My Ladybird Barber

[angliholic]

A summer wind
brought me to a small barber’s booth
under a shady tree on a scenic hillside.

The lady barber is young and coy;
when she smiles,
rosy clouds paint all over her cheeks.

While trimming off my three thousand hairs of worries,
she kept whispering to me
like a shy ladybird.
When she said, “You have a good-looking face!”
This was the only thing I could recall clearly.
I promised her I’d grace her shop again with an autumn breeze.

Walking on cloud nine back home, I overheard someone thinking out loud:

Praise the Lord!

You’ve been so kind to a mineral!

[PrinceMyshkin]

Well, no one would accuse you of writing the same poem over and over again and while I enjoyed this, I haven't a clue what to make of that last line, although it and the two preceding ones make for a nice surrealist ending.

[hillwalker]

You label yourself as a 'mineral person' so perhaps this explains the rather bizarre final line?

As for the poem, it's certainly original in terms of subject matter and imagery. I don't feel qualified enough to comment on much of its content but a couple of tiny changes might make this a tighter piece of writing -

under a shady big tree on a scenic hillside.

the word 'big' rather upsets the neat double rhythm (set by 'shady tree' and 'shady hill...'

and

While I was walking on cloud nine home, I heard someone thinking out loud:

might read better as 'walking home on cloud nine...'

Otherwise, interesting and amusing

H

[angliholic]

Well, no one would accuse you of writing the same poem over and over again and while I enjoyed this, I haven't a clue what to make of that last line, although it and the two preceding ones make for a nice surrealist ending.

Thanks, Prince, for the nice feedback.
I try to scribble everything in a beauttiful way. That's way you would think I write the same scribbling over and over again. In fact, there are many different subject matters!


You label yourself as a 'mineral person' so perhaps this explains the rather bizarre final line?

As for the poem, it's certainly original in terms of subject matter and imagery. I don't feel qualified enough to comment on much of its content but a couple of tiny changes might make this a tighter piece of writing -

under a shady big tree on a scenic hillside.

the word 'big' rather upsets the neat double rhythm (set by 'shady tree' and 'shady hill...'

and

While I was walking on cloud nine home, I heard someone thinking out loud:

might read better as 'walking home on cloud nine...'

Otherwise, interesting and amusing

H
Thanks, Hillwalker, for your nice feedback and advice again.

YOu have a good ear for rythem, which I admire and envy very much!