The Vigil

[Bar22do]

Opposite my house, where every few minutes
the number nine stops, she sits on the bench,
a scarf catching back her thinning, grey hair
and waits, but as the bus stops
she only leans a little forward, stiffens and
watches the bus move off and pass on.

Through my taped window pane also cracked in the blast
I follow the woman's daily ritual, except on shabbat --

the bus slows, then continues down the lane,
leaving behind a thread of exhaust she inhales,
withdrawn; her face entangled in her horrors
is a drying nest in thus marked a setting.

Of late, she doesn’t even tend forward,
only sits wide-eyed, shrinking on the bench
and stares,
the number nine stops, moves off and passes on.

[hack]

At first we each
lean forward, a little,
as life passes by.
It is only a reflex,
this too, shall pass.

[PrinceMyshkin]

her face melting into her horrors
is a nest drying in my local landscape.


is surely the triumph of this quiet, compassionate poem.

[hillwalker]

It takes true talent to write in such detail and compassion about a simple event where nothing much really happens, and to get to the very crux of the situation. I had to read this a few times before I felt competent enough to even post the words 'very good'.

That 'thread of exhaust she inhales' is the image I shall carry away with me - a portrait of helplessness and passivity and the comforts of routine, no matter how pointless.

Thanks for sharing this picture with us,

H

[Hawkman]

Sweet Bar,

This is a fascinating poem. I love the playful repetition of bus, stop and stops. It’s very effective.

The fly in the ointment is “…taped after the blow,” Is the blow a physical impact or a casual reference to a storm. If a storm it is irrelevant. As an Englishman and an ex sailor, referring to a storm as a blow is an idiomatic habit. If it’s a physical impact then what is it from? Again, with no further information it is irrelevant. However, the reference to the woman’s face, “melting into horror” suggests a far more dramatic cause. But and it’s a big but, without knowing where you are it is a bit of a leap for the casual reader to make the connection. I have to think the blow is a clever double meaning, the impact of blast on the window and the explosion of a bus. Thus the woman’s dread becomes rational and all the pieces make sense.

If this is the meaning behind the poem, then the way it is handled is quite simply, stunning. The casual detail of observational reportage in a light dancing framework is Outstanding! But it needs a clue to a sense of place.

Or is she just a poor lonely woman with nothing else to do :D

Ever yours, H

[Jerrybaldy]

A very good read Bar.
First use of the word kerchief I have seen sine the first in ' T'was the night before Christmas' . I am also worried about you as the observer behind a cracked window pane ( Im thinking more bullets).
Seriously, really enjoyed, life is in those little moments
TC
JB

[hack]

I read this as aftermath of a bus bombing.
Perhaps the old woman was a witness,and
is now unable to make herself get on the bus.
Classic post traumatic stress syndrome, the
observer's and the observed's. It could also
describe the plight of the homeless who frequent
bus stops with no intention of setting foot on the
bus, and only seek the facade of a "normal"
existence. It is a sad commentary either way.
...peace...

[Bar22do]

Thank you all so much for your comments.

Hawk, I'm glad you paid attention to the sounds, as I hoped they'd be effective.

And you're right, this one lacks a sense of place and Hawk (or is it Holmes?), you're a born detective. I'll set it right one way or another. Thanks for your thorough reading!

Hack, your first reaction to my poem is a masterpiece, signed with your usual unrelenting sarcasm! Kudos! As for PTSD, well, there are so many places in the world where millions suffer from it and carry on with life, except those who can't...

Hill,

"a portrait of helplessness and passivity and the comforts of routine, no matter how pointless."

sums up the situation so accurately.
Thanks for taking your time to get to this poem's crux.
And indeed, nothing much really happens, just as you say, it's an ugly scar today and what did happen (over and over for years), rationally belongs to the past...

Baldy, I love "kerchief", is it out of use? what would you suggest instead?
For the rest, don't worry, I'm bullet proof.
Thanks for enjoying this, a rather tough one...

PMyshkin, I begged the universe to protect me as I ventured to write the two lines you noticed and praised. Thanks a lot for that.

***
So the story goes back to quite a few years ago in Jerusalem. The bus exploded approx 70 m from where I lived, the explosion blew the window pane (just a "chance", the pane wasn't very solid anyway). A friend's mom was on the bus and with others suffered implosion. But another acquaintance's child was on the bus as well, on his way to school and it was his last commute). The mother never recovered (she's ogling busses that don't blast...) so the story behind this passive verse is poignant, sad and true. I felt I needed to give it a voice, though it was trying to write (and I wished it were art, therefore if I achieved a little of this aspiration I'm happy).

Thank you all again and a good day to you -

Bar

[Hawkman]

Hi Bar, one last thought.

with regard to a reference to a 'sense of place' The mention of 'shabbat' does hint at it. I suppose it depends how specific you wish to make your poem. In your reply you indicate that the poem refers to a specific incident, even specific people, but without specifics it serves to memorialise all victims of such an atrocity. I still think that to the casual reader though, especially one who lacks familiarity with the history (even if it is recent) one more tiny clue might be appropriate. But it should be tiny, as the obliqueness of the references are fundemental to the poem's style. If including such a reference disrupts the flow and idiom of this poem, then don't do it. Let it stand as it is.

Sad though the subject is, it's a magnificent poem.

Best, H

PS, I've just seen that you've tweeked the title. If your intention is to memorialise that specific event then it's the right choice. If you wanted it to be more general though simply changing blow to blast would have the desired effect.

Best, H

[Bar22do]

Actually, I'm hesitating. My intent was to protest against all such atrocities, goes without saying.
The actual event was one of the (so) many in the area, and there are so many more around the world every day... I hope to come up with the right hint, and as you say, I'm aware it has to be discreet... I'm not happy with the new title, thanks for thinking with me.

P.S. ah, and well, shabbat doesn't actually give a hint, for it's celebrated all over the world in the Jewish homes...

[Hawkman]

Re your PS

Yes I accept that Bar, but only in a Jewish state would the sabbath, as Shabbat, be a day when the busses didn't run, at least to my lmited knowledge :)

[Buh4Bee]

I was immediately draw to the cracked window and the compassionate nature of the observer. Anything else I could add has been discussed. Thank you for bringing the reality of a foreign place into my home as a means to reflect on the luck of living in such a quiet place.

[blank|verse]

This is a wonderfully observed and compassionate poem, Bar. Concentrating on one individual and highlighting how she has reacted to this traumatic incident is as dramatically powerful as it is heart-rending.

But while I admire the emotional objectivity of the poem, I do wonder though if you're trying to be too allusive. The narrator knows what has happened and so why the woman is behaving as she is. That she chooses not to tell the reader this seems strange, and could leave the reader sensing the interference of the poet too much. I don't think it would harm the poem to give more details; and I trust you enough to handle that with sufficient care!

A few other comments (and I make these in the knowledge that English is not your first language):
> I'm not keen on 'where' at the end of the first line.
> Standard English syntax is 'number nine bus' or simply 'number nine' is acceptable. What you've got is ok, but reads oddly.
> I also thought 'kerchief' a bit archaic - 'shawl' or 'scarf' could be substitutes.
> Again, standard syntax is 'thinning grey hair' but what you have is ok.
> I see what you're doing by repeating 'bus stops' but think it's a bit clumsy to read and risks sounding jokey or light-hearted.
> However, 'ogling' is completely the wrong word - it's too comical and has connotations of sexual innuendo - a randy old man would 'ogle' an attractive young woman, for example.

I can follow the ritual between eight a.m. and ten
Do you need to be so specific? I found myself asking, 'Is it ten am or pm? Is it important? Why am I being told this?' which are unwanted distractions, I think.


her face melting into her horrors
is a nest drying in my local landscape.
This is quite a bold metaphor for the poem, which otherwise achieves its impact by being quite plainly descriptive. In fact, I think it's too bold - you have two metaphors stacked on top of each other here - 'her face melting' is the first, then to say that metaphor is 'a nest drying' - another metaphor - I think is too much. (And I think 'local landscape' is too general.) Is it useful to include this image of a bird's nest? I can see the woman's face 'melting', but the bird's nest image loses me in its abstraction too much. The effect of this is to switch attention away from the woman (either to the bird, or the poet); I think it would be better to keep the attention on the woman.

> I think something like 'Minutes later' rather than 'Of late' would suffice; otherwise I'm wondering why she has changed her behaviour. With the former, you have the image of the melting face at least as possible explanation. But I like the bus returning at the end, suggesting the world goes on oblivious to her suffering. Well, almost.

I'm sure you realise I'm just being picky because I want this to be even better than it already is! Overall, this is another fantastic poem, Bar, you are a fantastically gifted writer.

[AuntShecky]

Sometimes those of us who live in relatively "safe" places forget that in many places in the world danger,absolute terror and subsequent grief are a constant threat every day.

Most of us have experienced a little frustration and inconvenience in our lives, but these are mere trifles when compared to people who live amid conditions similar to those evoked in your poem.
There is "waiting" for a bus, and then there is "waiting" for relief or peace, which like Godot, never comes.

The title alone --"Vigil" --is packed with meaning.

[Bar22do]

Re your PS

Yes I accept that Bar, but only in a Jewish state would the sabbath, as Shabbat, be a day when the busses didn't run, at least to my lmited knowledge :)

Well you'd be surprised to see all over the globe Jewish religious areas stop their activities for shabbat, alright, not the whole state.:smile5:

[Bar22do]

B/V, infallibly, your shepherd's soul brings the stray ewe lamb back to the flock. :smile5: Thanks. I've made some corrections, but will need time to revise properly.
I ventured the unfortunate "ogling" as I hoped it'd describe her envious look at any buses that don't explode (my dictionary says "to keep looking (at) boldly and with obvious desire", she wishes so that the bus her son took were the one that simply follows on its way!)...
Thanks for your analysis of my double metaphor, the idea is that the lady's face grows more and more wrinkled with grief and over time looks as if an abandoned, drying nest, a fading trace/reminder of what happened then, here, and to her.
I'll ponder the relevance of mentioning the hours. I hoped it'd be understood the "event" took place in between these hours and that she'd then go to the bus stop.
I'm immensely grateful for the time you invested and for your precise reading. Also for what you found praiseworthy in my effort.

Auntie, oh, peace -- is something so complete that one wonders if it can be neared, let alone achieved... Thank you so much for your reflection and warm comment.

Best to you all - Bar

[Jerrybaldy]

All religion is wrong.
JB

[Bar22do]

Relegare means connecting souls... the root of the word in ancient languages has to do with knowledge and wisdom, deepening of which is a way of life...

[blank|verse]

All religion is wrong.
Jerry - Let's stick to the poetry, thanks; there is a separate sub-forum for religion though, if you want to discuss it.

Bar - firstly, an apology - the phrase is 'the number nine' not simply 'number nine' when referring to a bus - my mistake.

I think you might need to choose a different word than 'attending'. You'll just have to be careful because (and here I'm struggling with the grammar) while you can say 'watching the bus move off and pass on' you can't say 'ogling the bus move off' - it isn't standard syntax. I can't explain why but it is! Anyone who can clear this up is welcome to do so! (And my dictionary describes 'ogle' as to 'eye amorously or lecherously'.)

The more I read 'moves off and passes on' the more I think it's just saying the same thing twice and wonder if it could be different; although it does have a rhythmic quality, and I notice is repeated at the end.

I wonder if 'abstracted' should be the (more standard) adverb 'abstractedly'; there is a double-meaning as it stands, like the woman's not really there, but I'm not sure it reads well.

And I see what you're doing with the double-metaphor, but I think the first is strong enough (and better) as it makes you wonder what 'horrors' she experienced, building on the poem's content; the 'bird's nest' metaphor makes my imagination take flight (ho, ho) elsewhere and I don't think is useful. Keeping the reader in the same situation adds to the sense of tension or claustrophobia, and I would say that is what you want to achieve here.

Otherwise, maybe the second could be a simile?

Hope that helps, my little lamb! :smile5:

[qimissung]

It's good Bar, but I wish you had not changed that metaphor/ simile about the womans face in the third or fourth stanza. It was powerful in part because it stood out in the quiet landscape of your poem.

I wish you trusted your instincts a little more!

[Bar22do]

I was too much in a hurry last night, and too tired to think properly.

I don't know what I did to deserve so much credit qim, thanks a lot for your attentive reading. Thanks B/V again (as I said, I'm in the middle revising, using my post as a draft, will let you know when am ready...). Thanks all for your reading and appreciation.

I have a lot to learn, language, poetry and self-trust wise...
For the time being, I'll take a little time and distance to be able to revise hopefully for the better, not for the worse. This piece is of importance to me, I won't leave this tragic figure in my neighbourhood or the general message she represents, suffer from my drawbacks...

You're all precious to me. Be very well.

Bar

[Haunted]

Of late, she doesn’t make her movement forward,
only sits and shrinks on the bus stop’s bench
and wide-eyed stares,
the number nine stops, moves off and passes on.

Bar, this is a very affecting piece, the last stanza is heartbreaking. Where there's a lack of progression in events, the deterioration manifests in the most poignant fashion at the end.

[PrinceMyshkin]

I have a lot to learn, language, poetry and self-trust wise...

Your reference to “self-trust” is surely the heart of the conundrum. Any time I write what I hope will be published, I’m at least partially aware that I’m acting on the assumption that there might be a community interested in or who might benefit from what I write; in effect I'm negotiating or re-evalating my relationship with them.

And yet, with so many talented or brilliant writers, who am I to impose on the attention of others?

[Bar22do]

Thanks a lot, Haunted, for your sensitive reading...

PMyshkin, learning self-trust is for me improving my good judgment of what I scribble (along with the scribbling itself...), the readers are free to give or not their attention depending on their affinity (or its lack) with the form and contents of my efforts... Thanks for your reflection.

In the meantime I've taken some time to revise my last thread which I'll re-post here soon in hope to get a feedback or a few.. :smile5:

As hack would say - PEACE to all - Bar