A Life Experience

[kittypaws]

I am the youngest by 10+ years to my sister and brother yet some how the responsibility came down to me; the youngest, the “Baby” of the family.

My first experience was with my Mom as she was battling cancer and eventually succumbing to its ugly, life griping vise.

Next was my brother, 15 years older then I. I never realized to I cleaned out his place he never wore underwear! Heavens forbid ~ I buried him in underwear!!

Please don't misunderstand me...I am not complaining but just wondering why the "Baby", the one who was always protected by parents and siblings is now the one putting them to rest?

It is strange how the life role reverses itself. They took care of me and now I take care of them. I am not sure which end of the spectrum I would want if I had a preference.

Yet I am honored to be in my position, for who else could fill these shoes? Within the last 3 weeks I have assisted my sister in the unexpected death of her husband. She is now a widow at the age of 65. That is a real nightmare....think about it.....30 years and then all you revolved around is gone and the road ahead of her winds on beyond sight. I know she feels lost, unnerved, scattered. At least I, the Baby of the family ~ the one most ill prepared was the pillar and the comforter that is supporting my sister and helping her gain closure. I know this sounds like I am tooting my horn....but I just want to let everyone know who is walking in these same shoes...you are not alone.

Life speaks to us everyday....we just have to be listening.

Kittypaws

[DickZ]

. . . It is strange how the life role reverses itself. They took care of me and now I take care of them . . .
This is a well-written piece that contains a very important lesson for many of us - which is what you said about the eerie role reversal.

[hillwalker]

It reminds me of the moment I first became conscious that I had reached 'adulthood' for want of a better term - when the older members of my family whom I had always looked up to suddenly started coming to me with their problems or for some advice.

We all go through that kind of realisation sooner or later..... some cope better than others. You seem to be doing a great job.

H

[SilentMute]

That is the cycle of life...we nurture the young, and then they take care of us. Or at least in civilized culture, that is.

Of course, I believe some people are just born caretakers. It isn't always the youngest who is put into that role.

Myself, I had adults coming up and telling me their problems before I was thirteen years old. I remember being rather flabbergasted when my psychologist told me that she likes to scratch her husband--and I don't think it was a ploy to get me to open up about something. At the time, I felt rather honored to be put into their confidance--but it was rather distressing. I had the capacity to care, but I was too immature to truly understand or to help aside from being a vent.

A caretaker, though, has to be careful. You have to be certain to always look out for yourself as well. Many people destroy their health and lives caring for people. You have to know your limits, and you can't always depend on other people to take care of you. They may be too selfish, or they just may not be able to because they are too sick or destitute or have too many responsibilities. In a perfect system, those we take care of should return the favor...but life is not always perfect.

I dropped out of high school to take care of my terminally ill stepfather after a botched brain surgery left him mentally retarded. We didn't have all the assistance from the VA at that point, and my mom was the main breadearner. I only planned to do it for a few months. However, I took care of him for fourteen years. He died when I was 30. I had never worked, dated, or finished my college degree. When he died, I became agoraphobic because I started noticing the world. I suppose since my world revolved around him, I paid no notice to the world. Suddenly, I became aware of noise and other people--and it was overwhelming. It took me a few years to recover. Now I'm 35, and I'm starting vocational training. I'm praying I'll get employment after I graduate and after the end of my volunteering at a local hospital. It is scary to start your life at this age.

And I am aware that one day I'll be a caretaker of my mother. But one thing I will be careful of the next time around is to not let it not consume my life. And that is my advice to everyone else. I don't regret taking care of my stepfather, but I do regret letting it become the only thing in my life. It is hard not to let that happen, but you really should try to keep a grip on a normal life outside of a relative.