Devoid of a Title

[angliholic]

Not until death
Will a silkworm cease spinning her cloth;
Not until burning away
Will a candle cease shedding her tears.

[Bar22do]

Till death,
Will a silkworm cease spinning her clothing;
Till burning away,
Will a candle cease shedding her tears.



Anglio, there is an interesting counterpoint here and I get the message, though I kind of feel I stumble on how it's written.
Also, "candle shedding her tears" reads to me a cliché.

So, if I may suggest, please read it again and see if firstly you agree with me at all, and in the affirmative give it a slight revision (perhaps "won't" instead of "will"? and no commas? plus something better than "shedding her tears"...). Secondly, toss my comment to the trash if you feel, believe and conceive of poetry otherwise. It's only my humble opinion.
Anyhow, thanks for sharing this one, to me it feels it has a potential.
Very best regards, Anglio,
Bar

[hillwalker]

Your best effort on here so far - but like Bar that final 'tears' is rather difficult to envisage. Perhaps 'shedding her light' is what you have in mind, but 'light' being too obvious a word.

[angliholic]

Anglio, there is an interesting counterpoint here and I get the message, though I kind of feel I stumble on how it's written.
Also, "candle shedding her tears" reads to me a cliché.

So, if I may suggest, please read it again and see if firstly you agree with me at all, and in the affirmative give it a slight revision (perhaps "won't" instead of "will"? and no commas? plus something better than "shedding her tears"...). Secondly, toss my comment to the trash if you feel, believe and conceive of poetry otherwise. It's only my humble opinion.
Anyhow, thanks for sharing this one, to me it feels it has a potential.
Very best regards, Anglio,
Bar


Thanks, Bar, for going great lengths to straighten out this cheesy scribble of mine.
And thanks for your advice and feedback.
YOu're like a mirror to me in which I can see clearly my errors and weakpoints.


Your best effort on here so far - but like Bar that final 'tears' is rather difficult to envisage. Perhaps 'shedding her light' is what you have in mind, but 'light' being too obvious a word.

Thanks, hillwalk, for gracing this thread and giving your precious viewpoints.
I learn a lot from you!

[Delta40]

I get trapped in cliches and I don't notice them when others write them until a great litnetter like Bar points them out. I still liked this short poem

[Bar22do]

Delta, thanks a lot if it's a compliment, thanks even more if it's irony, for eons of time will pass before my scribblings can be called poetry. I hope we all learn here, and the feedbacks help us advance.
Be all well.
Angli, cheers - Bar

[hack]

I like this.
I might remove "her".
You might want to keep it.

You could say cliche,
or you could say
proverbial...peace...

[PrinceMyshkin]

On first reading I thought there was a contradiction between the first two lines - where you appear to be talking about the eternal hopefulness in love - and the last two, where it appeared there is no end of the regret over lost or failed love, but I understand the apparent contradiction now to be about the two, irreconcilable aspects of love.

It's a taut, well constructed poem, without so much as a superfluous breath. For the sake of the rhythm, though, I would change "clothing" to 'cloth.'

[Bar22do]

Wow, the revision is flowing almost perfect. I too would leave out "her", but - - - what a dramatic soar, seeing the economy of your revision!!! great! (without "her" the cliché-feeling will be softened too...)
Best regards - Bar

[angliholic]

I get trapped in cliches and I don't notice them when others write them until a great litnetter like Bar points them out. I still liked this short poem
Thanks, Delta, for the kind words.

But why do you love it? What does this scribbling evocate in your heart?


Delta, thanks a lot if it's a compliment, thanks even more if it's irony, for eons of time will pass before my scribblings can be called poetry. I hope we all learn here, and the feedbacks help us advance.
Be all well.
Angli, cheers - Bar
Cheers, Bar.
Be well,


I like this.
I might remove "her".
You might want to keep it.

You could say cliche,
or you could say
proverbial...peace...
Thanks, Hack, for your comment!
What did you feel when you read it?


On first reading I thought there was a contradiction between the first two lines - where you appear to be talking about the eternal hopefulness in love - and the last two, where it appeared there is no end of the regret over lost or failed love, but I understand the apparent contradiction now to be about the two, irreconcilable aspects of love.

It's a taut, well constructed poem, without so much as a superfluous breath. For the sake of the rhythm, though, I would change "clothing" to 'cloth.'

Thanks, Prince, for your viewpoints and comment!
Cloth sounds way way better than clothing!
This I agree!