An unexpected Joyful Visitor

[angliholic]

I was left in a mood of woe

when my mistress Muse left in the morning

without even a word.


In a world of despair

I stumbled to my garden

to confide my sorrow to nature's beauty there.



To my great delight,

Flying there was an unexpected visitor,

dancing in a yellow jacket,



Even in my presence

she still lingered among the purple petals of a basil

as if to accompany me and comfort me.


Now I finally see

she is more precious and delightful to me

than all the sparkling pearls from the sea.

[Hawkman]

Hi,
S2 L1, faltered isn't really the right word here, stumbled might be better
S3 L2 You can't say there flied in english. Flew is the past participle of fly and "flew dancing" reads oddly. I would recommend:

To my great delight,
in flew an unexpected joyful visitor
dancing in a yellow jacket so bright

S5, you can't say that someone or thing is, "...darling to me..." The correct expression would be "dear to me"

The synatax of the last stanza is also odd.

More correctly it should be:

Now I finally see
she is more precious and dear to me
than all the sparkling pearls from the sea.

Generally, you should avoid forcing the rhyms which mean you have to twist the syntax out of shape. The strongest verses in the poem are those which have not been rhymed.

Best H

[angliholic]

Thanks, Hawkman, for the rectification.

I've improved all the time from your feedbacks.


Best regards,

[tailor STATELY]

Wonderful garden scene to take one's mind off one's cares.

I thought the poem flowed well with the exception of
L8 "there flied dancing an unexpected joyful visitor";
context:
To my great delight,
there flied dancing an unexpected joyful visitor
in a yellow jacket so bright.

Did you mean the visitor to be joyful as well as the protagonist (per L7) ?

"flied dancing" grates on me a bit though I cannot think of another devise other than 'dancing on the wind' which is a bit worn (About 16,000,000 results on Google).
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My edit: I see Hawkman posted while I took my sweet time on the screen. Agree with his assessment.

One other thought I had was that a "yellow jacket" here in Cali has a negative connotation in the form of a yellow wasp that crawls inside soda cans to sting mouths and lips and generally harasses one when dining alfresco.

Ta ! (short for tarradiddle),
tailor STATELY

[angliholic]

Did you mean the visitor to be joyful as well as the protagonist (per L7) ?

"flied dancing" grates on me a bit though I cannot think of another devise other than 'dancing on the wind' which is a bit worn (About 16,000,000 results on Google).

One other thought I had was that a "yellow jacket" here in Cali has a negative connotation in the form of a yellow wasp that crawls inside soda cans to sting mouths and lips and generally harasses one when dining alfresco.

Ta ! (short for tarradiddle),
tailor STATELY

Thanks, Tailor, for going great lengths to pointing out my errors.
When I saw the yellow jacket so energetic and delightful, I thought of the word joyful. She is joyful in the first place and then spread the joyfulness onto me!

In this part of the world, yellow jackets are rare, and they're precious for me to catch a sight of.
For what it may be worth, I love nature and the small living things none the less whether they are considered by human to be a pest or not?

Regards,

[PrinceMyshkin]

Notwithstanding the careful suggestions of he previous two posters, I thought there was a generous, happy flow through most of this.

But would you consider using a colour that is easier to read?

[angliholic]

Notwithstanding the careful suggestions of he previous two posters, I thought there was a generous, happy flow through most of this.

But would you consider using a colour that is easier to read?

Thanks, Prince, for the nice words again.

But do you have any advice on this scribbling for me?

The more advice I have from you, the more I learn.

Regards,