Pick N Mix

[Jerrybaldy]

When I was a kid, I had a pick n mix
It had a white chocolate mouse
tail wrapped around its body
There was no extra chocolate to be had
It cost 10p
but it wasnt 10 items
some of them cost 2p
Shrimps were pink and sweet and foamy
cigarettes had a red end but were candy
everlasting lollies never lived up to their promise
Gobstoppers could go the wrong way and kill
I used to peel chewing gum off the pavement
chew the hard and cold
and make it soft and warm
then remove the tarmac
That didnt cost 10p
It was free.

written in 2 minutes at 2am after 2 bottles of wine

[blank|verse]

Well, I quite liked this one!

The subject certainly struck a chord, Jerry. I have to say though, I never picked gum off the pavement to eat!!

I think what you have here is good but a bit too much of a simple description; you need to try and do something with this - either make it part of a narrative (the 'gum off the pavement' detail says a great deal about your childhood or that of others) or introduce more figurative language - metaphors, similes and the like - to really bring this to life.

And it's always a good idea to reappraise your writing if you've written something 'in 2 mins after 2 bottles of wine' in the cold light of the following day!

[Jerrybaldy]

Thankyou BV. I had given up on getting a reply on this one and never felt it deserved one in the circumstances. It was wriiten as a memory and is probably way too personal in its own way. I think I may be in a minority of people peeling gum off the pavement ! Like the gum it was disposable but thanks again for your response
JB