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Adsum
07-19-2010, 12:02 AM
Animal Poem



There was a poem once, of high grass condensed
with wing-hums, of blackbirds between
yellow stems, singing.

There are paintings with this grass;
the painter’s hand rises up and down, threshing
the canvas with cuts of color, darkness becomes
the first strokes overwhelmed by the last. He waits
for the translucent bird to enter the grass, nearly there,
perhaps not there at all. His work is incomplete until
the peasant women are leaning into the wheat.

I hear no hums but my own strokes slashing.
My motor rips seed from husk.

I am as a miner and rub my eyes when my poem ends
because the world outside is blinding, golden,
but unsalvageable.

Inspired by shards of my mother’s
birthing song -- shrilly threatening :
Make something of this.

Later,
my redblueyellow Legos that, in the
box, bright and wonderful as cut flowers,
overwhelmed. I put them in my mouth, drooled,
made shrill music, peed, and slept. Grew out
of my mother’s gaze.

Grew to a boy who saw in
wood only wood, in money, money,
not fire or design. Then a man who,
when making love, sweating, burning,
preferred the pleasure of his mother’s
cool petal-soft hand, placed across
his feverish forehead, and her voice
patting down heat.

The whole town shut down when
the factory closed. My father came home,
began speaking with a hammer, beating down
floorboards and fences with nails, oiling, sanding,
carving, till the house was worn out with his rub,
held together by tiny adjustments.


For my mother,
he planted flowers in rows of grieving white,
church-goers in obligatory attendance,
bowing out of fear or weakness
to their creator.

He hung bird seed from branches,
hoping fluttering sweetness
would make mother love him.
The birds did not come.

She grew bitter for waiting, wanted
him to return to his natural work.
She took me and left him, humming,
A man is not a man without his work.

Build, mother said, build.
I became a poet, thought a house
could be made of words, each
exclamation a blade of grass.

There will be white lilies on a blue wall.
There will be a rust-colored walk
and a coil of a hose, and a window reflecting
a spotlight of sun.

But the animals don’t come.
And I hum, and wait,
with my strokes coming down
fast now, adding tiny adjustments.

The woman and the child
carrying one another as one
bundle of fabric and arms stay
hidden within the white lining of the
page and comfort each other with
voiceless kisses.

I could not put an animal in my poem;
all I wrote was coin-toned and clicking,
wobbly, sharp, electric, for I had
flicked it, cranked it, and plugged it,
shook it till the agitated snow churned,
and the house fires burned smokeless
in the night as I neglected to add chimneys,
till the long white lilies leaned on the blue
house I made, waiting for a watering can
and a man.

hillwalker
07-19-2010, 07:39 AM
There is so much in this that I enjoyed - your writing has a very dense texture that invites the reader to spend time enjoying the feel of your words.

Personally I think you have more than one poem here - for a number of reasons.

It is a long read, and it switches focus a number of times; some of the images are so overwhelming that it seems a shame to put these aside and move on to fresh ones further down the page; and those 'autobiographical' parts seem rather intrusive, disturbing the fragile scenario you have taken such pains to create.

Certainly verses 1/2 are a perfect stand-alone poem, as again are verses 9/10/11 and finally verse 13 is perfect all by itself.

H

PrinceMyshkin
07-19-2010, 08:08 AM
I do see and in part agree with the points Hillwalker makes, but I was content to read this as a coherent and powerfully felt and expressed elegy and so many of your images are freshly coined and in your own unique voice. Bravo!

Adsum
07-20-2010, 06:45 AM
Thank you hill and prince. Hill my teacher when I wrote this poem at UCLA was Joy Harjo, and she also said it could be separate poems at first, but then I rearranged it to its current form. But I do agree the voice changes as it moves along. I guess the poem tries to express the difficulty of giving life to inanimate words, the struggle of a poet to create, really a feminine task that the male subject feels impotent to achieve. He does everything he can but the spark of life is not present. It becomes merely mechanical. If the poem fails in any respect then it perhaps adds to that thought, that the mechanics don't operate as they should and life remains outside the poem, in the shadows of the page.

PrinceMyshkin
07-20-2010, 07:43 AM
Thanks for this articulate response, although I bristled a bit at:


the struggle of a poet to create, really a feminine task that the male subject feels impotent to achieve.

Of course one is familiar with the notion that we each contain elements of the other gender, but I like to think that when I write, poetry in particular, both sides of myself are involved. Since so many of my poems have a didactic element, it may be that my masculine side predominates, but I also treasure these lines by Yeats:


The friends that have it I do wrong
Whenever I remake a song
Should know what issue is at stake,
It is myself that I remake.


In other words, that whether I write or rewrite, it is myself that I am trying to make/remake.

I look forward to seeing you here again.

Adsum
07-21-2010, 03:15 AM
As I am a woman and was writing from a man's voice I agree that we have both elements within ourselves. What the poem discusses really is the stereotypes you "bristled" at... perhaps you don't understand my meaning as I may have written without much forethought in my blog response. But the poem addresses the woman, the mother figure, telling her son to build, and like the father... provide a home... a masculine stereotype. He instead opts to create through poetry, a different kind of building, but feels that he is impotent at the task, whether that is true or not isn't the point... but the speaker feels as if he lacks something of the feminine ability to give birth to life within his work... as he has chosen what is stereotypically a more feminine art.... that of expressing emotion through poetry... while men stereotypically express through "the hammer" as the father built the house for the family and worked on its outfitting, and in many ways, when the factory closed... lost his masculinity... at least he felt that way. The truth as we both know is that we do contain elements of both genders, as I a female poet can address and sympathize with the pressure society puts on men to be "men" and the struggle mothers and wives have in understanding and living in the world the men around them "build". The "town" is not a modern city, but a more backward place where these questions are still predominant.

I have found on other forums that people take offense rather easily to things, not really things I have said but everything, and that has always been... well, a wish of mine not to encounter again. So, I look forward to seeing you again. And I'm sorry if I caused any offense or misunderstanding.

tailor STATELY
07-22-2010, 04:17 AM
Thank you for sharing your beautiful poem.

Bar22do
07-22-2010, 07:09 AM
Wow, this is dense and beautiful. Much matter to dig through a life time! Thanks for sharing this ambitious work, Adsum, best regards - Bar

Adsum
07-23-2010, 01:39 AM
Thanks Bar and Tailor, but I am open to editing so any suggestions are welcome.