Backtrack

[Jerrybaldy]

Bald head wants its hair back
Avarice wants its share back
Lost boy wants his mum back
The band another comeback
The dealer wants his crack back
Smackhead wants his smack back
Black Jack, Big Stack
Big Booty, Black Crack
Bare Back
Snack Attack
Union Jack
Backtrack.

[Jerrybaldy]

Oh come on all you good people at least rip it to pieces. From what I can see its at least different to most on here. It started with rhyme and reason and ended up with just rhyme and a ack attack. It visited drugs and depravity along the way. At the very least deserves a that was crap
JB. Dont leave me thinking this site is too sensitive for its own good.

[Hawkman]

Don't panic Jerry, people are reading it. Not every poem gets an instant response. If you would like some honest feedback, and remember all feedback is subjective, I'd say this is not the strongest piece we've seen from you. That doesn't mean it's all bad though. I think it starts out well. The first 6 lines with their reiterative theme look to be leading somewhere, but it reads a little anticlimactically after that. The poem doesn't really go anywhere, at least for my part, anywhere with landmarks. But this is just my opinion. others may be less disonrientated by the destination.

Anyway, Keep writing and I'll keep reading.

Best, H

[Jerrybaldy]

Thanks H. it did start out with an intention of going somewhere. It was going to lead to the end result of going back and of nostalgia which is obviously disappearing back into your Mothers womb. Where else?

But I fell in love with the sound of ack. That was climactic to me but must have failed to come across. Anyways thanks for responding. JB.

[Alexander III]

Honestly the first half I didn't dig

I really liked the bottom half though

[Jerrybaldy]

Well I never expected that Alex. More power to your elbow. I love that you liked the bit nobody was gonna like.

[Delta40]

very good. I like the link to growing expressions which cast a broader picture of one word. i appreciate 'backtrack' even more now.

thanks

[Jerrybaldy]

Thank you Delta. Your sun is my moon Australia.
TY for reading. And getting.
JB

[PrinceMyshkin]

I enjoyed it for the sense of the challenge the poet had set himself, and I think you acquitted yourself well, though I did think that "Union Jack" pointed the poem in a political direction it didn't otherwise justify.

Could you possibly have been influenced by Tim Burton's very funny film Mars Attacks in which the invading Martians speak in a variety of "Ack-acks"?

[Bar22do]

as for me (or my rhyming part of the mind), i was sure your last line would be:

"any feedbacks?"

they would have come faster... I'm fascinated with ack sound

and salute your challenging lines (even with different conclusion)


best - Bar

[Jerrybaldy]

Prince. No politics in Union Jack, It just had an ack. havent seen mars attacks. Nothing to be read into this verse just lost control of the acks and it felt good.

[Jerrybaldy]

Bar
in hindsight that would have been a better end
cheers
JB

[Maryd.]

Jerry, I loved this. As well as it being the perfectly rhymed, I found it hilarious.
Keep them coming sir.

[Jerrybaldy]

Maryd
I am surprised and delighted by your reply. You are still the holder of the best poem I have read on this site.
best wishes
JB

[Maryd.]

You flatter me sir...
Thanks muchly. But don't be too sure of that. There are so many wonderful poems on this sight.
Regards
Mary

[hack]

I am one to try, by subtraction, to get addition. I would leave out lines 10 and 11 altogether. I think that would make the poem more cohesive. As has been formerly suggested, the first 6 lines might stand alone. It seems to me that if you want to keep the second half, you should sharpen it somewhat. You can keep the "ack", just keep it meaningful. I liked the street scene start of this, but I would have liked to see it show me some exposition to end on. Good stuff...peace...
disclaimer: Please take all suggestions with a grain of salt, it is your poem after all.

[Jerrybaldy]

Hi Mary
there are many wonderful poems on this site but " Lay your head on my breast" would be the one I would remember if I never came on here again.
best wishes
JB

[Jerrybaldy]

Hi Hack ( good name :)
have looked at your suggestion and you are right. Think you proved the point that writers can be crap editors. Can't take it back, Hack.
best wishes and TY
JB

[Maryd.]

Dearest Jerry... Thank you kindly for your reply regarding my poem Rest your head on my Breast. It means a lot to me to know that sometimes my poems; even if only one, can be rememebered, is a joy. Thanks muchly.
Mary

[Jerrybaldy]

Rest not lay. Forgive my misquote. Was from memory and my memory is not as good as your poetry :)

[Maryd.]

Golly you had me checking... It is definitely 'Rest.'
Oh, don't worry about the memory, I think I lost that years ago... Hahahaha.