Persistant Memory

[justice4all]

I stumbled upon a room of time
behind a door I found unlocked.
Light through night, which seemed so long
beckoned me; it felt so right.

I took a step inside the room
and what I saw stole my breath.
For every inch from floor to ceiling,
was time inside its coffin – sleeping.

Time surrounds a tiny box with
lid ajar - it seems to mock.
A faint flutter above my head,
I turned to find it instead.

I found myself in Dali's world,
the melting clocks around me swirled
I twirled until I found the bird,
it perched upon me without a word.

As I left the melted clocks,
persistent memories melted too.
With Hope perched upon my shoulder,
I forgot you.

[justice4all]

Could I get a little feedback on this one? Please.

[Haunted]

I'm usually not into metered rhyming poems but this one works for me. It's nicely written with a rich and sophisticated imagery. I'm confused though, "time inside its coffin" and "Time surrounds a tiny box". Despite that the last line completes the piece. Good job.

[hillwalker]

An interesting poem, revolving around the hallucinating concepts of a Daliesque landscape.
I just found the form distracting - starting off in quite a strict metre which then stumbles (and so lessens the impact)
And I found the closing lines of verses 1, 3 and 4 quite weak. Perhaps a little revision might be in order.

[justice4all]

thank you all for the comments. this is definitely a work in progress. It needs some new eyes for mine have grown tired.