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JBrower
08-05-2010, 01:46 PM
Revised version, based on tailor STATELY's astute observation (original still below for comparison):

My pet name for her was Sugar-Cain,
but I was never able to focus –
she traipses through the kitchen
buck-naked but for knee-high
striped socks, like candy canes –
to unwrap her sticky, sugar-spun
sweetness. If I could only pause,
stop frying my eggs,
and follow her back to soft
Egyptian cotton and a lazy day
between the sheets - But pause
I will not, my eggs already are
regrettably over-hard and today's
plans cannot wait. She'll go back
to bed without me, strip off her candy
stripes and slide into pajama pants,
wriggle under the comforter, and drift
into more mundane dreams. To her,
milquetoast is murder, her blood
on my plans, so I won't see her
for three months. She's sleeping
with someone else, all her sugar
without my clotted fat, more eggs
frying too long on my lonely stove.

Original:
My pet name for her was Sugar-Cain
but I was never able, with her
traipsing through the kitchen
buck-naked but for knee-high
striped socks, like candy canes
for me to unwrap her sticky, sugary
sweetness, if I could just pause,
stop frying my eggs,
and follow her back to soft
Egyptian cotton and a lazy day
between the sheets. But pause
I will not, my eggs already are
regrettably over-hard and today's
plans cannot wait. She'll go back
to bed without me, strip off her candy
stripes and slide into pajama pants,
wriggle under the comforter, and drift
into more mundane dreams. To her,
milquetoast is murder, her blood
on my plans, so I won't see her
for three months, when she's
sleeping with someone else, all her
sugar without my clotted fat, more eggs
frying too long on my lonely stove.

PrinceMyshkin
08-05-2010, 02:17 PM
Brilliant - in both content and form!

JBrower
08-05-2010, 03:01 PM
Brilliant - in both content and form!

i like that you like my poems, if you take over the editorship of a literary review anytime soon, let me know ;)

hillwalker
08-05-2010, 05:56 PM
I also enjoyed this tender, rather sweet-sour take on the politics of relationships.
Living in the moment when love is everything - then regretting reality when more mundane matters get in the way.

A very evocative poem.

tailor STATELY
08-05-2010, 09:30 PM
Prolly just me, I may have missed something in the first verse/sentence:
My pet name for her was Sugar-Cain
but I was never able, with her
traipsing through the kitchen
buck-naked but for knee-high
striped socks, like candy canes
for me to unwrap her sticky, sugary
sweetness, if I could just pause,
stop frying my eggs,
and follow her back to soft
Egyptian cotton and a lazy day
between the sheets.

Was "but I was never able" a statement, or a sentence/verse left dangling ?

JBrower
08-05-2010, 10:37 PM
Prolly just me, I may have missed something in the first verse/sentence:

Was "but I was never able" a statement, or a sentence/verse left dangling ?

you know, looking back at it...

i meant it as a statement, but it still doesn't make sense. i guess i'll have to iron out a few lines near the beginning to take care of that

EDIT: I just revised in the original post, anyone willing to compare the two would be highly appreciated

Delta40
08-06-2010, 12:47 AM
I think you have written an exceptional piece here. Man, all she did was walk across the room into another but you have filled it with so much!