Delia (suggestions appreciated)

[TheEarthIsRound]

(I would really appreciate your suggestions as I MUST revise the poem, thx in advance.)


The glass’ tink with the steel spoon,
Condensed vapour drooping downward
Like a slow, ringing cataract.
Deflected, the curve of the mouth
Distorted--
Through the looking glass:
A life of gyre turning doubts
And beliefs and into the space,
Transforming
Where darkness prevails, with
A few stars and that drip
Of water that drips
The gravity, the force, the clash
The molecules and then the ripple
(And flashes and splash)
Through all dreams
All that real or unreal
All that grounds tangible or no,
Behind the glass of this moment:
The indispensable you.

[hillwalker]

This poem is more compact so is certainly more effective than your previous posting.
I like the way it focuses on the glass and the mouth and everything in between yet leaves room for the reader to create their own images too.

A couple of points -

'vapour drooping downward' - I found difficult to envisage, since 'drooping' normally refers to something once rigid now transformed into something weaker, bending down as it were

and

'ringing cataract' - also seems not to work as well.

and

'indispensible you' - that word 'indispensible' seems rather a weak epithet for someone who has obviously made an unforgettable impression on the writer

Other than that a fine poem.