One Afternoon In Elysium

[hillwalker]

ONE AFTERNOON IN ELYSIUM

A satyr and a nymph; we share the same essential cravings yet we are no match.
The feast of one another’s flesh will never satisfy this hunger,
only serve to stir the blood

The pulse itself runs down too hastily,
the fulcrum of our passion tilts, the sheets grow chilled
as does the heart-stop memory we shared

Your eyes already fixed on someone else’s face,
some Scandinavian skin flick 1969,
those two-dimension sentiments, you know the ones I mean

At least I do the honour in the aftermath of waiting
as you dress in subtle slo-mo, foot engaging nylon like a netted fish,
and marvel at the bird-bone architecture of your throat

Then finally I dive beneath the curving bell of earth’s horizon
fathoms from this moment
and the stiff, stiletto dance of cloven heels upon the stairs.


H

[Hawkman]

There are a lot of great moments in this one hill. If there is a weakness I think it's in the third stanza where I lose the sense of the last two lines. I'd also change the last word of the last line to stairs. I feel the bi-syllabic word, staircase, weakens the impact of the line.

But apart from these tiny quibbles I think its really great.

Cheers, H

[PrinceMyshkin]

I do agree with H re stairs vs staircase, and also in his admiration of this poem, studded with so many gems of imagery that I'm reluctant to pick any one out.

[Bar22do]

Thanks for this one, hill.

The poem casts the chill all over... what a heartless nymph!

As for my two pennies, I'd do without "we share the same essential cravings" in L1 thus, as I think, obtaining a better tension. Pls see how it reads:

A satyr and a nymph; yet we are no match.
The feast of one another’s flesh will never satisfy this hunger,
only serve to stir the blood... etc.


And I join the choir in favour of "stairs".

Elysium being a part of the Underworld, should not the N have emerged from beneath the horizon, rather than to dive beneath it? :smile5:

It has been long since you last posted a poem, hill... so it's good to read you again!!

Best regards

Bar

[hillwalker]

Thank you Hawk and Prince - your responses as always welcome, and I can see how 'stairs' fits better.....

And Bar, your observations are as ever worth the effort of posting a poem.

I agree that the first line might read better without the surplus description of their 'cravings' - and your shared preference for 'stairs' has led me to edit the ending.

As for the 'geographical' layout of the Elysian Fields - the original idea behind the poem was the quandry faced by sex addicts (not writing from personal experience, I hasten to add) - those obsessives who suffer from nymphomania and satyriasis.
One would think such a pair might be well suited to each other, yet, of course their appetites would never be satisfied because they constantly crave fresh experience.
So after a romp in 'Paradise' the pair are both destined to make their way down to the deeper recesses of the netherworld of unrequited desire.....
so perhaps, my friend, you are being too harsh on that 'heartless nymph'.

Thanks again, H

[PrinceMyshkin]

I suppose I could Google and read up on these conditions, as I was not aware that

they constantly crave fresh experience.

but if they're driven by this compulsion, isn't what they experience always the same, no matter how diverse the partners, costumes, paraphernalia or positions?

To paraphrase Gertrude Stein: "A f**k is a f**k is a f**k..."

[hillwalker]

I bow to your superior knowledge, Prince..... :-)

I just couldn't imagine a nymph and a satyr having a long, meaningful relationship with each other (I was thinking Tiger Woods, Michael Douglas during their 'wilderness years')

[blank|verse]

An enjoyable poem, hill.

foot engaging nylon like a netted fish,
is my favourite image; and liked 'Scandinavian skin flick' for those guttural 'k' sounds, nicely done.

I found the opening a bit prosey and felt this bit

we share the same essential cravings yet we are no match.
could (should?) be cut - and (sorry to make exactly the same point I make in every post buuuut) it's 'telling', not 'showing' - and showing is what most of the rest of the poem does to great effect. Let the reader work it out for him/herself. The opening stanza could be:

A satyr and a nymph:
the feast of one another’s flesh will
only serve to stir the blood

And, speaking of satyrs, have you read Robin Robertson's brilliant version of Ovid's 'The Flaying of Marsyas' from 'A Painted Field' (1997)? It's worth reading - even better, listening to him read it...

[Bar22do]

[B]

At least I do the honour in the aftermath of waiting
as you... etc [/FONT]

+
"so perhaps, my friend, you are being too harsh on that 'heartless nymph'."

yes perhaps, but the satyr at least has a façade...

P.S. Ah, and just as well I read you weren't writing from your own experience, he he :smilewinkgrin:, dear friend. Be well - Bar

[hillwalker]

Thank you b|v - I will take note of yours and Bar's observation regarding that opening stanza. It's good to have a 'second' opinion tho' before taking the axe out.....

And Bar, you spotted my attempt to paint the satyr in slightly more sympathetic hues - there but for the grace of God, etc. etc.

Thanks again both of you, H