Ambush

[Hawkman]

Little sonic thunderclaps as rifle rounds fly past;
pings of punctured metal as they strike the sides of cars.
Heavy chugging, that’s our 50, firing back at last -
better call an air-strike, it’ll stop the buggers fast.

Afghan AK’s spitting hate;
you trace its passage in the spurting dust,
blindly searching in its lust:
time to hug the bottom of the ditch.
A shout of RPG!
The sound of two opposing armies tearing
air in two, then an orange-gold rosette,
with smoky streamers, trailing bits.
Your ears ring
to shouts of joy and cheers,
your mates delighting in another’s death,
the fact that they survive
evinced with every breath.
Thank heaven for close air support,
it makes your war such entertaining sport.

Proud parents, you should see them now,
your little darlings. You remember their first steps,
the angels and the shepherds in church halls –
now they’re ruthless killers, one and all.

[dafydd manton]

Hawk, I get the feeling that there's a couple of bits in there that we both know. That is one very powerful poem, and it certainly makes you think. Strange, isn't it, how as you get older you get an idea of the sheer futility of it all. Good job the human brain generally only remembers the good bits. Cracking bit of work, though.

[lallison]

wow, a lot about war on here lately. The shock of the opening lines at bringing us right into the middle of battle is brilliant. Great poem in the likes of Wilfred Owen.

[hillwalker]

A really vivid piece of writing Hawk - raw with detail and aggression.

If I may, I will take issue with line 7 - the rhyme intrudes, as does the rather awkward metaphor ('lust'?), particularly as this section of the poem is all about action, (imho the poem can lose this without being any the worse for it)

H

[Hawkman]

Hawk, I get the feeling that there's a couple of bits in there that we both know. That is one very powerful poem, and it certainly makes you think. Strange, isn't it, how as you get older you get an idea of the sheer futility of it all. Good job the human brain generally only remembers the good bits. Cracking bit of work, though.

Hi Dafydd, yes I drew on a memory or two. Glad it resonated with you and gave you something to think about.


wow, a lot about war on here lately. The shock of the opening lines at bringing us right into the middle of battle is brilliant. Great poem in the likes of Wilfred Owen.

lall, thank you very much. I hope Wilf won't be spinning in his grave at the comparison though :D


A really vivid piece of writing Hawk - raw with detail and aggression.

If I may, I will take issue with line 7 - the rhyme intrudes, as does the rather awkward metaphor ('lust'?), particularly as this section of the poem is all about action, (imho the poem can lose this without being any the worse for it)

H

Hi hill and thanks for your your praise and for your thoughts.

I'm not sure why you feel that this particular rhyme is innapropriate or intrusive though. With the heavy rhyming in S1 with 3 out of 4 lines rhymed, the linking of dust and lust doesn't strike me as out of place. Also I don't think the metaphore of lust awkward. I was thinking of the lust to kill and the hate spitting from the muzzles of the AKs.

This doesn't mean I consider the poem flawless though, not by a long shot.

Do you mind if I ask you how you interpret this?

"Your ears ring
to the sound of joy and cheers,
your mates delighting in another’s death,
the fact that they are not
evinced with every breath."

I suspect there is a problem here, It niggles, but I'm not going to tell you what it is in case I'm wrong :D

Thanks to you all again for reading and commenting. Live and be well. H

[hillwalker]

Do you mind if I ask you how you interpret this?

"Your ears ring
to the sound of joy and cheers,
your mates delighting in another’s death,
the fact that they are not
evinced with every breath."

I suspect there is a problem here, It niggles, but I'm not going to tell you what it is in case I'm wrong :D


Well, if you want to get really analytical :

one could suggest 'cheering' might be better than 'joy and cheer' -

perhaps one would expect 'Your ears ringing' rather than 'Your ears ring' to match 'your mates delighting' (although grammatically both make sense) -

and that fourth line is a bit ambiguous - the 'they are not' makes one reconsider who 'they' are and what are they 'not' doing? The answers are obvious, but the fact one has to ask the question perhaps means the expression is a bit awry.

Glad you asked???

- and ref the rhyming of 'dust' and 'lust' I referred to earlier, my thought was that stanza 2 was where the action started, where things begin to lose control as it were, so this solitary rhyming couplet at the opening of it seemed out of place.....

But you know how it goes, this is my own opinionated opinion, so feel free to treat acordingly

Best, H

[Hawkman]

Thanks, hill. I was most concerned about what was intended and what was actually said in this passage. I have posted a general revision which takes care of all my qualms, though I'm afraid the lust/dust rhyme stays in :D

Thanks for your input.

Best, H

[hillwalker]

I'm afraid the lust/dust rhyme stays in :D


Hawk, we all have our own opinions on everybody else's work - and that's why we ask for input on our own as well, in order to analyse the processes we each go through and compare notes.

Thanks for giving me the chance to crit yours, and for having the gumption to stick to your guns.

H

[Maryd.]

I have taken my little cap off to Dafyyd and bowed. Looks like I am going to do the same for you sir. This is very powerful writing indeed. But do not ask me to chose between this and Tanks for the Memories... I cannot.

[Hawkman]

Fair enough Mary, I won't :D I will just thank you for reading and appreciating them both.

Live long and prosper, H

[kittypaws]

Hi Hawkman ~


"Proud parents, you should see them now,
your little darlings. You remember their first steps,
the angels and the shepherds in church halls –
now they’re ruthless killers, one and all. "


This really struck me in an odd way, as I don't see them as ruthless killers as they are defending a right they believe in (I would assume.) Yet at the same time it is taking a human life but put in that situation it becomes life or death for someone. The sad part is when they return home they are not the same as when they left.

I really did enjoy your poem...just making a comment!!

Kitty

[Hawkman]

Hi Kitty, You sort of got the point, really. The truth is soldiers don't generally fight for causes, political ideals or any of that stuff. They fight for eachother. They are dumped into hell and they do what they do for their mutual survival and because it becomes unthinkable to be seen to be letting down their friends.

But modern warfare is often like a video game for many of the soldiers of technologically advanced nations like America, and Britain. An apache gunship can hover, unseen 2 miles away from the action and strafe a target, in the dark, with 30mm cannon shells and pinpoint accuracy. The pilot spends his war watching telly.

The grunts on the ground have it somewhat tougher of course but close air support is a definite plus. But yes, the point I was making was that young men, barely more than boys, are turned into killers by their governments. To the young, war is a game. The sad part is they don't stay young for ever. Combat has a way of ageing you quite quickly.

Anyway, thanks for reading and commenting on the poem. Best, H

[kittypaws]

http://i801.photobucket.com/albums/yy299/kittypaws_jones/War/war.jpg


I understand and agree with your point of view but it is only a video game if you are the one with the controls and not everyone gets to use them. The rest are learning about reality.

But you are correct in that young men, barely more than boys, are turned into killers by their governments.

Sad ins't it? Very sad.

Kittypaws

[Delta40]

powerful. I think the world is arriving at that Vietnam state of mind

[Hawkman]

no argument from me on that one kitty.

Hi D40, Thanks and yes. Governments seem incapabable of learning the lessons of history.

Best, H

[PrinceMyshkin]

What a strong poem! Perhaps because I just finished reading a novel that derived its title from it, I was reminded of the first verse of this poem by Siegfried Sassoon:


Does it matter?–losing your legs?
For people will always be kind
And you need not show that you mind
When the others come in after hunting
To gobble their muffins and eggs.

[Hawkman]

Thanks Prince, this one took some fiddling with to get it right. I liked the rawness of the original draft but it didn't read well. I think this says it all without compromising the intent. I Always liked Sassoon's work.

Live and be well, H

[Bar22do]

Me gone for a while, now there seems to be no end to my discoveries of your creations, page after page, as I turn them backwards (which also proves how faithful I am, by the way)!
Can't go over the comments, so, sorry if I repeat something. You seem to be war oriented these days, and your leash untied you flog the folks, politics, parents equally while you reveal once again the absurdity of life spent in a battlefield... It seems humankind wants to live forever for the pleasure to kill... Best from me as always - Bar

[.Kafka]

I wonder when Afghanistan will be internationally written off as the next Vietnam. The same money the U.K. is spending on the 'war effort' could be utilized for healthcare, education, and families affected by the recession. Or it could be contributed to organizations that help the millions of Afghan refugees who are now living illegally in Pakistan. The war in Afghanistan is self-sustaining and futile. Moreover, I doubt the '3 trillion dollar mineral reserve' in Afghanistan will for a long time be harvested, as is the situation with oil in Iraq.