Silent Love, at beach

[TheEarthIsRound]

Let us dance, let
Us dance,
Upon the white sand.
It is night;
Some deep blueness,
Hard to grasp,
Across the sky.
And the tide--
A star twinkles;
The tide brings
Some magnetic
Resonance,
Like a baby
In a cradle--
Back,
And forth,
To---
and fro.
A deep chill.
And breath--
Eyes closed
in the deep depth
Of the mother’s womb
In the original state
Pure, pure without a mind
Loved, Love beyond reason.

My feet receive-
the coolness
From sea’s boundless
And warm love--
Who would not want
Such a mistress?
For the coldness saturates
Me, warmer--
The darkness avails your
Light, hear:
The sound of tide
More tranquil.
Back,
And forth.
To---
and fro.

Many a your lover
Frolic Friskily
Upon, the sand.
Leaving
Many a trail
Many a sunken
Sand hill.
Thus my
Now dancing
With mind’s Ethereal
Riband
Covers up theirs
Upon the soft,
and inviting sand:
I shall sink to
See you every single day.

Let us dance, let
Us dance.
During the silent
Night
Upon the white, white
Sand.
Back and forth;
To----

And Fro

[Hawkman]

I really like the effectiveness of this, THIR but the last 3 words throw me a bit. Flit, I usually associate with someone absconding without paying the rent, as in moonlight flit, and frisk is what coppers do to suspects. Has your N been smoking wacky-backy on the beach? :D

I really do like it though.

Best, H

[Bar22do]

Your poem "whirled me in", TEIR, it worked for me.

I too would have preferred you ended your poem at "to and fro".

In this:

A deep chill.
And breath--
Eyes closed
in the deepness /in the deep end/depth/deep in
Of the mother’s womb
In the original state
(Pure without a mind’s
Pollution--)
Love beyond reason.

it seems to me that you adapted "deepness" to make the reader forefeel the later "darkness" and I thought it wasn't necessary and could be slightly changed (pls see suggested); also, "in the original state" is evident enough not to need "pure without a mind's pollution" - but take or toss, for it's only my perception and I may be very wrong.

On the whole, and as I said, I took a great pleasure in reading this one. Thanks a lot TEIR! Bar

[TheEarthIsRound]

I really like the effectiveness of this, THIR but the last 3 words throw me a bit. Flit, I usually associate with someone absconding without paying the rent, as in moonlight flit, and frisk is what coppers do to suspects. Has your N been smoking wacky-backy on the beach? :D

I really do like it though.

Best, H

Hey Hawkman.

Originally I started with these words because I really liked the sound of it and some dictionary definitions suggested they being synonyms to frolic; I am sorry my ignorance threw you of a bit =) I have altered them a little bit, please see if such a revision improves what you were talking about.

There was no wacky-backy I assure you =) I went to the beach first time at night so I sort of get stimulated by it.

Glad that you like it, thx

Best,

[TheEarthIsRound]

Your poem "whirled me in", TEIR, it worked for me.

I too would have preferred you ended your poem at "to and fro".

In this:

A deep chill.
And breath--
Eyes closed
in the deepness /in the deep end/depth/deep in
Of the mother’s womb
In the original state
(Pure without a mind’s
Pollution--)
Love beyond reason.

it seems to me that you adapted "deepness" to make the reader forefeel the later "darkness" and I thought it wasn't necessary and could be slightly changed (pls see suggested); also, "in the original state" is evident enough not to need "pure without a mind's pollution" - but take or toss, for it's only my perception and I may be very wrong.

On the whole, and as I said, I took a great pleasure in reading this one. Thanks a lot TEIR! Bar


Hi Bar!

Thanks for the suggestion, they are great and useful. For the 'deepness', originally I intended this metaphor to be linked with the subtleness of the sea. I changed it to 'deep depth' because I would like to keep the syllable. But your suggestions have really helped me to think about my poems a little bit, so I would wonder what's your opinion on this alternation?

I'm glad that you like it.

Btw, I don't mean to rush you or anything, but I still am eager to hear about your biblical example =)

Best,

[Bar22do]

Hi Bar!

Thanks for the suggestion, they are great and useful. For the 'deepness', originally I intended this metaphor to be linked with the subtleness of the sea. I changed it to 'deep depth' because I would like to keep the syllable. But your suggestions have really helped me to think about my poems a little bit, so I would wonder what's your opinion on this alternation?

I'm glad that you like it.

Btw, I don't mean to rush you or anything, but I still am eager to hear about your biblical example =)

Best,

Would you be so kind as to remind me about this in three of four days, for I'm traveling and will need some time to settle and adjust (and my memory is playing me tricks, especially at these so busy times). I'm glad my comment was of use! Be very well and please please send me a reminder (also about which biblical example: Lot? - I'll do it gladly asap!) Very best regards - sorry for hurrying - Bar

[TheEarthIsRound]

Would you be so kind as to remind me about this in three of four days, for I'm traveling and will need some time to settle and adjust (and my memory is playing me tricks, especially at these so busy times). I'm glad my comment was of use! Be very well and please please send me a reminder (also about which biblical example: Lot? - I'll do it gladly asap!) Very best regards - sorry for hurrying - Bar


Will do, Bar. Thank you very much! Enjoy your travel =)

[Hawkman]

Hi THIR

Certainly I feel the ending is much improved with your edit. I do like this poem but may I just point out a couple of questionable instances of idiomatic English usage.

"My feet receives-
the coolness..."

this should either be "my foot receives the coolness", or "my feet receive the coolness."

"Many a your lover
Frolic, Frisk
Upon, the sand."

again this could be either, :Many a lover frolics friskily upon the sand." or "Many of your lovers frolic friskily upon the sand."

Lastly,

"For the coldness connects
Me warmer
The darkness avails you
Lighter"

I find this a little impenetrable, so, as I'm not quite sure what you are trying to say, I can't come up with a tidy way to express it.

But apart from these little quibbles I realy like this poem and enjoyed the ebb and flow of its rhythm. Thanks.

H

[TheEarthIsRound]

Hawk:


Thanks for the reminding. I am ashamed that I didn't discover them earlier, please forgive my ignorance =)


Best,