The bar, the mountain and the jackpot. (II)

[Jerrybaldy]

' What are you looking at?', said the man mountain
at the bar, with unbridled aggression.
I decided that 'You, you waste of space'
was a tad too far, as a confession.

He awaited reply and snarled
and I thought 'crap, Jerry, you are in trouble,
don't upset this bloke any further,
don't burst his practised bubble.'

My eyes betrayed me as I searched the bar
desperate, for a way out.
To my left, a punter shouted ' wheyyy'
as his slot machine gave a pay out.

I noticed, just then, that Mr Mountain
had a swallow, tattooed on his neck.
I have only known, the most screwed up
to choose this particular spec.

It can't get worse can it?
but i have just spotted the glass that he's holding.
I picture it cutting cheek flesh,
bloody flaps on my face unfolding.

And now time has passed and I haven't said a word,
what the hell can I say?
A minute ago, I was buying a drink
And now I am some bastard's prey.

The inevitable response finally arrived
I said ' nothing' ,it just came to mind
and he knew my line was coming,
in the heart he couldnt find.

I would have liked to report, dear readers
that at this point I produced a gun
and shot this psycho dead
so that all of his harm was done.

But in truth, his glass sliced my face
which he kicked hard, once I was down.
He was a bit upset with the world,
so he cut me a permanent frown.

It turned out that the punter who shouted,
when his slot machine was winning
prayed very hard, on his very last pound
won the jackpot, made a new beginning.

I met him again just two weeks later,
out of hospital, my nose less bent.
He told me we should meet me in the toilets
as it helps to pay his rent.

[hillwalker]

A bit gruesome in parts, and the "pay-off line" appears rather outside the context of the rest of the piece (excuse the "phraseology").

I notice this is a re-write but I think this still struggles to take off, in terms of both consistent rhythm and flowing narrative. Perhaps it needs a little more time in the drawer before you take it out again and give it a re-read.

Personally I would have trimmed a lot of the 'observations' away; and if the rhyme is forcing you to twist expressions or use clumsy phrases like 'his practised bubble' try getting rid of that too.

A work in progress I should think,

H

[Jerrybaldy]

I totally agree H. I tend to write quickly, throwing from mind to page and I often have no idea if it is any good at the end, as it is one thing in my head and as in this case, something else on paper. Its only some time later that I can look at it objectively and I dont have the patience to wait. I bite the sherbet lemon as soon as its in my mouth :)
Will let this one die behind the bar. By the pork scratchings.
thanks
JB

[hillwalker]

But never throw anything away - poems that fell flat sometimes have a knack of resurrecting themselves into something different (= better)

Recycle - you know it makes sense.

[Delta40]

I like your willingness to write about the process of feeling aggressive to being submissive.

[Haunted]

I'm totally entertained, but not at your expense, I felt bad. Hope it didn't hurt that much and the nurse was cute and not a guy...