Seeing a Friend Off

[angliholic]

Seeing a Friend Off


And you're going in such a hurry today;

It's only yesterday you came to visit me.

Rosebuds are still gorgeous to see;

For a little while, will you be able to stay?

To appreciate their charms together in May!





Hi, my friends.

The shoddy scribble above took me only 10 minutes to dash off, so there are absolutely rooms for improvement. Please feel free to criticize and comment! If it is a bit evocative, be sure to give me your feedbacks. Thanks.

[Hawkman]

Hi Angliholic,

Sorry I meant to reply to this yesterday but I forgot.

"And you're gone in such a hurry today;
It's only yesterday you came to visit me.
Rosebuds are still gorgeous to see;
For a little while, are you able to stay?
Appreciate their charms, together we may!"

I was wondering why you began the first line with a conjunction. This gives the first line the feeling of being part of a longer sentance the first part of which which has been omitted. It becomes an incomplete thought. The line also gives the reader the impression that the person the narrator is speaking to has already left which makes Line 4 redundant as it is in the present tense. In lines 4 and 5 the syntax is inverted. Although the sense is clear and the meaning is conveyed it reads slightly oddly for contemporary sensibilities. I think it would read more strongly like this:

"Only yesterday you came to visit me.
Were you not able to stay for a while?
The rosebuds are still gorgeous to see;
we might have appreciated their charms together,
but today you were gone in such a hurry."

I think this conveys the spirit of your piece a little more flowingly in English. I think it is a sad, reflective poem, the narrator having a one sided conversation with a much loved friend who has departed sooner than the narrator would have wished. I like it.

When you post your original work you shoud use the personal poetry strand. You'll get a much wider readership and lots more comments.

Thanks for sharing this one.

Regards, H

[angliholic]

Hi Angliholic,

Sorry I meant to reply to this yesterday but I forgot.

"And you're gone in such a hurry today;
It's only yesterday you came to visit me.
Rosebuds are still gorgeous to see;
For a little while, are you able to stay?
Appreciate their charms, together we may!"

I was wondering why you began the first line with a conjunction. This gives the first line the feeling of being part of a longer sentance the first part of which which has been omitted. It becomes an incomplete thought. The line also gives the reader the impression that the person the narrator is speaking to has already left which makes Line 4 redundant as it is in the present tense.

Thanks, Hawkman, for taking time and all the troubles to give me this feedback.
If the person has gone to heaven, does it make more sense?
People come (into this world) and go (to heaven) in such a hurry.
It seems only yesterday someone was born and today he's gone! There are many beautiful things such as rosebuds to appreciate on earth, and it's a pity that his friend has gone so quickly.
So the speaker heartily wishes and asks his friend in heaven again to enjoy life on earth, but it's impossible!



In lines 4 and 5 the syntax is inverted. Although the sense is clear and the meaning is conveyed it reads slightly oddly for contemporary sensibilities.

The reason is that I tried to rhyme a bit so that the poem may read nicer!



I think it would read more strongly like this:

"Only yesterday you came to visit me.
Were you not able to stay for a while?
The rosebuds are still gorgeous to see;
we might have appreciated their charms together,
but today you were gone in such a hurry."

I think this conveys the spirit of your piece a little more flowingly in English.


Your version is very nice and easy to understand. I like it very much.

I think it is a sad, reflective poem, the narrator having a one sided conversation with a much loved friend who has departed sooner than the narrator would have wished. I like it.

You took those words right out of my mouth. Yet, it could be even sadder. Everyone can be the recipient, leaving sooner or later one day.

When you post your original work you shoud use the personal poetry strand. You'll get a much wider readership and lots more comments.

I'll find out the personal poetry strand asap. BTW, what does "strand" mean here? Is it a typo of stand?Thanks for sharing this one.

Regards, H

Thanks, Hawkman, for your time, comments, and advice.

I like your suggestions, and learned a lot from them.


REgard,

[Hawkman]

Hi Angliholic,

the personal poetry strand is where you posted originally. The strands are the headed sub-forums and a thread is the poem posted in that strand. All the replies are entered in the thread.

Some more thoughts on your poem.

I think you could actually lose me in the first line, for a while in the second line, to see in the third and in a hurry form the fifth. Also I would change the tense to present in this line by replacing were with are. This would open up the interpretation by removing the constraints of specifics.

So you end up with:

"Only yesterday you came to visit.
Were you not able to stay?
The rosebuds are still gorgeous,
we might have appreciated their charms together
but today you are gone."

I think this epitomises the spirit of your piece making the memeorial aspect less obscure. What do you think?

Best, H

PS. As an afterthought, the addition of Why at the beginning of line 2 would give the poem a more plaintive quality asking the eternal question. Just a thought. H

[adityasam]

Brilliant, Very short but still has a lot of meaning and can be interpreted in many ways.

[hillwalker]

A gentle, thought-provoking piece.

Maybe you need to let it stand alone as a simple 4-line poem without the exaggerated font (and the photograph) - have enough confidence to let readers accept your writing on its own merits without distractions (which might well put off some people anyway).

[JBI]

If I were to criticize, I would say you depend too much on blatant expression, rather than on associational images. For instance, you seem to committed to temporal verbs and explicit narration, rather than suggestive utterances, so your line,


It's only yesterday you came to visit me

Could be rendered symbolically -

But one morning's dew has since soaked your footprints.

Or something like that - or you could be even more suggestive -

In rain you left, though it has stopped since morning

Or something along those lines - direct narration don't do any service to the overall tone, as it either doesn't require the reader to think about the background quality, or else doesn't allow a room for subjectivity.

You could substitute, for instance, the line, though perhaps more abstract,

(dawn's) Rosy fingers stretch, fail to clasp.

Hereby bringing in something like Homer, and suggesting separation as something of a drastic yearning for return.


The possibilities of rhetorical substitutes is endless, to the point where such explicit language really disservices the poem.

[angliholic]

A gentle, thought-provoking piece.

Maybe you need to let it stand alone as a simple 4-line poem without the exaggerated font (and the photograph) - have enough confidence to let readers accept your writing on its own merits without distractions (which might well put off some people anyway).

Thanks, hillwalker, for the nice words and advice.

[hack]

I like the simple truth of this,
as well as the tacit question
of the nature of fate. Good job.
I am a fan of short and sweet,
or short anyway...peace...

[angliholic]

I like the simple truth of this,
as well as the tacit question
of the nature of fate. Good job.
I am a fan of short and sweet,
or short anyway...peace...


Thanks, hack, for the nice words and praise.

[adityasam]

Nice poem. I agree with Hillwalker, Gentle and thought-provoking. Keep up the good work!

[angliholic]

Nice poem. I agree with Hillwalker, Gentle and thought-provoking. Keep up the good work!


Thanks, adityasam, for the nice words.

[angliholic]

Seeing a Friend Off


And you're going in such a hurry today;

It's only yesterday you came to visit me.

Rosebuds are still gorgeous to see;

For a little while, are you able to stay?

Appreciate their charms, together we may!

[Bar22do]

Seeing a Friend Off


And you're going in such a hurry today;

It's only yesterday you came to visit me.

Rosebuds are still gorgeous to see;

For a little while, are you able to stay?

Appreciate their charms, together we may!

It makes me think of Rumi's poetry which I love! A nice one! So inviting and pervaded with kindness.

Thanks and best regards - Bar

[angliholic]

It makes me think of Rumi's poetry which I love! A nice one! So inviting and pervaded with kindness.

Thanks and best regards - Bar


Thanks, Bar, for your kind words and encouragement!

I googled a bit some info about Rumi and his poetry. But I couldn't see my own shadow there! Could you tell me more about him and why did this scribble of mine remind you of his? Thanks.

[Bar22do]

Thanks, Bar, for your kind words and encouragement!

I googled a bit some info about Rumi and his poetry. But I couldn't see my own shadow there! Could you tell me more about him and why did this scribble of mine remind you of his? Thanks.

Well, you may be modest. But if you read, say, "Thief of Sleep", you might recognise some of the atmosphere, the briefness, concision similar to those of your poem (though Rumi shows more passionate and you - more kind)... I scented a perfume of Rumi's orchads in this poem of yours. But perhaps I have a tendency to seek spiritual dimensions wherever possible... In short, my comment meant to tell you I liked your poem a lot! Best regards, Bar

[angliholic]

Well, you may be modest. But if you read, say, "Thief of Sleep", you might recognise some of the atmosphere, the briefness, concision similar to those of your poem (though Rumi shows more passionate and you - more kind)... I scented a perfume of Rumi's orchads in this poem of yours. But perhaps I have a tendency to seek spiritual dimensions wherever possible... In short, my comment meant to tell you I liked your poem a lot! Best regards, Bar


Thanks, Bar, for taking all the troubles to tell me the interesting and informative story about Rumi.
And I'm flattered by your comment.
I hope my Muse won't fail me in the future!

[PrinceMyshkin]

I wish you could find something other than the forced rhyme & inverted syntax of "together we may."

I read this as a lament for the death of a friend; in which case the brevity of it feels all the more appropriate.

[angliholic]

I wish you could find something other than the forced rhyme & inverted syntax of "together we may."

I read this as a lament for the death of a friend; in which case the brevity of it feels all the more appropriate.

Thanks, Prince, for the suggestion and your nice comment.

A good poem must be rewritten again and again until it finds its most pertinent words and sounds, I believe. In response to your request, I made the following new edition:


Seeing a Friend Off


And you're going in such a hurry today;

It's only yesterday you came to visit me.

Rosebuds are still gorgeous to see;

For a little while, will you be able to stay?

To appreciate their charms together in May!


Best regards,

[PrinceMyshkin]

I think you've done well to get rid of the original, awkward closing but without some earlier implied or explicit reference to the time of year now, I didn't get that much from "May".

[angliholic]

I think you've done well to get rid of the original, awkward closing but without some earlier implied or explicit reference to the time of year now, I didn't get that much from "May".

Thanks, Prince, for this feedback of yours.

May is the best and most gorgeuos season of the year--everything is so amazing wonderful. It's the best season to appreciate the beauty of Nature, isn't it?
Besides, it's a real shame when a good man couldn't make it to the May of his life!
On second thought, can we all?

[blank|verse]

Hi angliholic. (I've not read every response, so apologies for any repetition.)

I feel you've got a nicely heart-felt subject here, which reminded me a bit of Wordsworth, perhaps inevitably; I enjoyed the opening, which seems appropriately sudden.

I think because it is short, you need to make sure everything flows together nicely and I agree with Prince that the ending isn't as strong as it could be. In fact, you could remove the last line and not really lose anything, but then the poem would be too short, perhaps.

See if there's more you can squeeze out of the thoughts that went into the poem in the first place. Do you need to stick to the rhyme scheme?

[angliholic]

Hi angliholic. (I've not read every response, so apologies for any repetition.)

I feel you've got a nicely heart-felt subject here, which reminded me a bit of Wordsworth, perhaps inevitably; I enjoyed the opening, which seems appropriately sudden.

I think because it is short, you need to make sure everything flows together nicely and I agree with Prince that the ending isn't as strong as it could be. In fact, you could remove the last line and not really lose anything, but then the poem would be too short, perhaps.

See if there's more you can squeeze out of the thoughts that went into the poem in the first place. Do you need to stick to the rhyme scheme?

Thanks, Blankverse, for nice and encouraging words.

As for the last line, I'm working on it now, but my Muse is still not fully awake.