A Mirage

[angliholic]

Hungry vultures hover and circle over an infinite wilderness;
a traveler
lies alone on his belly.

No more story,
only vines of bleeding hearts growing wild
all over his body.

[hillwalker]

A very striking image - man worn down by the elements and 'returned' to nature.

I think it could do with a little fine-tuning,

'boundless wilderness' (the two '-ess's don't sound as smooth when read out loud) - perhaps 'infinite wilderness' or 'interminable wilderness' might fit better

line 3 is rather weak and could do with rewording

and

'growing wild' is preferable to 'grow wild' in the context.

But all the above are only my personal opinions as usual so feel free to pass

H

[angliholic]

A very striking image - man worn down by the elements and 'returned' to nature.

I think it could do with a little fine-tuning,

'boundless wilderness' (the two '-ess's don't sound as smooth when read out loud) - perhaps 'infinite wilderness' or 'interminable wilderness' might fit better

line 3 is rather weak and could do with rewording

and

'growing wild' is preferable to 'grow wild' in the context.

But all the above are only my personal opinions as usual so feel free to pass

H

Thanks, Hillworker, for the nice comment.

I couldn't agree with you more!


Wish you well!

[Bar22do]

Interesting, though I think (but it might be only me) erasing "of bleeding hearts" from L5 would strengthen the poem's intended impact. Thanks for sharing this... Best - Bar

[angliholic]

Interesting, though I think (but it might be only me) erasing "of bleeding hearts" from L5 would strengthen the poem's intended impact. Thanks for sharing this... Best - Bar

Thanks, Bar, for the advice.

But bleeding hearts are not only beautiful but meaningful!

[Bar22do]

Thanks, Bar, for the advice.

But bleeding hearts are not only beautiful but meaningful!

Sorry then, I felt "vine growing wild all over his body" conveyed both beauty and meaning of the unsaid. But it was only me. Just forget my suggestion then, and be well. Bar

[angliholic]

Sorry then, I felt "vine growing wild all over his body" conveyed both beauty and meaning of the unsaid. But it was only me. Just forget my suggestion then, and be well. Bar

Thanks, Bar, for your advice and feedback all the same!


Be well and best regards,