July Dreams

[lakeblue]

In my dreams,
I was racing with the dark cloud,
Streaming down from the western sky the aging sun beams,
Approaching from the east
The steps of a storm rumbling aloud.

Running across the thorn bushes barefoot,
I was chasing
That soft eternal light in your eyes,
Like mellow moonlight embracing a cold sea--
A cold sea of tears that washed my eyes clean.

Memory is a torn cloth of azure,
Which I wear like my wedding dress.
Underneath,
The old cracked skin strains to frame
The fluttering will to fly far away.

Yet the land far away,
Languid and senile,
Floating in the darkening hue of sunset,
Is one step away
From the hammering of rain.

Will its feeble serenity be crumpled under the relentless trampling of storms;
Or,
May its sparkling night sky be secured
In your warm, broad hands
That fortify my castle like indestructible walls?

[Jerrybaldy]

Welcome, Lady Lake Blue.
I havent really been on here long enough to be welcoming you, but Im sure one of the long serving sages on here will welcome you proper :)

I enjoyed your dreamscape and your words and the darkness hiding there. Look forward to your future postings.

regards
Jerry

[hillwalker]

A fantastic opening verse.

And the vivid images maintain the sense of a tempestuous, tormented relationship as variable as the elements; but ultimately salvagable by love.

A couple of points -

v2 - I think 'barefoot' makes more sense than 'barefeet'
and I'm not particularly fond of the repeated 'a cold sea'
- intended to emphasize the metaphor, it actually weakens it imo.

v3 - 'wedding attire' is rather a formal, passionless phrase
- if the narrator is indeed a woman then 'wedding dress' implies much more

v4 - 'hammering of rains' is rather an awkward phrase
- I think its the pluralisng of 'rain' that has put me off it

v5 - similarly the 'trampling of storms' is not easy to envisage
- and the very last line implies something rather more functional,
when presumably the lover's hands offer shelter rather than fortification

But overall a wonderful piece, which with a little delicate retouching can become a masterpiece.

H

[lakeblue]

Welcome, Lady Lake Blue.
I havent really been on here long enough to be welcoming you, but Im sure one of the long serving sages on here will welcome you proper :)

I enjoyed your dreamscape and your words and the darkness hiding there. Look forward to your future postings.

regards
Jerry

Thanks Jerrybaldy for your warm welcome and encouragement!

[lakeblue]

A fantastic opening verse.

And the vivid images maintain the sense of a tempestuous, tormented relationship as variable as the elements; but ultimately salvagable by love.

A couple of points -

v2 - I think 'barefoot' makes more sense than 'barefeet'
and I'm not particularly fond of the repeated 'a cold sea'
- intended to emphasize the metaphor, it actually weakens it imo.

v3 - 'wedding attire' is rather a formal, passionless phrase
- if the narrator is indeed a woman then 'wedding dress' implies much more

v4 - 'hammering of rains' is rather an awkward phrase
- I think its the pluralisng of 'rain' that has put me off it

v5 - similarly the 'trampling of storms' is not easy to envisage
- and the very last line implies something rather more functional,
when presumably the lover's hands offer shelter rather than fortification

But overall a wonderful piece, which with a little delicate retouching can become a masterpiece.

H

Thanks for your valuable suggestions:smile5:! This is just my second draft of the poem; I will certainly refine it.
I actually used "wedding dress" instead of "attire" when I first wrote it, but then I chose "attire" to rhyme with "azure."
Emotion should be more important than rhyming here. Thanks for pointing it out!

Cheers,
LB