For a Green Basil

[angliholic]

Wearing a green blouse,
standing outside in the morning,
you are a maid from an ancient palace
carrying a long vase on your shoulder.

Small purple bells dot the vase here and there,
and every bell gives off a faint scent.

Four buzzing bees come flying to collect your sweet pollen,
all dancing like four cheerful young lasses,
gathering water from a well in an age-old town.

The well is so deep and cool
overflowing with nectar all the year.
It's drink for Muse to replenish a fountain of inspiration
That has been dried-up for ages.

[adityasam]

Good one. Typo there "or collecting nectar from your sweet flowers". Is this indigenous to Taiwan because I felt in India, they carry earthen pots with water or honey, that's nothing to worry about. I felt an earthen pot would be even more apt and would be a perfect thing for the last line
that has been dried-up for ages and ages.. However if this is a translation, then ignore my words. By the way, the description of the dancing bees was good. Keep it up, good work.

Regards

[PrinceMyshkin]

The flow of images here was so compelling that I felt the desire to protest when it ended so soon. Good work.

[hillwalker]

An enjoyable poem - have to agree with adityasam that the current last line is rather a weak exit

[angliholic]

Good one. Typo there "or collecting nectar from your sweet flowers". Is this indigenous to Taiwan because I felt in India, they carry earthen pots with water or honey, that's nothing to worry about. I felt an earthen pot would be even more apt and would be a perfect thing for the last line . However if this is a translation, then ignore my words. By the way, the description of the dancing bees was good. Keep it up, good work.

Regards

Thanks, Adit, for the nice comment and suggestions.
I reworded the last lines a bit but I'm still not satisfied with it.
Maybe, I'll let it go as it is now. When some day my muse calls me again, I'll recast it again.


The flow of images here was so compelling that I felt the desire to protest when it ended so soon. Good work.
Thanks, Prince, for your nice feedback.
I'll keep working on the last part!



An enjoyable poem - have to agree with adityasam that the current last line is rather a weak exit

Thanks, Hillwalker, for the nice feedback.

I have reworded my last lines but it can be done better in the future, I believe.

Thanks and best regards to you all!

[angliholic]

Good evening, my friends.

My muse just made a call as sweet as my mistress'
That left me in a tingling inspiration.
And I jotted down what I felt in no time!
Please give me feedback on the following new version if my muse proves me right!


Wearing a green blouse,
standing outside in the morning,
you look like a maid from an ancient palace
carrying a long vase on your shoulder.

Small purple bells dot your vase here and there,
and every bell gives off a faint scent.
Four buzzing bees come flying to collect your sweet pollen,
all dancing like four cheerful young lasses,
gathering water from a well in an age-old town.

The well is so deep and cool
overflowing with nectar all the year.
Tis drink of the gods
and the fountain of my inspiration.