Rejection

[Dark Muse]

Rejection

Raised voices
slammed doors
feelings of
fear, anger,
resentment,
regret, agony,
isolation.

A lack of understanding
in a world without acceptance,
now a boy cast adrift
alone
feeling he no longer has a home
the bitterness of truth.
Is it better to live as someone else?
Sacrifice yourself
your happiness
your identity
for family?

A lost soul to be swept away
among the lost boys
and their antidotes for life
carried off into the world
of Neverland to forget.

A body found
youth destroyed
too late a father's tears
in bitter regret and self-hate
because a single word
stood between a son and his father's love.

"I'm GAY"

[PrinceMyshkin]

I wonder if there couldn't/shouldn't have been some foreshadowing of the last line? Coming as it did, so starkly, it felt a bit propagandistic to me, sort of as if you swatted the father as you might a repulsive insect. Mightn't his implied homophobia have been more damning if he'd been shown to have some good qualities, which he himself betrays when he implicitly renounces his son?

[Dark Muse]

Being that I am quite active in the cause for Gay Rights, then it is a fair assessment to call this propagandist, while I wanted the last line to come as a shock I had meant to try to humanize the father by alluding to his sorrow in the line

" too late a father's tears
in bitter regret and self-hate"

To show his grief over the death of his son in spite of the fact that he disapproved of his sons lifestyle choice, and his self-blame for his son's death because he did reject him.

[PrinceMyshkin]

Being that I am quite active in the cause for Gay Rights, then it is a fair assessment to call this propagandist, while I wanted the last line to come as a shock I had meant to try to humanize the father by alluding to his sorrow in the line

" too late a father's tears
in bitter regret and self-hate"

To show his grief over the death of his son in spite of the fact that he disapproved of his sons lifestyle choice, and his self-blame for his son's death because he did reject him.

Wow! Did I overlook the fact that the boy is dead? of suicide?

But I don't think that the father's tears etc. AFTER his son's death make him out to be the understanding humane but bigoted person you intended

[Dark Muse]

The lines

"A body found
youth destroyed"

were meant to indicate the boys death, though the exact cause of death was left vague the previous stanza

"A lost soul to be swept away
among the lost boys
and their antidotes for life
carried off into the world
of Neverland to forget"

Is meant to suggust death via drug use, either an unitended overdose, or intentional suiicide.

[Bar22do]

Rejection

Raised voices
slammed doors
feelings of
fear, anger,
resentment,
regret, agony,
isolation.

A lack of understanding
in a world without acceptance,
now a boy cast adrift
alone
feeling he no longer has a home
the bitterness of truth.
Is it better to live as someone else?
Sacrifice yourself
your happiness
your identity
for family?

A lost soul to be swept away
among the lost boys
and their antidotes for life
carried off into the world
of Neverland to forget.

A body found
youth destroyed
too late a father's tears
in bitter regret and self-hate
because a single word
stood between a son and his father's love.

"I'm GAY"

It rightly is propagandist, but I think, DM, that you could work on reducing it a bit and on increasing its tension, for the effect to be stronger.

For instance, I think you don't really need:

-"A lack of understanding
in a world without acceptance,"
-"feeling he"
-"for family"

in S2.

S3 brings clear allusions to drugs use as a mean to forget the reality, but maybe you could tell the same less obviously.

But these are my subjective observations and you're the only judge!
On the whole it's an ambitious poem and it delivers its message with strength.

Thanks DM, best - Bar

[Jerrybaldy]

Hi Dark Muse
these are changed times for the better part and though we are not there yet, I think in more time there will be nothing left to protagonise about. Homophobia in most parts of the world will be as alien as the slave trade. Can see it changing radically through the generations. Enjoyed your lines.
best wishes
JB

[Maryd.]

Dm, well you know how I feel about your work and this one is no different. You are a star and a fantastic wirter. Mwah to you.

[Dark Muse]

Thank you!

[tailor STATELY]

Poignant.

Sometimes understanding takes time. There needs to be more of a community for those who decide to leave the nest - so there can be time; an outreach to steer those who might be prone to self-destructive practices. Depression has no sexual orientation.

Sometimes understanding never comes. And more's the pity.

Sincerely,
tailor STATELY

[hillwalker]

A powerful topic, DM. I enjoyed the way you revealed the situation to the reader, but I do think that the poem only really takes off from verse 3.

It starts off by brilliantly portraying the build up of tension - raised voices and slammed doors - but then drifts off into a vague list of feelings that are more difficult for the reader to engage with.
Perhaps you need to explore these more - the fear and anger and isolation for instance -how are they reflected in what else is going on around the boy? It's a horrible cliche, but 'telling' the reader someone 'feels fear' is nowhere near as effective as 'showing' how that fear manifests itself.

There is great potential in what you have written - I just 'feel' it would benefit from a little overhaul.

Best wishes, H

[Dark Muse]

A powerful topic, DM. I enjoyed the way you revealed the situation to the reader, but I do think that the poem only really takes off from verse 3.

It starts off by brilliantly portraying the build up of tension - raised voices and slammed doors - but then drifts off into a vague list of feelings that are more difficult for the reader to engage with.
Perhaps you need to explore these more - the fear and anger and isolation for instance -how are they reflected in what else is going on around the boy? It's a horrible cliche, but 'telling' the reader someone 'feels fear' is nowhere near as effective as 'showing' how that fear manifests itself.

There is great potential in what you have written - I just 'feel' it would benefit from a little overhaul.

Best wishes, H

Thank you for your comments, the reason why I started it the way I did, is because it was meant to be a sort of chaotic whirlwind of emotions in which it is meant to be left unclear if they are the emotions of the boy or the father, or both but it is an exchange of feeling back and forth between the two parties and it is suppose to replicate the tail end of a fight that is just reduced to a shouting match of emotions.

[hillwalker]

That makes sense - you probably know me well enough by now anyway. I generally like to pick fault about as often as I heap praise (lol)

H