Know

[TheEarthIsRound]

A rather aimless,
Aimless night.

Inside the mind
Is the contour of plasma TV.
The weird colours. Green
Mixed with purple:
Like people being X-rayed
Until the bone.

The water from the shower
Was constantly
Forming a whistle of steam.
So I
Walk in.

A rather aimless,
Aimless night.

There are many things
To wonder about.
The hair is filled with some
Shampoo:
The normal watery rubbing.

I water--
What was the day earlier like
What was the life,
How did I get here,
Oh I can’t remember the scenes
And things, what was he (she?) saying---

A rather aimless,
Aimless night.

I was about to begin with
The body.
I turn--Did I wash my hair?
(The morning’s coffee really bothers me i think)
Now this is weird,
But it doesn’t matter.
The hair is filled with some
Shampoo (or is it):
The normal watery rubbing.

Rather (purposefully)
I water--
That girl does not want to go out with me I think
(what about the girlfriend?)
-it's ok
I always find a way to rationalize
(Oh, just like Henry the Eighth)
Nay, I am better than him....
Now I should go ahead
And wash my body...

But when did it all begin
(?, excuse me i don’t follow your thoughts)
Never mind then,
And wait,
Did I wash my hair?


Should I wash it? (again?)
But I am not sure.
Should I wash it?
And did I wash my hair?

I turn back to the shampoo again
shampoo, shampoo
And some wandering thoughts (sex? or reasons?)
Did I wash my hair...?
Did I wash it, wash my hair?

I did what I did a minute ago, didn’t I.
(Neo: how do you know between
The dream world, and the real world)
(Have you ever believe a dream
So real)
Different is the repeitition
Like being stuck in time
To repeat, to repeat again
And again
Conspiracies, doubts,
Skepticism

So some canon philosophies of the centuries
Come down to an overwhelming,
Simple, simple question:
Did I wash my hair?
Did I wash,
Did I really wash my hair?

A rather aimless,
Aimless life.
Wandering on the streets and thoughts
Then what do you know
About the real world.




But

when did it all begin

?

[hillwalker]

I think I half-understand the point of this - questioning how 'real' is the 'real world' (hence the reference to 'The Matrix' I assume). But it is far too long a piece to capture the reader's imagination.
Repetition of certain motifs is fine - the ritual of showering and shampooing - to portray slices of memory. But then you repeat yourself rather too frequently.

And some of the lines are just preposterous and destroy any sense of unease you might have been trying to create -

I always find a way to rationalize
(Oh, just like Henry the Eighth)
Nay, I am better than him....

hardly seems to fit in this poem.

Indeed, after a while the internalised dialogue becomes tiresome and loses its effectiveness.

If you are prepared to cut this down to size and tighten it up then it might actually turn out to be something quite enjoyable, but as it stands it needs some radical reworking.

H

[TheEarthIsRound]

@ Hillwalker: Indeed. Thanks for the very constructive criticisms, they are very helpful and are giving me bearings to my rework. Cuz I always want to write a poem of fragmented memories and wandering thoughts, but I seem to have overdone it, thank you once again