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adityasam
07-17-2010, 04:30 AM
Can Anybody, Please Review my Novel?

All the images and logos in it are just for fun and visualisation.

Download Here the Full copy upto Chapter 2 (Till where i completed it):-

http://www.box.net/shared/xxs4kfiztp (http://www.box.net/shared/xxs4kfiztp)

Here's an Excerpt (Chapter One)

CHAPTER 1

THE DEVASTATION
1(A)
I
T WAS THE COLDEST WINTER MORNING AND OUR LITTLE VILLAGE, NALCHIK, IN THE SOUTH-WEST CONE OF ENGLAND WAS COMPLETELY ENVELOPED WITH WHITE AND SOFT SNOWS. IT WAS ONLY THE EARLY NOVEMBER OF 1920 AND THE WINTER WAS AT ITS FARINACEOUS BEST. IT WAS 8 AM IN THE MORNING AND MY FATHER, AS USUAL, WAS SITTING IN HIS OLD ARM CHAIR, WITH HIS DAILY DOSE OF BEVERAGE IN A DIAMOND-STUDDED CUP, GAZING AT THE WORKERS WHO WERE SPRINKLING SALT ON THE SNOW-LADEN ROADS. HE WAS IN A RELAXED MOOD. THE PAUCITY OF PEACE FOR HIM BEGAN WHEN ALFRED, OUR HOUSE KEEPER, CAME RUNNING HURRIEDLY THROUGH THE FOYER AND DELIVERED A TELEGRAM TO MY FATHER.
“THERE ‘S A TELEGRAM FOR YOU MR.LINEKER” SAID HE
“AND FROM WHOM DO I RECEIVE THIS MESSAGE ALFRED?”
“NEITHER DO I KNOW SIR” HE SAID FAITHFULLY
“FINE ALFRED, I WILL CALL YOU SHOULD YOUR NEED ARISE”
“YES SIR” HE SAID AND LEFT THE ROOM
AS MY FATHER WAS GLANCING THROUGH THE TELEGRAM, HE STARTED BECOMING RESTLESS AND SHAKY AND WAS IMMERSED IN DEEP THOUGHT. THEN HE JUST FLUNG THE TELEGRAM INTO THE DRAW OF THE TABLE THAT WAS CLOSE BY HIS HAND.
I WAS WATCHING ALL THIS FROM A FAIR DISTANCE HAVING MY BREAKFAST ALONG WITH MY BROTHER ANDREW. AFTER HAVING OUR BREAKFAST WE HAD TO LEAVE FOR SCHOOL.
JUST THEN MY FATHER IMMEDIATELY SUMMONED ALFRED,
“HOW MAY I HELP YOU SIR?” ASKED ALFRED
“ALFRED I WANT YOU TO FETCH ME MR.SOBERS, THE INSPECTOR, AS SOON AS POSSIBLE”
“WHERE CAN I FIND HIM, SIR?”
“YOU CAN FIND HIM IN THE CHERYL STREET, WHICH IS JUST A FEW FURLONGS AWAY, AND PLEASE MAKE IT QUICK ALFRED, HIS PRESENCE HERE IS THE NEED OF THE HOUR”
“AT YOUR COMMAND SIR” SAYING THIS HE HURRIED AWAY TO CALL THE OFFICER.
BUT JUST AS I HEARD THE WORD INSPECTOR, MY NERVES GOT A SHARP TINGLING AND THEN I SLOWLY APPROACHED MY FATHER
“FATHER, IS SOMETHING WRONG?” I ASKED IN A COWERY TONE
“THERE IS NOTHING TO WORRY THOMAS, I JUST WANTED THE POLICEMAN FOR PERSONAL SECURITY” MY FATHER SAID
BUT JUST AS I WAS ABOUT TO TAKE MY SATCHEL AND START OFF TO SCHOOL, MY FATHER SAID
“THOMAS, THERE WOULD BE NO WAGON TO DROP YOU TO SCHOOL, I INSIST YOU AND ANDREW GO TO SCHOOL BY WALK AND BETTER BE OFF RIGHT NOW FOR I DON’T WANT TO SEE THAT WRETCHED HEADMASTER OF YOURS FOR YOUR LATECOMINGS”
“YES FATHER, WE WILL START OFF TO SCHOOL AS SOON AS POSSIBLE”
MY FATHER ACTUALLY WANTED US TO GET OUT OF THE HOUSE AS SOON AS POSSIBLE, BECAUSE HE DIDN’T WANT US TO SEE THE INSPECTOR, FOR IT WOULD FRIGHTEN OUR LITTLE TENDER HEARTS. HOWEVER HE GAVE A GOOD JUSTIFICATION, FOR OUR HEADMASTER, WHY THE HEADMASTER OF ANY SCHOOL IN ENGLAND WAS HARSH, INHUMAN AND WRETCHED, RIGHTLY CALLED BY MY FATHER.
1(B)
J
UST AS MY CHILDREN LEFT FOR SCHOOL, ALFRED CAME IN WITH THE INSPECTOR.
“SIR, HERE IS MR.SOBERS” ALFRED SAID
“THANK YOU ALFRED, NOW YOU MAY LEAVE THE HALL” I SAID
“YES SIR” SAID HE
“PRAY TAKE A SEAT MR.SOBERS” I SAID
“THANK YOU MR.LINEKER AND MAY I KNOW THE REASONS FOR MY PRESENCE HERE IN THIS HUGE MANSION” HE SAID
I WALKED ACROSS TO THE TABLE WHERE I PUT THE TELEGRAM, PULLED OPEN THE DRAW AND PICKED IT AND HANDED IT OVER TO THE MAN.
AFTER SOBERS COMPLETED READING THE TELEGRAM
“HMMM….. SO HOW MAY I HELP YOU SIR?” HE SAID MILDLY.
“DID YOU SEE WHO SENT ME THE TELEGRAM……, ZACHARIAS QUELCH; I DON’T EVEN KNOW THIS MAN AND HOW COME HE GETS TO KNOW MY COMPLETE NAME TERENCE JACOB LINEKER” I EXCLAIMED
“I AGREE SIR, BUT ANY RICH MAN IN ENGLAND CANNOT BE BEREFT OF BOTH POPULARITY AND THREATS, SUCH AS THESE”HE SAID
“HOW CAN I BE POPULAR WHEN I LIVE IN THIS LITTLE VILLAGE MR.SOBERS” I HOLLERED
“IT IS BECAUSE YOU ARE A MAN WITH HUGE WEALTH AND THE RICHEST MAN IN THE VILLAGE, EVEN IF YOU LIVE IN THE DARKEST CORNER ON THIS PLANET”HE SAID
“THEN WHY WOULD THAT MAN THREATEN ME OF ROBBING ME OFF OR SHOOTING ME DOWN”
“THERE COULD SOMETHING WHICH YOU POSSESS WHICH ATTRACTS THIS MAN TO DO SUCH AN INSURGENT ACTIVITY”
“WELL, MY BUSINESS DEALINGS ARE ONLY WITH DAILY USED MEDICINES AND CERTAIN DRUGS”
“SIR, YOU MUST BE KNOWING THAT CRIMINALS, LIKE THIS MAN, ARE VERY MUCH ATTRACTED TO DRUGS AND ARE MOSTLY DRUG-ADDICTS”
“YES I KNOW THAT AND THE DRUG THAT I THINK, WOULD ATTRACT THESE VAGABONDS WOULD BE MY UNIQUE PRODUCT, MANTIQUINE”
“WHAT ARE THE EFFECTS OF THE DRUG, SIR?” SOBERS ASKED
“WELL, IT FASTENS THE SYNTHESIS OF THE SUBCUTANEOUS FAT IN THE BODY. THE NEWLY FORMED LAYER IS VERY HARD AND IMPERVIOUS….”
“AND IT WOULD BE USEFUL TO THE CRIMINALS FOR ITS BULLET RESISTANT NATURE, RIGHT MR.LINEKER” SOBERS INTERRUPTED
“YES YOU ARE RIGHT INSPECTOR. BUT IT HAS ITS OWN SIDE EFFECTS, THAT WILL AFFECT THE CONSUMER IN THE LONG RUN” I SAID
“WHO CARES SIR, ALL THEY WANT IS PROTECTION FROM THE POLICE FORCE, PARTICULARLY THE HARD BULLETS USED BY THE POLICE” HE SAID
“YES, BUT A DIPLOMATIC WAY OF ASKING ME WOULD HAVE BEEN BETTER” I QUIPED
“I AGREE, BUT DRUGS LIKE THESE MIGHT REQUIRE PERMISSIONS AND LICENSES FROM THE GOVERNMENT AND IT CANNOT BE POSSIBLE TO OBTAIN ANY; FOR THESE PEOPLE” SOBERS SAID
“SO INSPECTOR, I REQUEST YOU TO INFORM IT TO THE COMMISSIONER AS SOON AS POSSIBLE, I HAVE TO PROTECT MY FAMILY, MY CHILDREN WHO HAVE NO MOTHER, MY FACTORIES”
“I PITY FOR THE CHILDREN AND YOU SIR, PLEASE EXCUSE ME IF I AM TOO CURIOUS TO KNOW, BUT WHAT HAPPENED TO THE CHILDREN’S MOTHER, SIR?” SOBERS SAID
“SHE DIED 4 YEARS AGO DUE TO CHRONIC HEART TROUBLE” I SAID SADLY
“I AM VERY SORRY FOR THAT SIR (a small pause). BUT I AM SURE THE COMMISSIONER WILL LOOK INTO YOUR MATTER WITH UTMOST CARE, AS HE HAS NO HESITATION IN HELPING THE RICH” HE SAID
“THANK YOU INSPECTOR” I SAID
“YOUR MOST WELCOME SIR” AFTER SAYING THIS HE PLACED THE TELEGRAM ON THE NEARBY TABLE AND LEFT THE HALL.
1(C)
S
OBERS HAD INFORMED THE COMMISSIONER AND I GOT THE CASE REGISTRATION LETTER FROM THE COMMISSIONER. THE COMMISSIONER OF OUR VILLAGE WAS GEOFFREY LLOYD, THE MIGHTY GEOFFREY LLOYD I SHOULD SAY. HE WAS A MAN WITH GRIT AND INTELLIGENTLY FINE RATIOCINATION. HE WAS FULLY LOADED WITH THE PERFECT MANLY CHARACTERS, A DEMANDING VOICE, A STERN FACE WITH SHARP MOUSTACHE, WHICH WAS OF THE SAME LENGTH ON ANY GIVEN DAY THROUGHOUT THE YEAR, A TALL MAN, WHO WAS NEITHER TOO FAT NOR TOO THIN BUT SLIGHTLY ON THE STOCKIER SIDE. HIS PRESENCE CAN BE FELT IF HE WAS NEARBY AND HIS APPEARANCE DEMANDED RESPECT, WHICH CAME INVOLUNTARILY FROM ANY PERSON.
THE NEXT DAY WHEN I WENT TO POLICE HEADQUARTERS IN THE CHERYL STREET. IT WAS A TALL AND MULTISTOREYED, AMELIORATED ON A SOLID FOUNDATION; THERE HUNG A BOARD JUST OUTSIDE THE FOYER, WHICH READ ‘POLICE HEADQUARTERS – NALCHIK’ IN NEWLY PAINTED LETTERS.
AS I WENT IN TO MEET THE COMMISSIONER, THE COMMISSIONER STOOD UP AND WELCOMED ME INTO HIS ROOM. HIS RESPECT TO ME BY STANDING UP CAME BECAUSE OF THE ASSETS AND MONEY I POSSESSED. HOWEVER MY INVOLUNTARY RESPECT TO HIM, AS HIS APPEARANCE HAD DEMANDED CAME BY JUST LIFTING MY BOWER CAP OVER MY HEAD AND HELD IT IN MY HAND UNTIL THE CONVERSATION WITH HIM WAS OVER.
I JUST ASKED HIM ABOUT THE CASE AND HE SAID THAT HE WOULD DEPLOY A FEW OF HIS MEN TO PROTECT MY 3 FACTORIES, ALL OF THEM PRESENT IN NALCHIK.
“MR.LINEKER, I ALSO ASSURE YOU THAT MY MEN WILL OUTFLANK THOSE FELONIES OF THE YARDIES” THE COMMISSIONER SAID
“HMMM….. SO THE GANG NAME IS THE YARDIES” I SAID
“YES MR.LINEKER, AND THIS MAN ZACHARIAS QUELCH HEADS THE GANG; A VICIOUS CRIMINAL WHO HAS 17 CRIMINAL RECORDS AGAINST HIS NAME; MURDERS, ABDUCTIONS, GANG WARS, WHAT NOT, EVERY CRIME AGAINST HIS NAME” HE CLAPPERCLAWED
“HOPE YOUR MEN CAN HANDLE THESE RUFFIANS; SIR YOU WOULD WANT TO KNOW WHERE MY FACTORIES ARE AND ESPECIALLY I WANT YOUR MEN TO PROTECT MY UNIQUE DRUG, MANTIQUINE”
“THERE WOULD BE ONLY A FEW MEN IN THE WHOLE OF ENGLAND WHO WOULDN’T KNOW THE CORRECT PLACES OF THE LINEKER INDUSTRIES. VEX NOT MR.LINEKER, MY MEN WILL MAKE SURE THAT EACH AND EVERY DRUG AND MEDICINE OF YOUR FACTORIES ARE PROTECTED”
“THANK YOU COMMISSIONER. I SEEK TO TAKE LEAVE FROM YOU, FOR I WANT TO ATTENT TO MY OTHER DUTIES”
“SURELY MR.LINEKER. I REASSURE SAFETY FOR YOUR FAMILY AND FACTORIES WITHOUT DISCREDIT” HE SAID
I LEFT THE ROOM PUTTING THE BOWER BACK ON MY HEAD. THE CONVERSATION WITH HIM WAS COMFORTING AND FIRMLY BELIEVABLE.
1(D)
A
FTER REACHING HOME IN A RELAXED MANNER, AS A REPERCUSSION OF THE CONVERSATION WITH THE COMMISSIONER, I FOUND ALFRED WANTING ME
“HOW WAS YOUR DAY AT YOUR WORKPLACE, SIR?” ALFRED ASKED
“IT WAS FINE ALFRED” I REPLIED
“ALFRED, WHY THAT LONG FACE, IS SOMETHING WRONG?” I BESPOKE
“SIR, I HAVE A COGNITION THAT MY MOTHER IN BOURNEMOUTH IS UTMOST ILL AND MY PRESENCE THERE IS NEAR INDISPENSABLE”
“DO NOT WORRY ALFRED, AS I NEVER SPURNED TO SEND YOU TO YOUR PLACE AND NEITHER WILL I, EVEN THIS TIME” I ASSURED
“THANK YOU SIR” HE SAID
“BUT ALFRED, SINCE YOU KNOW THE PROVISO HERE IS QUITE THREATENING, YOUR QUICK RETURN WILL GIVE ME ‘AN EGG IN ONE’S BEER’” I SAID
“SURELY SIR, ABOUT A 2-DAY TARRIANCE WILL BE SUFFICIENT” A MIRTHFUL ALFRED SAID
“YOU MAY NOW LEAVE FOR BOURNEMOUTH AND TAKE GOOD CARE OF YOURSELF TOO, MAKE SURE YOU EQUIP YOURSELF WELL OR YOU MAY TAKE AN ACRID SUFFERING AGAINST THIS STINGING WINTER” I SAID
“YES SIR, GOODBYE FOR NOW SIR”
AFTER ALFRED’S BRIEF VISIT TO BOURNEMOUTH, HE RETURNED TO HIS ‘SECOND HOME’.
HE TOLD ME THAT HIS MOTHER WAS SUFFERING FROM ACUTE BRONCHITIS, WHICH CAUSED LESIONS TO HER RESPIRATORY ORGANS. SOON ALFRED SETTLED DOWN AND GOT DOWN TO BUSINESS.
ABOUT A WEEK LATER I RECEIVED A LETTER FROM MY DEBILITATED FRIEND, WAYNE PASEUS. THE LETTER FROM HIM ENQUIRED ABOUT MY HEALTH AND CHILDREN. WAYNE ALSO WROTE THAT HE WAS INAUGURATING A NEW FACTORY OF HIS, HIS 4TH EXTENTION OF THE PASEUS INDUSTRIES IN DORSET, WHICH WOULD PRODUCE APPAREL AND MY PRESENCE AT THE SACRAMENT WAS A MUST. BUT WITH SUCH PORTENTING FORTUITY HERE, IT WAS ALMOST IMPOSSIBLE TO ATTEND. BUT FORBIDDING HIS SUMMONS WOULD HURT HIM AS WE WERE CHILDHOOD FRIENDS AND WERE BONDED INTIMATELY FOR UPTO TWO DECADES, AFTER WHICH WE PURSUED OUR LIVES INDIVIDUALLY WITH OUR OWN VOCATIONS AND I VALUED FRIENDSHIP PROFOUNDLY. I NEEDED TIME TO THINK. LATER I CALLED ALFRED AND NARRATED THE CIRCUMSTANCES TO HIM. HE SAID
“I RECKON GOING TO THE CEREMONY WOULD BE BETTER AS YOU CAN SEE YOUR FRIEND AFTER A LONG TIME AND I WILL BE HERE TO TAKE CARE OF THE HOUSE, SIR.”
“BUT ALFRED, WHAT ABOUT THE CHILDREN?” I ASKED
“I INSIST YOU TAKE ALONG THE CHILDREN SIR, SHOULD ANY IMPERILMENT OCCUR, IT WILL AFFECT ONLY ME AND THE QUIESCENT HOUSE, SIR” ALFRED SAID
“BUT WHAT ABOUT MY FACTORIES, ZACHARIAS SURELY WOULDN’T SPARE THEM” I SAID
“THE COMMISSIONER AND HIS MEN WILL BE UP TO THE TASK OF SAFEGUARDING YOUR FACTORIES. SO THERE IS NOTHING FOR YOU TO WORRY SIR, EXCEPT FOR GOING TO DORSET” SAID HE
“OH I ALMOST FORGOT ABOUT THE POLICE FORCE GUARDING MY FACTORIES. HMMM…. SO I CAN SAFELY LEAVE FOR DORSET ALONG WITH ANDREW AND THOMAS”
“SIR, I WILL WRITE TO YOU ABOUT THE STATE OF AFFAIRS IN THE HOUSE” ALFRED SAID
“SURELY ALFRED AND I WILL SEND A REPLY BACK TO YOU ABOUT THE CEREMONY” I SAID
THREE DAYS LATER WHEN WE WERE ABOUT TO LEAVE FOR DORSET, I WANTED TO VISIT THE COMMISSIONER AND INFORM HIM THAT I WOULD BE ABSENT IN THE VILLAGE FOR FOUR DAYS AND WOULD BE VISITING DORSET. ON INFORMING THE COMMISSIONER, HE WISHED ME A GOOD SOJOURN AND REASSURED ME THAT MY FACTORIES WOULD BE SAFE ON MY RETURN.
AFTER TAKING LEAVE OF THE COMMISSIONER, I RETURNED HOME AND TOOK MY GEAR ALONG WITH THE CHILDREN AND ENTERED THE CART. JUST BEFORE LEAVING
“ALFRED, TAKE GOOD CARE OF THE HOUSE, I AM LEAVING NOW” I SAID
“ABSOLUTELY SIR. HAVE A HAPPY VOYAGE SIRS” ALFRED SAID
ALFRED GAVE A WARM SEND-OFF AND WE LEFT FOR DORSET ON November THE 17TH, 1920.
1(E)
3
0 HOURS LATER, WHEN WE REACHED DORSET, WE WERE WARMLY WELCOMED BY MY FRIEND WAYNE PASEUS. HE WELCOMED US AND SHOWED US THE NEW FACTORY HE WAS SETTING UP, WHICH WAS ALMOST COMPLETE AND WAS PREPARING FOR IT’S OPENING CEREMONY WHICH WAS TO BE HELD ON November THE 21ST, 1920. AFTER WAYNE SHOWED US AROUND THE FACTORY, WE WERE LED TO OUR COTTAGE, ABOUT 15 KILOMETERS FROM THE MANUFACTORY, SITUATED JUST BESIDE THE STATUESQUE MOUNTAINS OF DORSET. WE HAD TO FACE EVEN COLDER CONDITIONS, THAN WE HAD FACED IN NALCHIK. WE SETTLED DOWN IN OUR COTTAGE AND WERE HAVING THE LOCAL SOUP, WHICH WAS CALLED AS MIXATILES (pronounced – MIX-AH-TI-LESS) . IT WAS QUITE PIQUANT AND WE DECIDED THAT TWO SERVINGS OF MIXATILES WAS A MUST. IT WAS LATE IN THE EVENING WHEN WE COMPLETED HAVING THE SOUP AND I WAS READING A BOOK AND THE CHILDREN WERE IN A TORPOR STATE AND WERE ABOUT TO SLEEP.
TWO HOURS HAD PASSED BY AND I WAS STILL READING THE BOOK AND THE CHILDREN WERE NOW IN DEEP SLUMBER. BUT WHEN I WAS READING, IT SUDDENLY STRUCK TO ME THAT ALFRED WOULD SEND A TELEGRAM ABOUT THE STATE OF AFFAIRS IN THE HOUSE. EVEN IF THE TELEGRAM WAS JUST DELIVERED TO ANY PLACE IN DORSET, IT WOULD HAVE REACHED ME BECAUSE POSTMEN HAD TO MAKE SURE THAT ANY LETTERS OR TELEGRAPHS TO THE RICH MUST BE DELIVERED TO THEM, NO MATTER WHERE THEY WOULD BE IN THAT TOWN. SO I DID NOT REGRET FOR FORGETTING TO TELL THE ADDRESS TO ALFRED. IF ALFRED WOULD HAVE WRITTEN THE LETTER, IT SHOULD HAVE BEEN DELIVERED TO ME, BUT ITS NONDELIVERY, WALLOPED A RAY OF FEAR INTO MY HEART. OR I JUST SAID TO MYSELF THAT ALFRED, 76, MIGHT HAVE FORGOTTEN TO WRITE THE LETTER. BUT STILL THE FEAR ELEMENT IN MY HEART DID NOT DIE OUT.
THE OPENING CEREMONY WAS TO HELD AFTER 2 LONG DAYS. MY MIND WAS ALWAYS CONSTANTLY THINKING ABOUT THE YARDIES, THE FACTORIES, MY HOUSE AND EVERYTHING, FOR IT WERE MY POSSESSIONS THAT GAVE ME SUCH A STATUS AND DIGNITY IN THE SOCIETY AND ALSO THE BOUNTEOUS COMFORTS WHICH MY FAMILY COULD ENJOY BECAUSE OF THOSE HOLDINGS.
HOWEVER AFTER THE 2 LONG DAYS, THE CEREMONY WAS TO BE HELD ON THE THIRD DAY. BUT EVEN AFTER ALL THOSE LONG DAYS, I DID NOT RECEIVE ANY LETTER FROM ALFRED WHICH INVARIABLY AMPLIFIED MY WORST FEARS. HOWEVER WHEN THE CEREMONY TIME WAS NEARING AND WHEN WE WERE IN THE NUCLEUS OF THE CEREMONY MY FEARS HAD DISAPPEARED AS I WAS COMPLETELY ENGROSSED IN IT.
THE CEREMONY WAS A GRAND AFFAIR AND MANY PEOPLE OF THE RICH CLASSES ONLY WERE INVITED. THERE WERE VARIOUS PRESENTATIONS, FROM DIFFERENT BRANDS OF DANCES TO THE MOST POPULAR BRITISH GAME OF LOTTERY, CARD GAMES, SINGING AND A FEW GAMES WERE ALSO HELD FOR THE CHILDREN. IT WAS AN AUGUST MOMENT FOR ME WHEN BOTH ANDREW AND THOMAS WERE WINNERS OF SOME OF THE FEW GAMES THAT WERE CONDUCTED FOR THEM. ON THE OTHER HAND, THERE WAS ONLY MISFORTUNE FOR ME AS AUGHT I DID NOT ACCOMPLISH IN ANY OF THE UMPTEEN NUMBER OF GAMES I PLAYED. EVEN HAVING THE WORST OF FEARS IN THE HEART BUT GETTING ABSORBED IN SUCH A DELIGHTFUL OCCASION CANNOT BE A SURPRISE BECAUSE THE MAGNITUDE OF JOY OF THE PARTY OUTWEIGHED THE FEARS.
1(F)
T
HE NEXT DAY WE WERE TO RETURN BACK TO NALCHIK, THE MOMENT I HAD BEEN WAITING FOR AS SOON AS THE PARTY WAS OVER. WAYNE HAD ACCOMPANIED US TO SEND US OFF.
“IT WAS A REALLY GREAT PARTY, WAYNE, THE DANCES, THE MUSIC, THE GAMES AND EVERYTHING…… ABSOLUTELY EVERYTHING KEPT US CAPTIVATED IN THE PARTY TILL THE VERY END” I SAID
“OH, THANK YOU TERRY, IT WAS MY PLEASURE” WAYNE SAID
“THANK YOU FOR SUCH A COLOSSAL PARTY WAYNE, NOW I WISH TO TAKE LEAVE”
“MOST WELCOME TERRY. HOPE WE WILL MEET IN THE NEAREST OFFING. GOODBYE FOR NOW TERRY, GOODBYE ANDREW, GOODBYE THOMAS”
“GOODBYE WAYNE” I SAID
“GOODBYE MR.WAYNE” ANDREW AND THOMAS SAID
WE LEFT FOR NALCHIK FROM THE STATUESQUE MOUNTAINS OF DORSET, WHERE OUR COTTAGE WAS LOCATED. AFTER ABOUT 32 HOURS WE DISTANCED BACK TO OUR PLACE. BUT AS WE WERE NEARING OUR HOUSE, WE FOUND NOTHING, ABSOLUTELY NOTHING AT THE PLACE OF OUR HOUSE EXCEPT FOR A FEW WEAKENED BULWARKS, THERE WAS ANY SIGHT OF SLAVE, BUT THERE WAS A RICKETY AND TREMBLING ALFRED WHO RECEIVED US. HE WAS VERY DEJECTED AND WHIMPERING. MY DEADLIEST FEARS MIGHT HAVE COME TRUE.
“WHAT HAS HAPPENED ALFRED?” I ASKED IN A TRAUMATIZED STATE
“WHAT SHOULDN’T HAVE HAPPENED HAS HAPPENED, SIR” ALFRED SAID
I WAS DUMBSTRUCK, TOTALLY OUT OF MY SENSES
“ALFRED, THEN WHAT IS THE PLIGHT OF MY FACTORIES, ARE THEY WHOLE?”
“I AM VERY SORRY SIR, ONE OF QUELCH’S MEN TOLD ME THAT THEY WOULD STRIKE AND RAID THE FACTORIES ALSO. HOPE THE COMMISSIONER’S MEN ARE UPTO IT.” HE SAID SADLY
I COULD THINK OF NOTHING OTHER THAN GOING TO THE FACTORIES AND SCRUTINISE THEM. I IMMEDIATELY RUSHED TO THE FACTORIES, LEAVING THE CHILDREN BEHIND.
AFTER REACHING THE FACTORIES, ALL I COULD WATCH WAS A BLOODY SIGHT, DEAD POLICEMEN SCATTERED ON THE FIELD AND A CRUELY INJURED COMMISSIONER. I WAS JOLTED, DISCONSOLATE, AND WOEBEGONE AS I LOST EVERYTHING, MY HOUSE AND MY FACTORIES. THERE WAS NOTHING LEFT IN THE FACTORIES, NEITHER MANTIQUINE NOR ANY OTHER DRUG, NOT EVEN THE POWDERED FRITTER OF THE MEDICINES AND DRUGS. MY IDEAS OF RESISTING THE YARDIES BACKFIRED; IT ONLY ADDED FUEL TO THE FIRE TO ZACHARIAS AND HIS MEN.
I RUSHED BACK HOME TO TELL ALFRED ABOUT THE HAPPENING IN MY FACTORIES, AS HE WAS CONCERNED AS MUCH AS I WAS. ON TELLING HIM ABOUT THE CANONMENT AND RAID, HE WAS DUMBFOUNDED.
CONTROLLING ALL MY ANGER, FRUSTRATION AND SADNESS, I SAID WITH A HEAVYHEART
“ALFRED, I THANK YOU FOR ALL YOUR SERVICES FOR THE PAST 15 YEARS. I WISH YOU WILL GET EMPLOYED TO ANOTHER RICH NOBLE AS SOON AS POSSIBLE”
“NO SIR, I WISH TO REMAIN WITH YOU TILL I LAST”
ALFRED STILL CALLED ME SIR BECAUSE WE WERE INTIMATELY ATTACHED FOR ONE AND A HALF DECADES. ALFRED WORKED FOR ME, EVEN BEFORE ANDREW AND THOMAS WERE BORN. THIS INTIMATE ATTACHMENT WITH US NEVER LET HIM TO LEAVE US. HE WAS LIKE A MOTHER TO THE CHILDREN.
“ALFRED, BUT THE MISERIES, WE MUST GET ALONG WITH THE TAG OF PEASANTS, THE LOWEST RANK IN THE SOCIETY”
“AFTER ALL THE COMFORTS AND DIGNITY I GOT DURING MY TENURE, THERE SHOULD BE NO PROBLEM IN FACING THE MISERIES ALSO, SIR. I WISH TO COME ALONG AND HELP YOUR FAMILY SIR FOR I FIRMLY BELIEVE RECLAMATION OF A COMFORTABLE LIFE IS INEVITABLE” ALFRED SAID
ALFRED WAS WILLING SO MUCH TO HELP US THAT I COULD NOT DENY HIM FROM JOINING US. MY CHILDREN (Andrew Lineker – 10 and Thomas Oliver Lineker – 8) WHO WERE BESIDE ME DID NOT KNOW ANYTHING EXCEPT THAT THE HOUSE WAS DESTROYED. THEY DID NOT EVEN QUESTION ME OF ANYTHING, THEY MAINTAINED SILENCE AND ACCOMPANIED ME ALONGSIDE TO THE PUTRID TENEMENTS. WE HAD TO FACE COUNTLESS MISERIES BECAUSE THE DEVASTATION HAD OCCURRED.

hillwalker
07-17-2010, 08:12 AM
Firstly - why the capitalisation throughout? This makes the text extemely difficult to follow.

The story might have some promise but the way you write is rather awkward- in particular your use of long-winded dialogue. No one speaks in this way - nor would anyone in England have ever spoken so strangely even in the 1920s.

Also some of the vocabulary you use is rather convoluted - in a story you need to keep the language simple rather than try to impress the reader with how articulate you are.

for example, phrases like :

its farinaceous best
the paucity of peace
bereft of both popularity and threats

just don't make sense.

Also the use of 'furlongs' and 'the Cheryl Street' are out of place.

I would suggest you read more fiction of the type that you are tring to copy, identify their strengths and learn from other writers. The plot may have a lot going for it but the style of writing is in need of some rethinking.

Keep at it, and good luck

H

adityasam
07-17-2010, 12:30 PM
:-):-):-):-):-)

adityasam
07-17-2010, 12:31 PM
First of all thanks for reviewing my script. The capitalization looks good when you read it in PDF or DOCX and also i was impressed when i first saw it in a Sherlock Holmes book. Honestly, Sherlock Holmes is the only book series i ever read and other things i have read are comic books, so there is no other source from which i am copying or trying to copy. Coming to the vocabulary part, i was a bit too enthusiastic in the beginning of the writing and so i wanted to maintain a unique identity by using tough vocabulary, not that i wanted to challenge my readers or bore them down. However in the second chapter, i have brought the level of vocabulary after repeated complaints from my friend, that it was too tough for him to understand. There is one thing that i don't have to agree with, that is the usage of archaic English. The Sherlock Holmes series that was based almost in the same age, around 1900 uses the same type of English and my story is also based in the same period and that too in the second chapter, it goes back to 1890's, so i think have full rights to use the archaic English. Thanks again for reviewing my writing and hope you will like the story.

:iagree:

adityasam
07-17-2010, 12:38 PM
GROWING UP
2(A)
O
N 26TH OF September, 1879, I WAS BORN TO MARKHAM ELVYN LINEKER AND ALEXANDRA LINEKER, IN A HUGE VILLA IN DORSET. I WAS THE THIRD NATAL AND THE YOUNGEST IN OUR FAMILY, WITH TWO ELDER BROTHERS, CHRISTOPHER, WHO WAS 4 YEARS OLDER TO ME AND ETHAN, WHO WAS 3 YEARS OLDER TO ME. JUST ABOUT A MONTH LATER, PROBABLY ON 19TH OF OCTOBER, OUR NEIGHBOURS HAD GIVEN BIRTH TO THEIR FIRST AND ONLY CHILD, WAYNE PASEUS. THE PASEUS FAMILY WAS THE ONLY RICH FAMILY THAT LIVED ALONGSIDE US IN THE PARKER LANE. SO WAYNE WAS THE ONLY PERSON WHO COULD BEFRIEND ME IN MY CHILDHOOD.
2(B)
I
N MY EARLY CHILDHOOD, HAPPINESS AND COMFORT WERE THE ONLY TWO EMOTIONS I KNEW, OR I SHOULD SAY, THE ONLY TWO EMOTIONS I COULD GET TO KNOW BECAUSE MY FATHER WAS THE THEN PREMIER OF THE LINEKER INDUSTRIES AND HAD A VERY LUCRATIVE INCOME, SO OUR NEEDS WERE SATISFIED WITHOUT FURTHER CAVIL. OUR HOUSE KEEPER CHADRICK WAS ALSO A GREAT HELP IN SUFFICING OUR DESIDERATUMS. EVEN EDUCATION, WHICH WAS A BURDEN TO MY CHILDREN, WAS PROVIDED TO US IN THE MOST UNTROUBLED TENOR BY MR.HURST. HOWEVER, AT THE SAME TIME, MY PARENTS MADE SURE THAT GOOD IDIOSYNCRASIES CONSORTED THE COMFORTS WE WERE PROVIDED WITH.
WAYNE WAS THE ONLY FRIEND I HAD DURING MY CHILDHOOD DAYS. HE WAS ONE OF A TYPE BECAUSE HE WOULD NEVER GET HURT EVEN IF HE WERE INSULTED AND TRIED TO GET AWAY WITH THE BUMP RATHER THAN PONDERING OVER IT AND ALSO WAS A VERY JOVIAL AND LIGHTHEARTED PERSON WHO ALWAYS KEPT ME ENTERTAINED.
IT WAS DURING CHRISTMAS IN THE YEAR 1889, WHEN I AND WAYNE WERE 10 YEARS OLD, THIS SUSPENSE CLOGGED AND THRILLING INCIDENT HAD HAPPENED. THERE WAS A HUGE AND DESOLATE MANSION, WHICH WAS ABOUT HALF A FURLONG AWAY FROM OUR HOUSE. THOUGH IT WAS UNINHABITED FOR THE LAST FEW YEARS, IT WASN’T HAUNTED AND IMPERCEPTIBLY IT BECAME A PLAYING EXPANSE FOR THE CHILDREN OF OUR STREET. HOWEVER THE MANSION WAS NOT OCCUPIED, BUT THE CHILDREN PLAYED THERE AND LEFT THE PLACE. AS MORE AND MORE CHILDREN STARTED FROLICKING IN THE OPEN GARDENS OF THE MANSION, WE WERE ALL THE MORE AMAINED TO JOIN THE OTHER CHILDREN. HOWEVER AS MOST OF THE CHILDREN WERE FROM THE POOR CLASS WHO WERE CARRIERS OF LETHAL DISEASES BECAUSE THERE WERE NO MEDICINES NOR VACCINES AVAILABLE TO THE POOR, WE WERE STRAITLY ORDERED NOT TO GO. ALTHOUGH THEY WERE CARRIERS OF DISEASES, THE RICH PLAYING WITH THE POOR WAS CONSIDERED UNHOLY AND A PIDDLING CRIME THAT WOULD AFFECT OUR STATUS IN THE SOCIETY. HOWEVER, WHAT WAS ASKED FOR BY US ON PUISSANT AND EFTED IMPORTUNITIES, WE WERE LET YEDE AND PLAY IN THE MANSION. HOWBEIT WE WERE ALLOWED TO PLAY, WE WERE LEAST GRANTED TO MAKE FRIENDS WITH THE OTHER CHILDREN SIMPLY BECAUSE MOST OF THEM BELONGED TO THE LOWEST CLASS OF THE BRITISH SOCIETY AND MAKING FRIENDS WITH THEM WOULD AFFECT OUR DIGNITY AND RESPECT.
ONE FINE EVENING WHEN ME, WAYNE AND THE VERY FEW RICH CHILDREN WHO WERE PRESENT IN THE GARDENS OF THE MANSION, WERE PLAYING HIDE & SEEK, WE WERE ALLOWED TO HIDE EVEN IN THE HUGE MANSION AND FREDRICK WAS THE SEEKER AND HAD TO COUNT UPTO A HUNDRED. EVERYONE OF US STARTED RUNNING IN DIFFERENT BENDS TO HIDE, I WENT TO THE SHAKE-DOWN ON THE TOP FLOOR. THE ROOM HAD AN ALCOVE WITH A BROKEN BOOKSHELF AND A VERY SMALL AND SEVERD BED. I USHERED AND DUCKED IN THE RUNTY SPACE BETWIXT THE BED AND THE BOOKSHELF. THE BOOKSHELF HAD A FEW QUONDAM BOOKS, THAT COVERED ME AND I FELT A LITTLE BIT ELATED FOR I FOUND AN UNSEARCHABLE PLACE. THOUGH IT WAS A BRIGHT MORNING, SCANTY LIGHT ENTERED THE ALCOVE THROUGH ITS WINDOW. PROBABLY IT WAS DUE TO THE DENSE FOLIAGE THAT WAS PRESENT AROUND THE MANSION.
ABOUT AN HOUR HAD PASSED BY AND I WAS STILL FOUND WANTING TO BE CAUGHT. FEARING THAT ALL THE OTHERS MIGHT HAVE LEFT AFTER A COPIOUS SEARCH FOR ME, I STARTED RUNNING TO GET OUT OF THE HOUSE. WANION EKED MY FEARS AND I FOUND THE MAIN FOYER CLOSED. THOUGH THE HOUSE WAS NOT HAUNTED, I WAS VERY MUCH AFRAID. HERETOFORE, I ONLY LISTENED TO HORROR ADVENTURES, BUT THEN I FOUND MYSELF TRAPPED IN SUCH CIRCUMSTANCES. MY FEARS WERE MULTIPLYING BETIMES BECAUSE I WAS ONLY 7 THEN AND WAS VERY FRAIL AND ANTSY CHILD. THE ANTIQUATED CLOCK THAT HUNG ABOVE THE FOYER, SHOWED HALF-PAST-FIVE. THE DAY WAS COMING TO AN END, DUSK WAS APPROACHING AND I WAS VERY MUCH NERVOUS AND AGITATED. EVERYDAY, I HAD TO BE BACK AT MY HOUSE BEFORE SIX, BUT IT LOOKED IMPOSSIBLE THEN.
I PASSED OFF THE HALF HOUR, SITTING STILL AND STAMMERING RIGHT BESIDE THE MAIN DOOR. THE OLD CLOCK ABOVE ME STRUCK 6:00 AND THE FULMINATING GONG OF THE CLOCK ALMOST TOOK AWAY MY LIFE AS IT WAS VERY MUCH HAUNTING. I ANXIOUSLY EXPECTED FOR A SERVANT TO TAKE ME ALONG BECAUSE A SERVANT WOULD COME FOR US IF WE WOULDN’T RETURN BEFORE SIX.
15 MINUTES HAD PASSED BY AND STILL I COULDN’T HEAR THE FOOTSTEPS OF ANY SERVANT. THE SERVANT MIGHT HAD COME BUT COULDN’T FIND ME AND LEFT. I WAS LEFT ALONE IN THE HUGE MANSION. THOUGH IT WAS NOT HAUNTED, IT LOOKED LIKE ONE TO ME IN THAT SITUATION. THE ANTIQUATED AND SPIDER-WEB LADEN THINGS ONLY SERVED TO AUGMENT MY FEARS. THE TASK WAS UPTO ME TO GET OUT OF THE HOUSE, THINGS HAD TO BE WORKED OUT SWITH.
I ANON GOT OUT OF MY PLACE AND TRIED TO OPEN TH DOOR WITH AMAIN POWER, BUT MY EFFORTS WENT IN VAIN. THE FOYER WAS UNOPENABLY CLOSED AND I HAD TO FIND TOTHER WAY OUT. IN THOSE DAYS, EVERY HUGE MANSION HAD AN ESCAPE DOOR TO GET OUT OF THE HOUSE IN CASE OF A RAID OR EMERGENCY. BUT SUCH DOORS WERE HIDDEN IN UNUSUAL PLACES AND FINDING THAT DOOR WOULD BE A TASK FOR THE CHILDREN TO DO. BREAKING THE WINDOWS WAS MY OTHER PLAN, BUT HAD I DONE IT, PEOPLE WOULD TAKE ME AS A THEIF. SO I AVOIDED THAT PLAN AND ONLY THOUGHT OF SEARCHING FOR THE ESCAPE DOOR.
“THE ESCAPE DOOR CANNOT BE PRESENT ON THE SECOND AND THE TOP FLOOR BECAUSE THERE WERE NO STAIRS AND IT CAN ONLY BE PRESENT ON THE YONSIDE OF THE FOYER.” I SAID TO MYSELF LOUDLY TO VANQUISH MY FEARS. I HASTILY STARTED SEARCHING FOR THE ESCAPSE ROUTE, THROWING AWAY EVERY THING THAT CAME INTO MY WAY. I EVEN SEARCHED FOR A BASEMENT, BY TAPPING MY FEET ON THE FLOOR. THE GROUND FLOOR WAS A LARGE EXPANSE AND IT TOOK NEARLY 3 HOURS FOR ME TO SCAN THE ENTIRE AREA IN DETAIL. NEITHER I FOUND THE ESCAPE DOOR NOR ANY BASEMENT. I WAS VERY MUCH FATIGUED AND SAT DOWN HEAVILY IN THE UNKNOWN PLACE OF THE GROUND FLOOR. FEEBLE SOUNDS OF THE PENDULUM SOUNDING 9 TIMES WAS AUDIBLE WHICH SIGNALLED THAT THE TIME WAS 9. HAD I BEEN IN MY HOME, I WOULD HAVE BEEN GOING TO BED AFTER A SUMPTOUS DINNER. BUT THERE, NEITHER DINNER NOR ANY WATER WAS AVAILABLE. EVEN POLLUTED WATER COULD HAVE DONE, BUT STILL I COULDN’T FIND ANY TAPS. EXHAUSTION OVERTOOK ME AND I BETIMES WENT INTO SLUMBER.
A
BOUT THREE HOURS LATER, I WAS WOKEN UP BY A STARTLING SOUND OF A VASE BREAKING INTO PIECES. INITIALLY I WASN’T AFRAID AS I WAS IN A SLEEPY STATE AND DID NOT KNOW WHERE I WAS, BUT AS SOON AS I REALISED THAT I WAS ALL ALONE IN A HUGE MANSION, MY FEARS CAME BACK. I FORTHWITH RUSHED TO THE MAIN HALL TO CHECK IF ANY THING WAS BROKEN, BUT FOUND NOTHING. I GAVE A TENSED GLANCE AT THE CLOCK ABOVE THE FOYER. 12:20! MY MIND WENT BLANK. I WAS AFRAID IF A GHOST HAD BROKEN A VASE IN THE SECOND OR THIRD FLOORS. IN THE STORIES THAT WERE CHANTED TO ME, I CAME WIST THAT THE GHOSTS WAKE UP AT THE STROKE OF MIDNIGHT.
I MADE UP MY MIND THAT I SHOULD GO ON AND CHECK ON THE SECOND AND THIRD FLOORS. BUT MY FEARS DIDN’T LET ME TO DO SO. I WAITED FOR ANOTHER 10 MINUTES TO SEE IF THE GHOSTS WOULD BREAK ANOTHER THING. AT THE GONG OF THE CLOCK, I SLOWLY STARTED TOWARDS THE STAIRS. THE STAIRCASE WAS A SPIRAL ONE WITH BROKEN BANICULARS, IT MADE IT ALL THE MORE DIFFICULT TO GET A VIEW OF WHAT WAS PRESENT ABOVE THE STAIRS. I HAD TO KEEP GUESSING ALL THE WAY. THE LENGTHY STAIRCASE WAS OVER AND I WAS PRESENT ON THE SECOND FLOOR, LOOKING AT THE BLACK VICINITY AS NO LIGHT ENTERED INTO THE ROOM. WITH THE SPEED OF A SNAIL, I WAS MOVING WITH MY HANDS THROWN FORWARDS TRYING TO GET A TOUCH OF ANYTHING THAT WOULD BE IN FRONT OF ME. AN ÁSTRENGED WIND FLEW FROM THE YONSIDE OF THE ROOM. THE PIERCING WIND SHRINKED MY FEARS AS I THOUGHT THAT THERE WAS AN OPENING IN THE ROOM AND I COULD ESCAPE OUT OF THIS INFERNO. I SLOWLY WALKED TO THE SIDE OF THE ROOM FROM WHERE THE WIND WAS BLOWING IN. I PUT MY HAND INTO THE PIT AND FELT THE AIR WAS BLOWING IN BUT JUST AS I LOOKED ABOVE, I FOUND A VENTILATOR WITH DIM LIGHT PASSING THROUGH IT BUT THE WIND WAS EVEN BLOWING FROM THERE. I WAS RELLY WORRIED THEN, SHOULD I VENTURE INTO THE PIT OR TO FIND OUT ANOTHER PASSAGE. I WAS AFRAID IF THE PIT WOULD TAKE ME TO SOME OTHER HORRIFYING PLACE. BUT ATLEAST THE BLOWING WIND DOFFED OF MY FEARS THAT THERE WERE NO GHOSTS. FOR ONE MOMENT I THOUGHT OF NOTHING OTHER THAN CONSIDERING MYSELF AS A BLOCKHEAD FOR BELIEVING IN THOSE FANCIED GHOSTS WHICH I THEN REALISED THAT THEY DID NOT EXIST.
I SOMEHOW COMPLETED THE SEARCH FOR ANOTHER PASSAGE IN THE SECOND FLOOR BUT COULDN’T FIND ONE. I IGNORED THE THIRD FLOOR AS I FEARED THAT EVEN IF I FOUND A PASSAGE, I SHOULD IGNORE IT BECAUSE I WAS SCARED OF HEIGHTS AND WOULDN’T DARE A BIT TO ESCAPE FROM SUCH A GREAT HEIGHT. METHOUGHT THAT THE PASSAGE I FOUND OUT IN THE SECOND FLOOR WOULD BE LONG AND SHOULD BE TAKING SOME REST BEFORE VENTURING INTO THE GREAT ESCAPE ROUTE. THE REST WOULD ALSO DELAY MY EXIT OUT OF THE MANSION. WITHOUT THE REST I WOULD BE ON THE ROADS AT A VERY EARLY AND DANGEROUS TIME. SO I PREFERRED TO STAY AND TAKE REST IN THE MANSION AS THERE WAS NO ONE AROUND WITHAL IT WAS NOT HAUNTED.
AFTER RESTING MYSELF FOR ABOUT TWO HOURS, I WOKE UP AND FOUND THE DIM LIGHT PASSING THROUGH THE VENTILATOR, A BIT MORE CLEAR AND DISTINCT AND FAINTLY YELLOWISH. THE FAINT YELLOW COLOUR WAS ENOUGH TO CHEER ME UP AS IT WAS DAWN. I GOT UP EAGERLY AND ENTERED THE PIT, CRAWLING THROUGH THE MUDDY PIT AS FAST AS I COULD. AT ONE POINT I CAME ACROSS A STAIRCASE LEADING DOWNWARDS. WITHOUT FURTHER ADIEU, I DESCENDED THE STAIRS AND AT THE END OF THE STAIRCASE, I FOUND A DOOR. TO ME IT LOOKED LIKE THE DOOR WHICH WAS WANTING TO BE OPENED BY ME AND WHICH WOULD TAKE ME TO HEAVEN. I OPENED IT WITH FULL ANXIETY. CLIK! THE DOOR OPENED, TO MY LEFT I FOUND OUT ANOTHER STAIRCASE LEADING UPWARDS. AT THE TOP-END OF THE STAIRS THERE WAS A SMALL SHUTTER LIKE DOOR. I CLIMBED THE STAIRS AS QUICKLY AS POSSIBLE AND OPENED THE SHUTTER. AS I OPENED THE SHUTTER, I SAW THE FAINT AND DARK BLUE SKY ABOVE ME. I POPPED MY HEAD ABOVE THE SHUTTER ENTRANCE, TO FIND A FEW TREES AND GREEN GRASS. MY JOY KNEW NO BOUNDS, I MADE IT TO THE GARDEN. I CAME OUT OF THE SHUTTER ENTRANCE AND STOOD ON THE GRASS JUST LIKE A PRINCE WHO WOULD BE GETING CROWNED. I IMMEDIATELY RUSHED TO THE MAIN GATE, OPENED IT WITH ALL MIGHT, AS IT WAS HUGE AND RAN DOWN THE ROAD TO MY HOME, VERY DEAR HOME INDEED. I FOUND MY FATHER AND MOTHER WAITING AND A SERVANT RUSHING TOWARDS THE MANSION TO SEARCH ME OUT. AS SOON AS I SAW HIM, I EAGERLY WAVED TO HIM, HE WAVED BACK TO ME. I THEN RUSHED TOWARDS MY PARENTS AND HUGGED THEM WITH AMAINED POWER AND AT LAST I COULD REMEMBER ABOUT MY STARVATION WHICH WAS ABATED BY MY FEARS AND ANXIETY.
ON ASKING MY FATHER FOR WHY THEY DID NOT SEARCH FOR ME IN THE MANSION, HE SAID THAT THE SERVANT HAD COME AND SEARCHED FOR ME IN THE GARDEN AND NOT WITHIN THE HOUSE BECAUSE THE HOUSE WAS ALWAYS LOCKED UP AND ALSO THAT THEY WANTED TO SEARCH FOR ME AT THE CRACK OF DAWN. I WONDERED FOR A SECOND FOR HOW WE LITTLE CHILDREN, ME AND MY FRIENDS OPENED THAT LOCK, HOWEVER IT WAS UNOPENABLE WHEN I WANTED TO GET OUT. MY FATHER ALSO SAID THAT HE WAS WORRIED WHEN MY FRIENDS HAD RETURNED BUT NOT ME, SO HE SENT A SERVANT TO FETCH ME. HE ALSO TOLD ME THAT THE DOOR WOULD AUTOMATICALLY GET LOCKED WHEN IT WAS JUST CLOSED TIGHTLY. NO WONDER, SUCH A PROTECTIVE MEASURE TAKEN UP TO SAFEGUARD SUCH A HUGE MANSION. THEN MY PARENTS ASKED ME HOW I SPENT THE NIGHT, I WAS NARRATING TO THEM MY EXPERIENCES, WALKING WITH THEM INTO MY HOME.
2(C)
2
4TH OF September, 1894, ALL THE SERVANTS OF MY HOME WERE ENGROSSED IN WORK, PEOPLE WERE MOVING AROUND AND EVEN MY BROTHERS CHRISTOPHER AND ETHAN LENT THEIR HANDS TO WORK, WHICH THEY SELDOM DID OR WERE DISALLOWED TO DO. FATHER WAS BUSY WRITING TELEGRAPHS TO HIS DEAR FRIENDS AND MOTHER WAS INSTRUCTING THE WORKERS ABOUT THEIR TASKS AND GAVE THEM A SPECIFIC TIME TO COMPLETE IT. I WAS AT THE CORNER OF THE HALL, AT THE DINING TABLE AND WAS WATCHING WITH FULL ANXIETY. THOUGH I KNEW THAT MY BIRTHDAY WAS JUST 2 DAYS AWAY, I STILL WANTED TO KNOW IF THE ARRANGEMENTS THAT WERE BEING MADE WERE FOR MY BIRTHDAY ONLY OR FOR SOME OTHER EVENT. BUT I COULD ASK NONE AS THEY WERE TOTALLY IMMERSED IN THEIR WORK AND FORGOT ABOUT THE ENTIRE EARTH SAVE THIER WORK. SO I SHRUNK BACK TO MY PLACE. COLOURFUL BANDEROLES EMBELLISHED THE WALLS, GRAMOPHONES WERE PUT IN PLACE WITH THE DISCS FOR THE PARTY MUSIC, THE DANCERS WERE REHEARSING, EVERYTHING AND EVERYONE WAS IN A FAIN MOOD. EVERYONE IN THE HOUSE OTHER THAN ME WAS WORKING.AFTER A FEW MINUTES, A SERVANT PASSED BY ME, I STOPPED HIM AND ASKED IF THE ARRANGEMENTS THAT WERE BEING MADE WERE FOR MY BIRTHDAY, HE REPLIED THAT THEY WERE BEING MADE FOR TWO REASONS, ONE FOR MY BIRTHDAY AND THE OTHER FOR A REASON HE WAS NOT ALLOWED TO TELL ON INSTRUCTIONS FROM MY FATHER. HOWEVER HE SAID THAT BOTH OF THE REASONS WOULD ONLY DO GOOD TO ME. AFTER PONDERING OVER THE UNKNOWN SECOND REASON FOR A FEW MINUTES, I LEFT HOME TO PLAY WITH MY FRIENDS.
AFTER RETURNING HOME FROM PLAY, SUPPER WAS SERVED AND IT WAS CERTES ONE OF THE BEST SUPPERS I EVER HAD, REMARKABLY GRAND INDEED. I ASKED, WHY THE CHILDREN WERE SERVED SUCH A GRAND SUPPER, MY FATHER AND MOTHER SMILED AND JUST CONTINUED SUPPING. IT LOOKED LIKE A MIXED REPLY TO ME, COSISTING OF BOTH HAPPY AND SAD FEELINGS. I EYEBALLED AT MY BROTHER’S FACES, NEITHER’S FACE SHOWED AN EXPRESSION, WITH GRIM FACES THEY JUST CONTINUED SUPPING. I FELT A BIT TEENED BECAUSE IT WAS NOT THE NORMAL WAY WE HAD OUR DINNER. I JUST COMPLETED MY DINNER, LISTENED TO THE GRAMOPHONE RECORDS FOR A SHORT TIME AND THEN WENT TO BED. CHRISTOPHER AND ETHAN CAME IN AFTER A SHORT TIME, DID NOT WISH ME THE REGULAR “GOOD NIGHT, TERRY” AND WENT TO BED. WITH A SUDDEN BURST OF ANGER, I SHOUTED
“WHAT ON EARTH IS WRONG IN THIS HOUSE, WHY IS EVERYONE SO DIFFERENT TODAY!”
4 ANGRY EYES STARED AT ME, CHRISTOPHER MY ELDEST BROTHER, EXERTED HIS POWER
“GO TO SLEEP, TERRY” HE SAID WITH A DEEP VOICE.
ETHAN, WHO WAS A BIT AMIABLE TO ME, SAT BY ME AND SAID
“TERRY, THERE IS NOTHING FOR YOU TO WORRY ABOUT, WE JUST BEHAVED DIFFERENTLY SO AS TO AVOID ANY DISCLOSURE OF THE SURPRISES WE PLANNED FOR YOUR BIRTHDAY.”
I COMPLETELY BELIEVED IN HIM BECAUSE HE TOLD ME THE TRUTH OR AT LEAST IT LOOKED TO ME LIKE THE TRUTH BECAUSE OF HIS CONVINCING AND SOFT VOICE. HIS WORDS MADE ME TO CAPRICE, I FELT HAPPY AND GAVE A HAPPY SMILE TO MY BROTHERS. CHRISTOPHER CAME AND SAT BY ME AND BOTH OF THEM GAVE A GENTLE TAP ON MY BACK AND SAID IN A COMFORTING VOICE, “GOOD NIGHT, TERRY”. THOSE WORDS HAD THE SWEETNESS OF A ROSE, I FOUND MY BROTHERS BACK AND I WENT TO SLEEP IN THE HAPPIEST STATE OF MIND POSSIBLE.

Still, so much more to go in Chapter 2.....

DickZ
07-17-2010, 03:10 PM
If text in all caps really looked good, as you seem to think it does, wouldn't all books be printed that way?

hillwalker
07-17-2010, 04:53 PM
Ok..... let me have a proper read of this again (as well as your new posting) and I will reply tomorrow.
Sherlock Holmes was always a favourite of mine when I was a teenager so I can understand how you want to copy Conan Doyle's style.

H

adityasam
07-18-2010, 02:42 AM
You didn't get me, in my PDF script, with a colourful watermark and good font, it looked good. Why don't you download it see and honestly i still never thought of printing but the logo i used in my script is just for decoration. However you can take it as my style. Waiting for your reply on the part i posted of the second chapter.

Thanks in advance.