A Mistake

[angliholic]

While I'm passing through south-east China,
the pretty faces waiting in the season bloom and fade like lotus flowers.

The east wind doesn't come; the willow catkins in March don't fly--
your heart is like a small lonely town.
When there is no footstep on a bluestone street at dusk--
the spring curtains don't draw open in March.
Your heart is a small tightly-closed window.

The clip clop of my horse is a beautiful mistake:
I'm not coming home, but passing by ...




Hi,
The above is a classic Chinese short poem which many Chinese adore. I made the English rendition to share with you. Give me feedback if you like it or if there are mistakes in English version. Thanks.

[munkinhead]

thank you for your translation of a beautiful March poem

[angliholic]

thank you for your translation of a beautiful March poem

Thanks, munkinhead, for your kind words.

Is there any advice for me to improve the rendition?

Btw, how do you feel about the poem?

[aliengirl]

A really good poem!! Your translation is very nice but I think in the first line While would fit better than When. I mean the line can be
"While I'm passing through south-east China,"

What do you say?

[angliholic]

A really good poem!! Your translation is very nice but I think in the first line While would fit better than When. I mean the line can be
"While I'm passing through south-east China,"

What do you say?

Thanks, aliengirl, for the advice.

I couldn't agree with you more.

What about the last line? Is it better to reword it as the following?

I'm not coming home, but passing by ...

[aliengirl]

What about the last line? Is it better to reword it as the following?

I'm not coming home, but passing by ...

You're welcome. :)

I think "I'm not coming home, but passing by ..." is more poetic and brings to the fore the fact that the poet has to go on. The change will be nice.

[angliholic]

You're welcome. :)

I think "I'm not coming home, but passing by ..." is more poetic and brings to the fore the fact that the poet has to go on. The change will be nice.


Thanks, Aliengirl, for the feedback.

Any more comment on the poem, which is so popular in Formosa that almost everyone is reading and reciting it. Maybe, my rendition doesn't read as good as the original. But what about the ideas and emotions that the poem tries to get across?

[PrinceMyshkin]

Both the content and your graceful translation are much appreciated. Thank you.

[angliholic]

Both the content and your graceful translation are much appreciated. Thank you.

Thanks, Prince, for the nice and encouraging remarks.

Any suggestion on this poem?