3 stories

[joebob]

please delete thread

[hillwalker]

Ok, plot-wise you have 1 really good story, and two rather weaker ones.

No. 1 - I didn't enjoy reading this right from kick-off, perhaps because it might only appeal to teenage boys who like acting dumb for the sake of it. The story-line is non-existent and the dialogue mostly annoying. Perhaps if it was a scene from a longer piece it might merit inclusion, with a little fine-tuning, but as a stand-alone short story it goes nowhere and fails to engage the reader since all the characters are identical cartoon cut-outs and all equally unlikeable.

No. 2 - definitely the stand-out piece. I love the way the reader is forced to eaves-drop on an intimate conversation and has to imagine each response from the other end of the line. I think it has genuine promise - perhaps we should learn more about what the guy who read the same page seven times was actually thinking, being so close to this hot chick while she flirted with her b/f.

No. 3 - again superbly written but the plot needs a little expansion. The reader isn't allowed to believe in the story because there is no ending to it as such - you leave us perched at the top of a precipice with no way down. But as the starting point for a longer story then, yes, I like it. And you write really well, even when the story sucks.

So 2 out of 3, not bad going. And for the record I didn't spot any glaring 'nitpicking grammar' slip-ups, but ignore them at your peril. If your reader distrusts your skill as a writer he will also distrust you as a story-teller.

[joebob]

Ok, plot-wise you have 1 really good story, and two rather weaker ones.

No. 1 - I didn't enjoy reading this right from kick-off, perhaps because it might only appeal to teenage boys who like acting dumb for the sake of it. The story-line is non-existent and the dialogue mostly annoying. Perhaps if it was a scene from a longer piece it might merit inclusion, with a little fine-tuning, but as a stand-alone short story it goes nowhere and fails to engage the reader since all the characters are identical cartoon cut-outs and all equally unlikeable.

No. 2 - definitely the stand-out piece. I love the way the reader is forced to eaves-drop on an intimate conversation and has to imagine each response from the other end of the line. I think it has genuine promise - perhaps we should learn more about what the guy who read the same page seven times was actually thinking, being so close to this hot chick while she flirted with her b/f.

No. 3 - again superbly written but the plot needs a little expansion. The reader isn't allowed to believe in the story because there is no ending to it as such - you leave us perched at the top of a precipice with no way down. But as the starting point for a longer story then, yes, I like it. And you write really well, even when the story sucks.

So 2 out of 3, not bad going. And for the record I didn't spot any glaring 'nitpicking grammar' slip-ups, but ignore them at your peril. If your reader distrusts your skill as a writer he will also distrust you as a story-teller.
thanks. yeah, story 2 was the first i wrote. i didn't even think of writing before that idea. the first one was supposed to be about 9 year olds, but i dunno, i was trying too hard on that piece. and the third one, i was trying to portray alcoholism.

thanks for your comments, this is the first time i've ever shared these stories (or any for that matter) or heard any feedback.