For Sweet Grace I've Never Met

[angliholic]

For Sweet Grace

An edelweiss from the West you are,
And I dwell in the East from afar.
We have yet to meet each other,
But our souls are stranger no more:
At dusk, we'll twinkle like a star.

Far far away, there's an old old place
Where a small flower with a face
So innocent and pure among a crowd,
Smiles elegantly to a drifting cloud,
As if to ask for God's Sweet Grace.

[tailor STATELY]

A nice sentiment.

This rhyme seems to be a real stretch:

Though we've never met,
Our souls are never, you bet,
Strangers in the first place.

Your second stanza takes my breath away. It sends me back to my youth 'midst fragrant green grass and buttercups; a time of innocence.

Sincerely,
tailor STATELY

[angliholic]

A nice sentiment.

This rhyme seems to be a real stretch:


Your second stanza takes my breath away. It sends me back to my youth 'midst fragrant green grass and buttercups; a time of innocence.

Sincerely,
tailor STATELY

Thanks, Tailor, for the nice comment.
I agree that rhyme is a real stretch, and I'm considering to reword it.
Btw, I have changed "you bet" to "I bet." What do you think about this?
Does it read better now?

A thing of beauty is a joy forever.

BTW, are there more suggestions on this scribble from you?

[PrinceMyshkin]

Lovely analogy between the buttercups and the distanced lovers.

[angliholic]

Lovely analogy between the buttercups and the distanced lovers.

Thanks, PrinceMyshkin, the nice words.

Did the piece evoke anything inside your heart by any chance?

[tailor STATELY]

A few suggestions:

Your second verse has a nice AABBA symmetry. and is quite light at 7/7/8/6/7 syllable wise. Verse two - perfect.

I would suggest you keep with the above symmetry for verse 1.

I have an example that may help, but unfortunately comes in at a heavier line load (excuse the assumptions):

A jewel in the West you are A 7
I from the East from far afar A 8
Though we've yet each other to meet B 8
It seems our hearts as one does beat B 8
Never strangers ever our souls soar A 9 - (ever = 2) = 7

I think I fudged the rhyme in line 5, but it's close (half rhyme at the worst); and the line load could be reduced easily.

Sincerely,
tailor STATELY

[angliholic]

A few suggestions:

Your second verse has a nice AABBA symmetry. and is quite light at 7/7/8/6/7 syllable wise. Verse two - perfect.

I would suggest you keep with the above symmetry for verse 1.

I have an example that may help, but unfortunately comes in at a heavier line load (excuse the assumptions):

A jewel in the West you are A 7
I from the East from far afar A 8
Though we've yet each other to meet B 8
It seems our hearts as one does beat B 8
Never strangers ever our souls soar A 9 - (ever = 2) = 7

I think I fudged the rhyme in line 5, but it's close (half rhyme at the worst); and the line load could be reduced easily.

Sincerely,
tailor STATELY

Thanks, Tailor,
For the inspiration
YOu gave me.
And I really appreciate
the way you tailored.
Based on the inspiration
Here is a new version:

A jewel in the West you are;
I dwell in the East from afar.
We have yet to meet each other,
But our souls seem no stranger:
Among the stars in the sky we are.

Far far away, there's a place:
A buttercup with a face
So innocent amid a crowd,
Smiles to a drifting cloud,
As if to ask for God's Grace.

[tailor STATELY]

A little piratical sound-wise in verse 1 ( arrrrrrrrrr ! ), but you're getting the idea.

Sincerely,
tailor STATELY

[angliholic]

A little piratical sound-wise in verse 1 ( arrrrrrrrrr ! ), but you're getting the idea.

Sincerely,
tailor STATELY

Thanks, Tailor.

Here is a new version because Sweet Grace is not so much a jewel as a small edelweiss to me!




For Sweet Grace

An edelweiss from the West you are,
And I dwell in the East from afar.
We have yet to meet each other,
But our souls are stranger no more:
At dusk, we'll twinkle like a star.

Far far away, there's an old old place
Where a small flower with a face
So innocent and pure among a crowd,
Smiles elegantly to a drifting cloud,
As if to ask for God's Sweet Grace.

[tailor STATELY]

Here is a new version because Sweet Grace is not so much a jewel as a small edelweiss to me!
What a lovely sentiment.

Goodnight my friend,
tailor STATELY

[angliholic]

What a lovely sentiment.

Goodnight my friend,
tailor STATELY
Thanks, Tailor, for the kind words.

Have a sweet dream, my friend.