Poor Kid

[dafydd manton]

Young girl sitting on a park bench,
Watching over a baby.
Younger brother perhaps?
Prambound.
She sits, arms folded, grim faced,
Looking slightly sad.
In her hair, a red ribbon
Incongruously bright against the grey
Of a Yorkshire mining village.
The slag heap.
She cares for the child as a mother would,
Mannerisms, looks, speech.
And yet...
She is no more than ten.
Sitting interminably on her bench
in the noonday sun,
yet she is still there
at dusk.
Attentive, guardian angel,
Looking out over the Green
Where her friends play.
And she?
She sits there,
Arms folded,
Grim faced,
Looking slightly sad.
Old before her time.

[Hawkman]

Dafydd, I thought you said you couldn't write poetry...

This is tragic, compassionate, sharply observed and just plain good.

One thing though,

"Where her friends play.
And her? *
She sits there,"

This may not matter to everyone but the grammatical error bugs me a bit. It should be 'she' not her, so perhaps you might consider:

"...Where her friends play.
And she
just sits there,"

I know you lose the rhetorical question but it's not essential. Just a thought.

Still, outstanding poem mate. Well done. H

[Jerrybaldy]

Frankly, I find this peice..... etc :)
seriously daf, I am sure I read you saying you had only written two serious poems and didnt like either of them ... so whether this is number one, two or a new number three, it painted a picture to me of the red ribbon and the grey background and the sad little surrogate mum and I loved it .
cheers
JB

[dafydd manton]

Thanks, fellers. I really appreciate it. Hawk, you're right (as ever), that line bothered me but I couldn't work out why. I'll change it in a sec.

Jerry, it was one of the two, I'm still unsure, to be honest, but I thought it was worth a try. (The worst I could get was omelette sur le visage)

[Hawkman]

You know, I was afraid that the repetition of she after the rhetorical question would be a bug but it really works. Good call. H

[Delta40]

there seems to be a subtle inference with the term 'slag heap', which could explain why a ten year old girl is given the care of her baby brother.... very powerful poem and thought provoking too.

[dafydd manton]

there seems to be a subtle inference with the term 'slag heap', which could explain why a ten year old girl is given the care of her baby brother.... very powerful poem and thought provoking too.

Your mind is obviously as devious as mine!! Well spotted, it was deliberate, yes. Thanks for the comments.

[Maryd.]

I drop my hat, as I take a bow to the Man who writes such beautiful work...:thumbsup:

[hillwalker]

A haunting picture, daf, and I love the way we picture her 'still there' as 'she sits' and again 'she sits' - never moving throughout the poem as the world she should be part of revolves around her.

This is a moment frozen in time, but also because of her upbringing (presumably) she becomes a static point in a living landscape.... that's what this wonderful poem conjured up for me. Someone pinned down into an existence she does not deserve.

Time to reconsider your abilities perhaps.....

H

[dafydd manton]

A haunting picture, daf, and I love the way we picture her 'still there' as 'she sits' and again 'she sits' - never moving throughout the poem as the world she should be part of revolves around her.

This is a moment frozen in time, but also because of her upbringing (presumably) she becomes a static point in a living landscape.... that's what this wonderful poem conjured up for me. Someone pinned down into an existence she does not deserve.

Time to reconsider your abilities perhaps.....

H

Sheesh!! Thanks for that Hill, I'm really flattered by all the comments, and especially from so many poets I respect. The thought of the reconsidering, though? Truly terrifying. I've got a couple more I wrote years ago, so I may pluck up the courage and try them out. All I ask is, if you're going to throw fruit, please take it out of the tins first!

D

[Haunted]

a snapshot of self sacrifice... such a poignant and beautiful piece, Dafy.

[dafydd manton]

Thank you all so much. I've never shown any of my "serious" stuff to anybody else before, not even family, so I was very wary, but your positive comments have made me re-think things a bit. Thanks once again.

[PrinceMyshkin]

What sharp, compassionate observation. Bravo.