Looking Forward to Fall

[angliholic]

When summer heatwave is in its full,
Are you looking forward to a fall
Of falling leaves as well
As flying flower petals.

When autumn is ready to call
Summer sorrow has to go.
But will you be the same soul
As the one a season ago?

[Hawkman]

Hi anglicolic

I really like the idea behind this poem; sweltering in the heat of summer and longing for the season’s progression into autumn.

The rhyming scheme doesn’t quite work though.

When the burning hot fireball
Roasts you like kabobs on a stove
Are you looking forward to fall?
A season of fallen leaves and rove.

This is because rove is not a noun it’s a transitive verb. Rove is not something that is it’s something you do as in, they rove. Therefore the rhyme is forced and doesn’t quite make sense. “A season of fallen leaves, roving” would make sense and you still get the echo of the oh sound.

(Edit, Sorry I wasn't thinking clearly here. If you change 'and' to 'that' it works fine.)

Myriad colourful flower petals fall
Flying all over a road like a rainbow
Were you dying last summer to call
A season of harvest and sorrow?

This stanza is quite strong but as it reads like a single sentence, the question in the last two lines begs a “When” at the beginning of line 1.

When myriad colourful petals fall
Flying over the road like a rainbow,
Were you dying last summer to call
A season of harvest and sorrow?

In order to keep the metre tight I have dropped the flower from line 1. you don’t really need it anyway, most people would associate petals with flowers.
In line 2 you don’t need the all, as the analogy of the rainbow makes one think of a defined arch. Rainbows don’t wander about. Changing, “a road” to “the road” makes the line more powerful I think.

But there is a problem in the tenses here.

You are talking about last summer, so

When myriad colourful petals were falling
Flying over the road like a rainbow

the syntax of line three has been wrenched a bit to fit your rhyming scheme. Perhaps it would be better as:

Last summer, did you long to be calling
A season of harvest and sorrow?

So now you end up with:

When the burning hot fireball
Roasts you like kabobs on a stove
Are you looking forward to fall?
A season of fallen leaves that rove.

When myriad colourful petals were falling
Flying over the road like a rainbow;
Last summer, did you long to be calling
A season of harvest and sorrow?

Just a thought.

Anyway thanks for sharing.

Best, H

[hillwalker]

I totally agree with all of Hawk's comments. That dreaded 'rhyme' that seems to make poets force words into lines that they really have no business being in.

The thought behind the poem is intriguing, and some of the images you have portrayed are delightful. But then you tried to squash those free-form ideas you originally had into a different shape - like trying to put smoke into a box.

I notice that a lot of writers on here who are starting off with poetry seem to use rhyme like a safety net. If the rhyme is absolutely spot-on then the poem must also be good. Perhaps you should consider re-writing this as a rhyme-free poem where you just present your ideas/images in a more natural, flowing style.

I enjoyed reading it anyway.

H

[angliholic]

Hi anglicolic

I really like the idea behind this poem; sweltering in the heat of summer and longing for the season’s progression into autumn.

The rhyming scheme doesn’t quite work though.

When the burning hot fireball
Roasts you like kabobs on a stove
Are you looking forward to fall?
A season of fallen leaves and rove.

This is because rove is not a noun it’s a transitive verb. Rove is not something that is it’s something you do as in, they rove. Therefore the rhyme is forced and doesn’t quite make sense. “A season of fallen leaves, roving” would make sense and you still get the echo of the oh sound.

(Edit, Sorry I wasn't thinking clearly here. If you change 'and' to 'that' it works fine.)

Myriad colourful flower petals fall
Flying all over a road like a rainbow
Were you dying last summer to call
A season of harvest and sorrow?

This stanza is quite strong but as it reads like a single sentence, the question in the last two lines begs a “When” at the beginning of line 1.

When myriad colourful petals fall
Flying over the road like a rainbow,
Were you dying last summer to call
A season of harvest and sorrow?

In order to keep the metre tight I have dropped the flower from line 1. you don’t really need it anyway, most people would associate petals with flowers.
In line 2 you don’t need the all, as the analogy of the rainbow makes one think of a defined arch. Rainbows don’t wander about. Changing, “a road” to “the road” makes the line more powerful I think.

But there is a problem in the tenses here.

You are talking about last summer, so

When myriad colourful petals were falling
Flying over the road like a rainbow

the syntax of line three has been wrenched a bit to fit your rhyming scheme. Perhaps it would be better as:

Last summer, did you long to be calling
A season of harvest and sorrow?

So now you end up with:

When the burning hot fireball
Roasts you like kabobs on a stove
Are you looking forward to fall?
A season of fallen leaves that rove.

When myriad colourful petals were falling
Flying over the road like a rainbow;
Last summer, did you long to be calling
A season of harvest and sorrow?

Just a thought.

Anyway thanks for sharing.

Best, H

Thanks, Hawkman, for taking tons of troubles to reword this cheesy scribble of mine.
In view of your reply, I know it's a failure. After thinking for a while, I know the scribble doesn't convey the thought I intended to. Therefore, I rewrote it as the following. Don't forget to give me feedback. Thanks again.

When the burning hot fireball
Roasts you like kabobs on a stove,
Are you looking forward to a fall,
A season of fallen leaves and love?

When autumn comes, summer has to go.
Will you be the same boy a season ago?


Regards,


I totally agree with all of Hawk's comments. That dreaded 'rhyme' that seems to make poets force words into lines that they really have no business being in.

The thought behind the poem is intriguing, and some of the images you have portrayed are delightful. But then you tried to squash those free-form ideas you originally had into a different shape - like trying to put smoke into a box.

I notice that a lot of writers on here who are starting off with poetry seem to use rhyme like a safety net. If the rhyme is absolutely spot-on then the poem must also be good. Perhaps you should consider re-writing this as a rhyme-free poem where you just present your ideas/images in a more natural, flowing style.

I enjoyed reading it anyway.

H

Thanks, Hillwalker, for your precious time and feedback.

In response to your feedback, I rectified my scribble a bit. Correct me again where I go wrong. Thanks.

Best regards,

[Hawkman]

Hi angliholic,

well this is a lot tighter. However, to say, " are you looking forward to a fall" literally sounds as though you are asking somenone if they want to fall over. If you say the fall its much better :D

the last line:

"Will you be the same boy a season ago?" should be

"Will you be the same boy as a season ago?" (the sense being: "Will you be the same person you were last season?")

One last thought about your first version.

"When myriad colourful petals were falling
Flying over the road like a rainbow;
Last summer, did you not long to be calling
A season of harvest and sorrow?"

Written like this it is a really good poem in its own right.

Best, H

[angliholic]

Hi angliholic,

well this is a lot tighter. However, to say, " are you looking forward to a fall" literally sounds as though you are asking somenone if they want to fall over. If you say the fall its much better :D

the last line:

"Will you be the same boy a season ago?" should be

"Will you be the same boy as a season ago?" (the sense being: "Will you be the same person you were last season?")

One last thought about your first version.

"When myriad colourful petals were falling
Flying over the road like a rainbow;
Last summer, did you not long to be calling
A season of harvest and sorrow?"

Written like this it is a really good poem in its own right.

Best, H
Thanks again, Hawkman, for the rectification and feedback.

Well, I made up the title "are you looking forward to a fall" intentionally. That is, many people feel uncomfortable right now under scorching hot sun, so they are dying for a better day in the future! But is it a real nice autumn or a practical falling down in the unknown future. It's like out of the frying pan and into the fire! Anyway, fall after fall and year after year, we're sure to fall sooner or later. No one is a winner! Does my title get across this thought a bit?

[Hawkman]

Well now that you explain it I can see what you are getting at and it's a nice idea :)
but it kind of assumes that someone would enter into a relationship with the expectation of a not so happy ending :D

But you are right, the future is ultimately unknowable. One should be careful what one wishes for, as one might get it! :D

The same implied meaning is still present in "The Fall" though, and it fits the Autumn element better I think.

Best, H

[angliholic]

Well now that you explain it I can see what you are getting at and it's a nice idea :)
but it kind of assumes that someone would enter into a relationship with the expectation of a not so happy ending :D

But you are right, the future is ultimately unknowable. One should be careful what one wishes for, as one might get it! :D

The same implied meaning is still present in "The Fall" though, and it fits the Autumn element better I think.

Best, H

Thanks, Hawkman, for your kindness and feedback.

In view of this reply of yours, I should drop the word "love" and give up the rhyme. Love is the misleading word that spoils the main idea I want to get across. Here is a bit new version--




When summer heatwave is in its full,
Are you looking forward to a fall
Of falling leaves as well
As flying flower petals.

When autumn is ready to call
Summer sorrow has to go.
But will you be the same soul
As the one a season ago?