Distance

[Hawkman]

Darkness
and the tolling bellfrogs chime and chirp
while far off lightning, blazing in the sky,
silhouettes the stark and leafless trees.

Unheard
the thunder of the night and no rain falls;
just the beads of sweat upon my brow
to land in dusty craters at my feet.

Dancing
with the wicked flames in rising air,
sparks in twisted columns of brief life
flare brightly even as they die.

Wood smoke
drifts on listless zephyrs, stings my eyes,
sears my throat and so I barely breathe
as gunshot logs pierce the insect hiss.

Distance
now the world I left behind a fading dream;
I know sensation and the justice of the plains,
my fate is mine alone, for I am free.

[tailor STATELY]

Evokes within me the imagery of a dream quest.

Very well done.

[Delta40]

Hawk, I love the way you begin each stanza with a single word. Every time you have cast a very strong imagery with your poetry and left us with some deeper understanding of words.

well done

[dafydd manton]

You've done it again, Hawk. Top man!

[PrinceMyshkin]

This is, I think, a somewhat different voice for you - but eloquent as ever. And there is much ambivalence in the assertion of freedom in that last line. Free and... or Free, but...?

[Hawkman]

Thanks tailor, glad you liked it.

D40, thank you too and I’m glad you found the format pleasing. Words are the writer’s currency and that you, who are no slouch as a wordsmith, find increased value in the ones I choose, is deeply gratifying. Thanks again.

Dafydd, thanks. I am always encouraged when an author, columnist, raconteur and all-round good egg, deems my humble efforts worthy of praise… :D If you would care to share the secret of how to become, ‘Nearly rich and famous,’ I would be happy to reciprocate on how to be, ‘Poor and nearly starving in obscurity.’ I feel sure that one of us would find the exchange beneficial. :devil:

Thanks Prince, yes it is a bit off the beaten track. I wrote it a couple of months ago and shelved it. I found it again this morning and thought it wasn’t actually that bad. Ambivalence in the last line? Well, maybe. There are many kinds of freedom and each must seek his own in the way that seems best to him.

Thank you all again for gracing this poem with your attention.

Live long and prosper. H

[breathtest]

I like the prose structure.

[hack]

Hawk, I like this one very much.
The sense of solitude and
otherworldly setting make it
stark. It is illuminated though
by lines like: "the tolling bellfrogs
chime and chirp" and "sparks in
twisted columns of brief life".
(misspelling in V4L3)
Very, very good stuff.
...peace...

[Hawkman]

Thanks, breathtest.

hack, thank you too (especially for pointing out the typo :D ) I'm glad you like the quoted lines as they are. I was tempted to tweak the sparks line to, "...columns brief of life..." I'm glad I didn't now. The otherworldly setting is African by the way.

Live long and prosper. H

[Bar22do]

Hawk, I believe you'd agree that:

Darkness unheard
dancing wood smoke
d i s t a n c e...

alone would too make for an evocative poem, with much matter for thought... (speaking of all kinds of freedom...) though of course I love the whole poem as you unburied it from your shelves the other day and shared here! Best - Bar

[Hawkman]

Sweet Bar,

Such a six word poem would indeed be thought provoking. The thoughts it provoked in me are the wadding between the lines :D Again, many thanks for gracing this poem with your generous attention...

Live and be well, H

[AuntShecky]

Like all of your verse, this appeals to the ear. It sounds good. There are a couple of lines that I would (almost) kill to be able to write. For instance:

and the tolling bellfrogs chime and chirp

That's a play on words with "bell" substituting for "bull" in frogs, with the participle and two verbs describing both. (It reminds me of an old NYTimes crossword clue.*) Clever, clever!

That I'm really having trouble picturing and understanding some of the images has nothing to do with the quality of this verse in particular or your enviable skill in general.

So, if I may ask, could you clarify some of the problems I'm having with this.

The opening word --"Darkness "and the word that opens the last stanza/"strophe" --"Distance" -- both lack verbs.

On the other hand, the verb "falls" has two nouns: both the rain (which doesn't fall) and the sweat (which does.) I do think this split is not only all right, in fact it's effective. By the bye, maybe you'd want to substitute a different word for the somewhat hackneyed "beads" for depicting sweat.

The word "dancing" does not "dangle" at all, and is used appropriately as a participle to describe the "sparks" in the speaker's campfire.

I can't make head nor tail out of this line. Could you explain?:
as gunshot logs pierce the insect hiss.

I realize that insects make a hissing noise, but how could a log (albeit one riddled with old gunshot) "pierce" it? I can picture the bugs flying in and out of the holes, but I can't get this image.

Or is the word "logs" a synonym for the noun "reports"?

Overall, tell me if I got the gist: a camper/traveler is out in the wild and the harsh conditions are making him miserable. It's a hot night, with oppressive humidity unrelieved by a refreshing thunderstorm. Even so, being out in the woods is liberating because it provides freedom from the world he left behind. Is that right? If so, that is an emotion that is completely valid and worthwhile.

Finally, don't take any of the preceding as criticism, just a request to get everything that I can and not to miss anything from this latest offering of yours.


*Oh, the crossword puzzle clue. "What can be done to both mountains and fish?"




answer: "Scaled."

[Hawkman]

High Auntie.

Well, firstly Bell-frogs are a species of African frog and are so called because of the noise they make. They don't croak as such, they practically chime. I'm not sure that Bell-frog is a proper name but it is how I have heard them described.

Darkness. A statement really, it's night time. Distance, another statement, the perception of the narrator of his sense of place, his dislocation from the modern, urban environment.

Gunshot logs. I rather liked this line; it refers to the loud cracks and pops burning wood makes. So you seem to have got there by a roundabout route :D (this is like round Britain Quiz :) (radio quiz show for pundits on BBC Radio 4)

I would not say the Narrator is miserable. Rather he is at one with his environment. He feels liberated, hence, "...for I am free."

Basically the poem is a snapshot of an African Safari campsite.

Hope this answers your queries :D

Best, H

[Jerrybaldy]

Unheard
the thunder of the night and no rain falls;
just the beads of sweat upon my brow
to land in dusty craters at my feet.

Instantly seen this in slow motion in my minds eye as each bead exploded into the dust. You are indeed a wordsmith H.

JB

[Hawkman]

Thanks Jerrybaldy,

I wrote it as I saw it, you saw it as I wrote it. Mission accomplished.

Best, H

[AuntShecky]

Thanks so much for the clarification. Now I think it was probably way too inappropriate to ask for this, for asking the poet to " 'splain" himself is a bit like asking a comic to
explain his jokes. Despite that, I'll reply to your replies!


High Auntie.
Not really "high" but if I were, the world would perhaps be a better place.

Well, firstly Bell-frogs are a species of African frog and are so called because of the noise they make. They don't croak as such, they practically chime. I'm not sure that Bell-frog is a proper name but it is how I have heard them described.
That there might actually be a species with that name occurred to me long after I posted this. Yet both my dictionaries (admittedly American and old) only list "bull" frog. Even so, that line of yours is still dynamite.
Darkness. A statement really, it's night time. Distance, another statement, the perception of the narrator of his sense of place, his dislocation from the modern, urban environment.
Got 'cha. The verb (probably some form of "to be" is understood. I think I probably used that in some of my own "stuff."
Gunshot logs. I rather liked this line; it refers to the loud cracks and pops burning wood makes. So you seem to have got there by a roundabout route :D (this is like round Britain Quiz :) (radio quiz show for pundits on BBC Radio 4)
I hear ya. And I think I "get" the line now.I would not say the Narrator is miserable. Rather he is at one with his environment. He feels liberated, hence, "...for I am free."
I did pick up on the "freedom part." But the description of the sweatiness and the darkness made me feel the speaker was a bit uncomfortable.

Basically the poem is a snapshot of an African Safari campsite.

Hope this answers your queries :D

It sure does! Thanks again. And please keep in mind that the majority of the original reply by yours truly ("moi aussi") was a positive, admiring one.

I said it before, I'll say it again: The LitNet was always good, but it became even better when Hawkman arrived on the scene.