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miyako73
08-11-2010, 10:26 AM
We both settled on June of last year
When you and I would be thirty-two.
I thought of a backless Vera Wang
And you, a buttoned Armani tuxedo.

You wanted the sunset in your Uncle’s ranch in Nevada,
But I liked the songs of angels in a church in San Diego
Or the garden of roses and daisies in San Juan Capistrano,
And we ended up with the emerald waves of Santa Monica.

While you were in faraway Bashra
I made our orange and gold invitations,
Planned our elaborate beach ceremony
And tasted desserts for our reception.

Breezy April came when I started expecting you at the door,
On my phone for your voice, your kissed words, your sighs.
You said you were fine, setting bones and stitching wounds,
and could not wait to unveil a beauty walking down the aisle.

I too could not wait for the platinum ring
You once put in an empty bullet metal box
But later kept under your camouflaged pillow
To keep it away from bombs, sand, and dust.

In mid May, we were still excited and ready like we had been
When you promised to return after your desert duty in the Army
That sent you to the College where we met and dreamed love
By the river where we rowed into the ripples glistening in the sun.

Last Saturday of June was our long-waited day
When I overslept in your large shirt of army gray.
I took a shower alone and lathered the soap,
drowning my breathes in its bubbles and froths.

Three in the afternoon on the clock, an hour before our eternal vow
By the altar arched by petunias, tangerine roses, and white cattleyas.
From the tub still dripping, I sat on the vanity stool and faced the mirror
and brushed butterfly colors on my face and stabbed my lips with red.

I carefully wore the embroidered beaded gown
And put on the lacy veil just above my cold nape.
The shoes still fit even though I lost many pounds
But the necklace you gave was itchy and heavy.

Already four, the phantom priest and the ghost singer had not yet arrived.
I looked serene in white, and you, peaceful in your beret and green uniform
Smiling at me like the war had been won and we would kiss each other soon.
I curled in my bed holding you flagged and framed in gold, in my tight embrace.


(Thanks, Hillwalker. I just hate any form of war.)

PrinceMyshkin
08-11-2010, 10:53 AM
I have a problem with the tenses in the first two lines, where you seem to refer simultaneously to the past and the conditional future?

Shouldn't be something like

In June of last year we settled on our wedding date

Apart from which, this is heartbreaking even though managed with your customary attention to detail and unruffled voice.

miyako73
08-11-2010, 11:00 AM
I meant we settled on the date that was june of last year.

PrinceMyshkin
08-11-2010, 11:06 AM
I meant we settled on the date that was june of last year.

It might clear that up a bit if you changed "I already picked..." to "I'd already picked..."

Also, "both" in l 1 is redundant.

hillwalker
08-11-2010, 12:13 PM
This is a very touching poem miyako beause it makes the futility of war so personal - and the way you list the simple preparations for what should be a wonderful day makes the dreaded, inevitable ending even more poignant.

Some of it tends to get a little prosey (verse 6 in particular) so perhaps a little judicious trimming could make the poem even more hard-hitting. But a fine accomplishment, and I am honoured my own piece provided some inspiration for you.

H

miyako73
08-11-2010, 12:47 PM
I don't know if I've succeeded. I experimented with the alternating lengths of the verses to have thoughts in relaxed contemplation (shorter verses) and thoughts in loaded derangement (prosey longer verses), a see-saw of emotions and memories.

Hawkman
08-11-2010, 12:56 PM
Hi miyako,

I too thought this was a solid poem dealing very effectivlely with its subject. I have to echo hill's comment about S6 though. I feel you might pay a little attention to the meter and perhaps tidy the expression of the thoughts here, but otherwise it is a very effective poem, which I found deeply moving. Thanks for sharing. H

miyako73
08-12-2010, 04:44 PM
Thank you, all, for the comments and inspirations.

lallison
08-13-2010, 06:37 PM
You're a star. I just loved that the first time I read it. Can't thank you enough for posting it. It's a very, very thought-provoking work. Have a gold star.....no - have three!

miyako73
08-14-2010, 10:59 AM
Thanks for reading. I saw you're from Manila. Kumusta!