To The New Couple

[Skyblaze]

First story to post on here :D

Flicking the lighter on I felt the heat off the flame. The pile of cloths was ready. A seething feeling of revenge that was about to be appeased was sitting in the basement. Her cloths were all over down here, ready to be washed. No wonder there weren’t many of hers at home.

Luckily the basement window was open, if it weren’t breaking the window would have been just as easy. The sound would have been muffled by the blizzard raging outside. It was a very dull basement to say the least, a washing machine, the pile of cloths, many pipes that lined the ceiling, how she stayed in a place like this and not at our home.

The one window that was down here was small compared to the upstairs windows where she looked out and saw, her husband, standing. The next day she proclaimed to be leaving for family, she said to stay home and have some alone time. She packed a few cloths the first time, she kept coming back to get more.

The blizzards coldness seeped into the basement, even though her coldness probably already had it frozen. Four years since she put on that wedding ring, don’t they usually represent commitment? Obviously they do or there wouldn’t about to be a fire in a basement of some low life bastard’s house.

A month ago they meet at work. She said something about him the first time they meet, that he was new to the office or something like that. It didn’t matter anymore, she found a new person and I will be left behind. Might as well leave a congratulatory present. Heres to the new couple

Crawling out the window, the blizzard was still going. The fire that was slowly growing in the basement started to lick the ceiling. She’ll be happy to know that I finally committed to something in our relationship.

[hillwalker]

A sinister story, short but definitely not sweet. You have a good ability for setting a scene, creating an element of suspense and sustaining the pace of the plot. And the twist at the ending was clever. There are parts of the plot that need some expanding – particularly for the time frame to make sense.

But your poor grammar is what lets you down and is in danger of alienating many readers who will expect stuff they are invited to read to be more polished.

Since it’s a relatively short piece I’ll pin-point the main issues – but would suggest you check over any other work with the help of a better-read friend perhaps…..



Flicking the lighter on I felt the heat off [from] the flame. The pile of cloths [clothes] was ready. A seething feeling of revenge that was about to be appeased was sitting [strange expression – ‘hung on the air’ perhaps reads better?] in the basement. Her cloths [clothes] were all over [spread all over the floor] down here, ready to be washed. No wonder there weren’t many of hers at home.

Luckily the basement window was open, if it weren’t [hadn’t been] breaking the window would have been just as easy. The sound would have been muffled by the blizzard raging outside. It was a ¬very dull [doesn’t really tell us anything; ‘dull’ as in dark or ‘dull’ as in boring? – ‘very ordinary’ is what you mean perhaps] basement to say the least, a washing machine, the pile of cloths, [clothes,] many pipes that lined the ceiling, how [new sentence ‘How’] she stayed in a place like this and not at our home.[and you haven’t finished the sentence – ‘I’ll never know.’ I guess is what you missed off the end]

The one window that was down here was small compared to the upstairs windows where she looked out and saw, her husband, standing.

<<<<< the above sentence just doesn’t make sense nor seem to fit into this part of the story….. and ‘The next day’ that follows…. next to which day? >>>>>

The next day she proclaimed [‘announced’ fits better] to be leaving for family, she said to stay home and have some alone time.[and this bit reads very badly – ‘that she would be leaving the family so she could spend some time alone.’] She packed a few cloths [clothes] the first time, she kept coming back to get more.

The blizzards coldness seeped into the basement, even though her coldness probably already had [had made] it frozen. Four years since she put on that wedding ring, don’t they [doesn’t that] usually represent commitment? Obviously they do [the [B]ring does??? in which case it should be ‘it does’] or there wouldn’t about to be a fire [a fire wouldn’t about to be starting] in a basement of some low life bastard’s house.

A month ago they meet [met] at work. She said something about him the first time they meet, [met,] that he was new to the office or something like that. It didn’t matter anymore, she found [has found] a new person and I will be left behind. Might as well leave a congratulatory present. Heres [Here’s] to the new couple

Crawling out the [out of the] window, the blizzard was still going. [going where? ‘falling’ makes more sense] The fire that was slowly growing in the basement started to lick the ceiling. She’ll be happy to know that I finally committed to something in our relationship.

So - for a first post you show promise as a story teller - particularly in terms of plot development - but your language skills need working on.

Thanks for sharing this, and

Good luck, H