visions of hell

[breathtest]

a poem with many dark images, please comment.



blue bottle of orchid pills,
hectic hours beneath
highway bridges
colour streaming by

our gentle nights,
the few remaining shadows
till dawn

the livery paste
of the face of
the dead
lifted up, misshapen
and screaming obscene
gestures

the automobile coated
in thick shiny oil, shining
in delirious afternoons
and reflecting streetlights
after dark

- our world as a single
entity
in its emplacement
upon cosmic brow -

the silence in the car
was like an impact
after the noise outside,
and the uneven streetlamps
like a vision of hell

[PrinceMyshkin]

I'm almost at a loss for what to say, this is so vivid! The impact is enormous.

[Hawkman]

Outstanding, breathtest. So vivid. H

[hack]

This is good!
Cinematic.

Perhaps, if you might excuse a small edit:

Delete "shining" from V4L2 and change V4L3 to:
"The sheen of delirious afternoons"

This IS outstanding...peace...

[breathtest]

I am glad it had such an enormous impact, Prince. Almost lost for words, wow, never thought i could come close to that kind of reaction from anybody.

Hawkman, my humble thanks, a good comment from you is always valued.

Hack, thank you too. Your opinion here is valid. However with that line i was trying to indicate the shine of the oil and the heat that can make you delirious. We are helpless when it comes to mother earth. she may bite and we are helpless to stop her. the juxtaposition is between man-made machinery and the fluctuating moods of the planet. Having said that, your suggested line would be valid and i'm sure many people will like yours better, but i'm going to stick. Thank you endlessly for taking the time, i'm happy you liked it.

[Jerrybaldy]

Nightmarish and psychidelic and poetic. Three of my favourite things
BW
JB

[Delta40]

very strong imagery.

[breathtest]

JerryBaldy - those are three of MY favourite things, too. What a coincidence! Thanks.

Delta40 - thanks a lot.

[Bar22do]

I don't know how it escaped me... it produces of so strong images in the mind, and is distressing, Gosh.

"screaming obscene
gestures"

sounds weird and reminds of the biblical "seeing voices"...

dark, Orson-Welles'y, hounting.

Thanks you Breath, be well!

Bar

[breathtest]

Thanks for reading Bar22do and commenting

[Haunted]

very strong visuals. The car plot left me wondering if it's a new beginning or the beginning of an end. Powerful stuff.

[breathtest]

Hey thanks Haunted

[Buh4Bee]

sorry for missing this piece.

This made me think of a drug colony under a bridge and a car crashing into the area. I know this is not your intent, but it makes sense to me.

blue bottle and orchid pills- expresses the seductiveness of habit forming pills. This was a very strong opening line and hooked me immediately.

[breathtest]

Jersea i'm glad you mentioned that first line because that stuck in my head when i wrote the piece. I liked it too. It's good that the poem had some meaning to you specifically, i like it when that happens. And don't worry that you missed it, thanks for commenting

[blank|verse]

Disturbing, powerful, and contemporary, breath. Good stuff, reminded me of JG Ballard. (Note to self: must read more JG Ballard... must read more JG Ballard...)

[breathtest]

Thanks, (note to self: must also read more JG Ballard).

[Alexander III]

DAM, this is a great poem, the style reminds me of Ginsberg, but yea great poem.

The first stanza was brilliant

[breathtest]

Wow thanks for the great comment Alexander. I've always been a fan of Ginsberg. His work really speaks to me and i've always felt that i'd love to be able to write similarly to him, so your comparison makes me pretty pleased.