What's the Use

[Bar22do]

for AuntShecky

Crush the rock
to cultivate it;

collect snows
to water
fields of corn;

defy dearth
and win life

then waste it.

Dreamers warn
unheard,
and the sand

rears up
and raises
clouds of dust,
behind.

[LMK]

Nice imagery, thanks for sharing.

[Hawkman]

Hi Bar,

Another really good slice of verse from your fertile mind. Just a couple of thoughts though.

"collect snows
to water,
after the sun,
fields of corn; "

I'm not sure if you have some ulterior reason for structuring the verse this way but to me it reads a little oddly. It would make more sense gramatically like this.

collect snows
to water
fields of corn
after the sun,

I would also drop "meaningless." as it is a superfluous comment. I would also add, "then waste it" to the previous stanza. If you feel you really must add a comment then meaningless isn't really the right word. To deliberately do this actually has meaning. It implies wealth with the capacity to waste. Foolish, Stupid, wicked would all be more appropriate. But it really doesn't require one as the reader will react to the words.

defy dearth
and win life,
then waste it.

Good one Bar, Be well H

[lallison]

Hi Bar, I see you're experimenting with something a little different from your usual narrative style. What's the use is a bit terse and broken, relatively. Hawk made some insightful comments already. For me, the beauty of your poem comes from the words: the cyclical nature and the irony, which add up to the emotional effect. But, when I read it, the form and punctuation took away from its effect on me. i think you could play with those two aspects a little more to strengthen this. Is there a reason why you want this to appear so fragmented?

[hillwalker]

This is indeed fragmented, but it does makes sense if the punctation is adhered to (unless I am coming to this after the edit and missed a different first draft).

I read it as being about life and perhaps talent - nurtured and fertilized, then allowed to go to waste (but my interpretation could be completely off track).

Though the couplet

then waste it,
meaninglessly

does overstate things slightly

and the final stanza, we all go to dust - and perhaps a cloud of dust is more memorable than a clod of earth.....

H

[blank|verse]

Ooh! Bar goes all minimalist on us!

And it's well achieved - the short lines reflecting well the narrator's frustrations and the general nihilistic tone. (And I notice the narrator can't even be bothered with a question mark in the title's interrogative! :smilewinkgrin:)

In the second stanza, I would consider removing the line 'after the sun'.

As to the content - is this personal? Environmental? It's open to interpretation and none the weaker for that. Good poem, Bar.

[Bar22do]

I don't have much for my defense, this piece left me no choice. It was visceral, emotional; meaning wise beyond what I can explicit. I only added punctuation, and that felt almost too much. Something in me might have been angry.

What is worse, I love it as it is, fragmented, it's about how hard life is earned and how carelessly wasted. You were very close, hill.

I agree "meaningless" doesn't go, now with a little distance I can lose it or replace by "irreverently", "sinfully"...

Thanks LMK, for having appreciated the imagery in it.

Hawk, it's very much "me" to twist the syntax, and I hope you'll forgive me in this case to stick to the twist for the time being (it's not for pubication, after all :nono:). Thanks a million for commenting and bringing my attention to "meaninglessly".
Mostly, when people waste their lives it's not deliberate, only brainless (I might have to include myself here, probably).

lall, welcome back! the fragmented character of this piece seems to disturb you as well (while if I let myself unleashed, most of what I write would look more or less like this little poem...). When the words first "appeared" in my mind, devoid of punctuation, their emotional impact was stronger... Thank you for your reading and for having found some beauty in it.

hill, I inserted punctuation marks before posting this poem.
I saw sand raising as if it were an infuriated horse ready to trample the whole absurd world.

Finally, Auntie, if you read it, my dedication of this poem to you is spontaneous, not connected with its message, especially if you don't like it or the form in which it's delivered. It was only a way of showing you my friendship. Sorry if it came out clumsily.


Thank you all for your devoted reading and crits.

Bar





Ooh! Bar goes all minimalist on us!

And it's well achieved - the short lines reflecting well the narrator's frustrations and the general nihilistic tone. (And I notice the narrator can't even be bothered with a question mark in the title's interrogative! :smilewinkgrin:)

In the second stanza, I would consider removing the line 'after the sun'.

As to the content - is this personal? Environmental? It's open to interpretation and none the weaker for that. Good poem, Bar.

Ah, and you too, B/V, commented, thanks a lot.
Were I free, my poetry would be all minimalist!
You felt so right, this poem is an expression of deep, deep frustration...

If I remove "after the sun" in addition to "meaninglessly", the poem will murder me. But let's see what happens, there I go...
(look below or above, depending how you arranged to see posts in the threads).
Curtseying -

Bar

P.S. the title lacks an exclamation mark...

[AuntShecky]

Thank you for dedicating this to me. It's flattering!

I wouldn't fret about the lines. Originally I thought that the line lengths were like those of Pound or WCW, but actually this style is much more contemporary. The Norton Anthology says that A. R. Ammons wrote a book of poems strictly on adding machine paper, in order to force himself to keep the lines short. My own stuff is undoubtedly too long-winded to keep the lines brief, but I--as well as most readers-- appreciate them.

I know you say that the text has nothing to do with Yours Fooly, but I want you to know that the concluding stanzas:



Dreamers warn
unheard,
and the sand

rears up
and raises
clouds of dust,
behind.
resonate with personal poignancy.

[Bar22do]

Auntie, thanks so much for your comment. I'm glad you liked it and found something evocative for you in my lines... Be very well, Bar