousand times.

[Bar22do]

Thanks Dafy for backing up your previous comment on my first Jerusalem Moment plus for reading and appreciating the second!
Thanks PMysh for your last comment. I'll give your suggestion a thought, though I do love mystery (unless you say in this case it harms the poem)...

Be well and enjoy the fresh weather (if it is fresh!) - Best regards - Bar

[hillwalker]

The heat glows off each verse, Bar, and leaves us all grateful for the shelter of the pines.
As for Kazik, leave him there in our imaginations rather than break the spell of mystery st by his ellusive introduction.

[Bar22do]

The heat glows off each verse, Bar, and leaves us all grateful for the shelter of the pines.
As for Kazik, leave him there in our imaginations rather than break the spell of mystery st by his ellusive introduction.

Thanks for your input, hill, always appreciated!

With your good advice, I'll then entrust "Kazik" to the reader's imagination...

Till a next J-m "moment"...

Be well - Bar

[dafydd manton]

Kazik stays! Good!

[blank|verse]

I like these little moments, Bar, these little 'spots of time'. Very appealing, I look forward to more.

The latest has 14 lines, and is presented like a sonnet, and has some irregular end-rhymes... but I'm not sure how intentional they are.

The last couplet is a bit of shift in tone ('telling' not 'showing'!), and the introduction of a character is a bit of a shock, but it somehow still works. Did you consider opening with these lines? (Although then, you might need a stronger ending.)

A few suggestions and typos (which are far too picky for such a small piece, I know, but I think you're used to that from me by now!):
> I'm not sure I like 'ardent work', it suggests a sychophantic little office clerk somehow - a bit too Philip Larkin! But as this image could be a children's entertainer dressed up, it makes sense, but I'm not sure it helps the poem to concentrate on this. Maybe the external scene, the reaction of the children (if that's the intent) etc, would be stronger?
> 'psoriasis' (if that's what you mean)?
> do you need 'there' (line 6)?
> just 'offer shelter'? What you have is acceptable, but I think without the 'a' reads better.
> 'myriad jabs' without the 's'. And what are they from? I would like more detail here.
> 'swelten' - 'sweltering'? Although with a bit of tinkering, you could have 'swelter' which would give you a rhyme with stanza 2's 'shelter'. (There's also 'melting' to add to this list of echoes; maybe you could have some 'wilting' flowers as well?)

Still, it's a great piece - I hope there will be more.

[Bar22do]

That's so funny, B/V! - SIRIASIS (insolation, sunstroke), not PSORIASIS (which might actually benefit from ultraviolet sunrays...).

Now, I intentionally separated the "telling" final couplet (which quotes "Kazik"'s words exactly - I had to recall him in this context...) from the hopefully showing rest, and yes, became aware, after it was written, of the 14 L sonnet-approaching form, though didn't work on rhymes or meter I must admit. Hence, not really a sonnet I'm afraid.

I used "ardent" in the sense of "burning" (went well with sun's dragon like exhaling fire...???) to add to the sensation of unbearable heat. So simply "burning", perhaps? (I'll think of it, but it wasn't meant to entertain children!... still thanks for Ph. Larkin, not such a bad company!)

I can do without 6thL's "there" (would "here" be more appropriate to stress the moment N dives to cross, or is it better simply "I cross"...?)

Yes of course, "offer shelter"...

It's heat's "jabs" (well, perhaps not the best choice...), I hoped it was felt. "myriad jab", then? but I read so many examples of myriad + plural, so what's wrong here?

I digged "swelten" from Middle English of German origin... for "swelter" wasn't right syntax-wise... but I was expecting thunders upon my head as I dared to use it... So you say "swelter" could do, after all? Btw, is it not done at all to throw a ME word into a contemporary poem?

There are no flowers at all in this particular park, so they can't be "wilted" but I'll work on echoing sounds...

I'm so glad you found my "moments" appealing! Thanks again for being an unfailing source of reassurance and - especially!!! - of improvement of my efforts which thus feel less futile...

Best to you (when will you grace us with your own verse???!) - Bar

[blank|verse]

That's so funny, B/V! - SIRIASIS (insolation, sunstroke), not PSORIASIS (which might benefit from ultraviolet sunrays...).
Whoops! I checked the dictionary and everything. Typing it into Google came up with you-know-what! (And I did think - 'Hmm, scaly skin - maybe like the dragon?'!) Leave me alone, I'm not medically trained as well as a poet, like John Keats!

Other things:
> Free verse sonnets are more than acceptable.
> My dictionary also tells me you're right about 'ardent' but, well, I've never heard it used in that sense, so think a little change wouldn't be a bad move.
> And I imagine Philip Larkin was 'bad company' - especially after a few drinks, unfortunately.
> You had 'myriads jabs', so I was suggesting 'myriad jabs'.
> "Btw, is it not done at all to throw a ME word into a contemporary poem?" No. Not unless it's relevant and you can make it sound like it belongs in the poem naturally; or you're Hawkman writing a comedy poem!
> "There are no flowers at all in this particular park" - it's a POEM! There can be multi-coloured dancing flamingoes if you want there to be!! :smilewinkgrin: Otherwise, fair point - maybe something else could be 'wilting'. Just a suggestion, and I think you get the idea behind what I was saying.
> That is all! b|v

[Bar22do]

Be it then, for want of multi-coloured flamingoes dancing under the cruel sun - I'll be "wilted"... (of course I got the idea)

Is not the term "siriasis" full of cosmic musics? not like some vulgar "sunstroke" or "insolation"...

Thanks a million for your all encompassing eye. Bar

Bar

[lallison]

non compos mentis indeed.

You'd never guess where I spent my afternoon yesterday: think neighborhoods of corrugated tin and plywood. But I digress.

This one is not at all empty, it's filled with life. Stiflingly so.
My favorite line:

Defiant of the risk of siriasis
the defiance here is a plucky insistence in moving on, despite natures foudroyant obstacles. Sometimes a simple step down the street is a tremendous accomplishment, and you breath life into this. The tare of your poem, this one in particular, is an honor. Thanks very much. I'm going to keep it in a special place.

[Hawkman]

Yes, Sweet Bar, your really paint a vivid picture with the heat of the day and it's enervating effects on all who live beneath the blazing sun. I never knew thered were pine trees in Jerusalem, just don't associate them with the holy land. Thaught it was all cedars :D so thanks for broadening my horizons. Thanks for sharing.

Live and be well, your Hawk.

[Bar22do]

Yes, Sweet Bar, your really paint a vivid picture with the heat of the day and it's enervating effects on all who live beneath the blazing sun. I never knew thered were pine trees in Jerusalem, just don't associate them with the holy land. Thaught it was all cedars :D so thanks for broadening my horizons. Thanks for sharing.

Live and be well, your Hawk.

The resin's scent is a delight of our pine woods (as it is of wine, in Greece). Pinus Halepensis is also called the Jerusalem Pine, it grows all over the countries bordering on the Mediterranean! Some pretend it was the original Christmas tree though I'm not the right person to be trusted as far as history... I'm reassured to have known something you didn't! :smile5: yours, with renewed thanks, Bar

[Bar22do]

White

I spot him pushing a pram in King David Park.
‘Josh? it’s been ages!’, we stop in the shadow,
his abundant hair is immaculate white.
‘So you finally did it,’ I smile.
The baby gives a little shiver
as the wind flickers at her bare hand;
a pepper tree softly swings above our heads,
in greens and reds.

He’s radiant. Pearls of sweat
a constellation glistening on his top lip.
And all comes back to mind softened:
D’Israeli street where we were neighbours,
outbursts at his girlfriends on the staircase,
chatting me up as we met by the bins
seconds before my husband left for work.

He now manoeuvers the pram, proud like a peacock –
but this is a colourful simile - while he,
in the afternoon sun, is shiny white,
as if years taught him manners,
and there he dominates,
not yet run in, but already won over.

[PrinceMyshkin]

as if years taught him manners,
and there he dominates,
not yet run in, but already won over.

What a gloriously quiet yet triumphant tribute to the power of parenthood, and a humbly observant conclusion to this procession of sharply observed details.

[Hawkman]

Sweet Bar,

Another thoughtfully observed piece with an air of quiet reflection. The first and last stanzas are quite perfect but the second throws me a little.

the line, "And all feels relented:" is where I would look for an alternative word. there is a tense change in the line, all feels (present tense) and, relented (past tense). To relent, to soften or relax or even repent. to slow down. It is an unusual word to employ in this context as it is unclear what is relenting.

The girlfreinds should be on the staircase and "chatting up" is a colloquialism for for trying to pick up a member of the opposite sex, so your use of it here is a little misleading. :) The narrator is female, so having "...his girlfriends on the staircase, chatting me up... reads oddly. I know on close examination that you are talking about Josh doing the chatting up but I think there is a slight clumsiness in the expression here which might be be better worded.

But as I say, on the whole a very good poem and I always enjoy reading your work.

Best, Hawk.

[dafydd manton]

I enjoyed that, Bar, his pride is tangible. I especially like the third stanza, which I thought was very sweet, and yet respectful. Thanks.

[hillwalker]

Enjoyed this Bar - a bit peplexed regarding the choice of title until I read the final stanza, but I especially liked the last two lines of verse 1 (a little colourful exoticism goes a long way when autumn's knocking on the door up here)

H

[hoope]

WoW.. i really enjoyed going through all the posts ... IThey are so marvelous !
Great Job Bar :D

[Bar22do]

Thanks PM, Hawk, Daf, hill and hoope.

Daf, I always have respect for people's capacity to make amends.

Hill, yeah, an exotic touch - right now, pepper trees' slender pendant branches offer attractive clusters of rose-pink fruits...

hoope, I'm touched by your genuine enjoyment these little things have given you.

PM, the bliss of parenthood sometimes (though sadly not always) does wonders...

Hawk, when (she)N was Josh's neighbour, he had one girlfriend after another but loved anything in a skirt... I'll ponder the question of clarity; thanks so much for your hawk sight's corrections (pls see my changes, the problematic L).
I've just checked, "chat up" according to my dictionary is a late 1800s, mainly British, generally accepted phrase, not particularly colloquial. So hard to get the right feeling of these things...

Thank you all very much

[Hawkman]

That's much better Bar, good edit, although I might still suggest the addition of, his before, "chatting me up..." to avoid possible confusion as to whether it is the girlfriends doing the chatting :D but the way it is now worded makes it far less awkward to read. Good edit :) and it's a great poem.

Best, Your Hawk.

[Bar22do]

hawk all my gratitude for your assistance, I notice I even managed a little assonance, while revising (top lip - softened). A reason for rejoicing! but I'm hesitant about "his", I'll try to trust the reader, for "his" somehow breaks the rhythm...

[blank|verse]

Excellent, Bar - my favourite of the three.

The narrator is clearly taken with 'Josh' in his glowing white - is he in a boy band like Westlife? (WestBankLife??) :smilielol5:
Oh dear, laughing at my own jokes. Anyway, I'm only jealous!

I like the 'constellation' of sweat, a nice, detailed observation. And I really enjoyed the humorous 'chat-up' section, and don't see what that should be a problem. It certainly gives a great account of what 'Josh' was like in his bachelor days.

The postmodern intervention of the poet in the third stanza is well achieved as well; this can be difficult to do, but is here handled adeptly and with a light touch.

Other comments - maybe 'proud as a peacock'? And I'm not bowled over by 'softened' in the second stanza. But my only real issue is that I don't think the ending quite nails it for me. The 'years taught him manners' line is stronger than the two that follow, leaving a slight anti-climax. But there we go.

Overall, a pleasure to read. Great poem, Bar.

[Lumiere]

These, Bar, are savory and I enjoyed them much, especially this third moment with pearly old-new Josh.

[Bar22do]

Thanks a lot Lumière and B/V! I'm glad you liked it.

B/V, I'm thinking of another close, have not yet found one, perhaps because I like this anti-climatic (but I was hoping touching) final observation. Josh is clearly a new, improved guy now, not yet experienced, but enthusiastic and so much into the novelty of his condition!
I used the cliched "proud as a peacock" intentionally, because Josh's funny, too obvious a pride. It also served as a trigger for my postmodern, poet's intervention!

How about "dimmed" instead of "softened"?

Anyhow, thank you all for helping my modest efforts so unfailingly! :smile5:

[Hawkman]

"How about "dimmed" instead of "softened"?"

Honestly, Bar, I don't think this would be appropriate. Dimmed implies a difficulty in seeing due to bad light, or fading perhaps. But you recount N's memories clearly enough and the softness sort of implies that though the experiences might have been irritating at the time, the N can now look back on them with amusement in hindsight.

Best, H

[Bar22do]

Thanks hawk. I must be rather dim... eh. I'll go for English lessons, out of despair. :rofl: