She's Gone with the Wind Again

[angliholic]

I've been lying here waiting;
A noisy brook nearby has been babbling for one and a half afternoon.
No footstep of my love in the mist,
only a wood of whispering pines
whispering her name over and over again.
One day and a half lingers as long as one century and a half.

She's gone with the wind again,
nowhere to be found.
Only a summer of cicadas
keep singing her song over and over again.

My heart tells me I have to travel alone
without her company.

To hear her clear crispy voice again, it takes ages and ages.
Ah! I can only leave her rippling dimples
to my dream.

[hillwalker]

There are some sweet moments of sorrow in this poem; the memories of a loved one that cannot be erased because they appear everywhere after she is gone.

A few points

L2 reads rather awkwardly

A noisy brook nearby has been babbling one and half an afternoon.

would more correctly be written as

A noisy brook nearby has been babbling for one and a half afternoons.

wispering should read 'whispering' - and is repeated in L 4 and L 5 (but that might well be intentional)

L6

One and half a day lingers as long as one and half a century.

again is not a recognised expression - perhaps

One day and a half lingers as long as one century and a half.

and finally verse 3

'A hunch tells me' - personally I don't like your use of the word 'hunch' here (it sounds like a gambler about to put a bet on a horse race) - perhaps 'My heart tells me'??

and 'it'll take ages and ages' again is rather a weak phrase - the poem deserves better.

But these are only my personal opinions - a fine poem that just needs a little tidying up.

H

[adityasam]

I liked the poem, the description was very nice, though I could feel the sorrow. Just listen to hillwalker and you will improve your writing, faster than you can imagine.

Regards!

[angliholic]

There are some sweet moments of sorrow in this poem; the memories of a loved one that cannot be erased because they appear everywhere after she is gone.
H

Thanks again, Hillwalker, for the nice feedback and corrections.

I've reworded the piece based on your opinions.

Thanks for the teaching!

Wish you well


I liked the poem, the description was very nice, though I could feel the sorrow. Just listen to hillwalker and you will improve your writing, faster than you can imagine.

Regards!

Thanks, Adi, for your kind words again.

Wish you well