Swimming Between Islands

[lallison]

I smile.

And if parrots eternal.

[PrinceMyshkin]

Although I knew, from the very opening, that I was in safe hands, when I came to

"small island’s disheveled smile"

my attention grew stronger, brighter, and stayed like that all the way through this amazing kaleidoscope. Brilliant!

[Bar22do]

lall, this is exquisite, but it's so late over here, I must first rest and then read it again tomorrow (or rather later this morning) to relate...
but thanks for this first impression that plunged me in the marvels of exotic Nature.... So - till later, be well... Bar

[_Shannon_]

"I know already it"

That threw me off reading. Is the a reason it's not the more familiar "I know it already."? When I re-read it the subsequent few times, I just read it twisted my way so I wouldn't stop there.

I really loved this. I was thinking today while I was swimming how I wish I could write a poem about swimming, but thought it'd just come out too kitschy...and here is this poem---just extraordinary! I kind of wig out swimming in the ocean, and could actually feel my chest tighten at the shark reference. One of my favorite parts of my own personal "adventures" is that sitting and reflecting back on the me, the me who had not yet done what I have now done--looking back at my own, but metaphorical empty bungalow.

[Lumiere]

Opaque emptiness outside,
in my mind,
the oncoming curve of a tiger,
rising, in jagged dome of mouth.

!!!!
I love that.

Ridiculously vivid;
by the end, when from across you saw your deserted hut, I was there.

[Hawkman]

Wow, lall, This is brilliant. You have the gift to paint such vivid pictures in the mind.

Like Shannon though, I was pulled up short by,

“I know already it,” which really needs a tweak. The inverted syntax doesn’t serve any purpose other that to force a repetition of it to match “I see it” It just isn’t necessary.

“shadow
hunting”

I don’t think these two words gain anything by being given lines of their own, they’d work fine being in the same line.

“my stilted hut still”

This line bothers me a little, I’m not sure that you need the ‘still’. in the last stanza you say your “…bungalow. Still there…” so the repetition really makes it superfluous.

Sunlight
breaks with the waves and glitter.

I think glitter should be glitters.

Still there,
deserted,
looking quite deserted from this bank.

I think you could loose the ‘deserted’ in it’s own line here. Even if the repetition of the sentiment is important I feel the repetition of the word weakens the closing line.

But like I said, this is a stunning poem and I thoroughly enjoyed it. Thanks.

Best, H

[hillwalker]

A blissful poem.... and I agree with Hawk on some of the finer tweaks that you might give some consideration to. BUT I did not find 'I know already it' such a stumbling block..... 'it' can be the anticipation, the tilt of the strand line, whatever you wish 'it' to be....

[Bar22do]

I come back only to repeat myself and others: it's a beauty of a poem, with such riches of detail, so real, authentic. You really convey your underwater experience, then the emerging nature of "your" island... Based upon re-reading your poem this morning I've decided to spend a few days in Sinai by the Red Sea this summer! I'm not a diver, but can use a mask and a snorkel...
Your now much spoken of "I know already it" is for me in place and counterpoints "I see it" successfully, plus, more or less as hill said, adds as if a pre-touch of something that unveils in full in the following lines and in between them... Thanks again, lall, for this dynamic vivid description which is also a whole wonderful story with its suspenses and balance... Bar

[hack]

lall,, This is amazing.
This is a great poem.
I can't believe how
good this is.

[shortstoryfan]

Okay. I think this is great. I really think you get line breaks, and have a good sense of rhythm with your line breaks. I have been taught to read line breaks, which is not the norm for most people (meaning to pause at the end of the line) and yours work very well. Extremely well.

I once had a poet tell me that he didn't like words with "-ing" endings because he felt they were less potent than "-ed" endings or other variations. "-ing" tends to take a word (verbs especially) and make them lose some of their power. You might not agree with it...but see where you could replace "-ing" endings with other endings and see what you think. Of course, sometimes they can't be avoided.

I'm also glad you changed the bit about the curtain in the first stanza. I'm not sure you even need to mention the curtain at all...the window mesh is a really great image. But this is certainly an improvement, placing the window mesh first, and tattering the curtain. Good revise.

The second stanza list is also beautifully executed. You've done a great job of breaking it up so it doesn't seem so...listy? Hahaha.

Nice sense of sound.

My only concern is...when you are going to stop posting your poems here and start sending them to little mags to be published. Do it. Do it. Do it.

[qimissung]

I love the title and "wings of an awkward angle..."

I think I grew up between the beginning and the end.

[lallison]

Qimissung, I like that line too I've often felt a bit like an awkward angel, so it seemed to fit. It is a poem of growth and change, isn't it. Thanks for the feedback!

SS Fan, Thanks for the encouragement and for the thought you put into your response. Glad you liked the revision. I know it can use more revising, but this is a start. I was taught to read line breaks the same way that you were, slight pause. I liked your idea about changing the -ing endings on some of the verbs, went back through, and did so in the places where it seemed to work. Your right, it does make a tighter sound. I like the image of the tattered curtain, so I'm going to leave it for now, although I do see your point. The truth is, I've been working on a series of poems which I'm planning to combine into something of a travel guide, I suppose, and this is one of the poems in the series. I think the curtain image will work well when put into that perspective, but I will remain open to slashing with the poetry machete. As far as submitting for publication, i just bought the Poets Market book and am looking at different magazines. I've submitted a few poems but just recently, but heard nothing back as of yet. Honestly, I'm expecting lots of rejection slips. From what I hear, I can expect to receive enough to fill the room with, even if I do manage to publish a few pieces. So, in the mean time, getting encouragement and feedback here is really important to me, and I will continue to be a part of this wonderful poets' circle.

hack You flatter me. Be careful, it will start to go to my head, and that can ruin a writer. : )

Bar I've never been to The Red Sea, but have heard wonderful things about it. Wish I could join you for a swim and sea side beverage! We could frolic in the surf and create some new versus all of our own : )

hill you have a habit of getting to the essence of whatever it is I'm trying to create, and "blissful" is exactly the emotion I'm going for here. I continue with the revising process, thanks! By the way, I've missed seeing you around here!

Hman Your feedback is appreciated! I agree with much of what you said, especially the part about not placing those words on lines of their own. I've always learned that that is typically not a good poetic convention. You'll notice I have taken much of your advice in the latest revision. The main exception being the repetition of "deserted." I have been reading John Berryman's Dream Songs and admire the lyrical yet intoxicated/hallucinogenic voice he has created to relate them with. I was shooting for my own euphoric version of this, which is much more difficult than he makes it seem (always like that with great writers, isn't it). I feel like the repetition here adds to the voice and emotional effect, so I am leaving it for now, but remain open as I continue to revise and morph this into a larger piece. Please continue what your excellent and insightful suggestions. Thanks.

Lumiere I love "Jagged dome of mouth" too! I think of the movie poster from Jaws every time I read that.

Shannon The truth is, "I know already it" was a typo. I caught it with my proofreading after posting, but thought it sounded interesting and added a bit to the voice I was going for, so I just left it (I do that when I accidentally put on two different types of socks too.) In any case, as it threw some people off, I axed it. Your response is appreciated!

PM Thanks, as always, I'm into disheveled smiles!

Terema Kasih
Kup Kum Kup
Kulo Ma La Lap
Arigato Gazimashta
Muchos Gracious
Many Thanks

[justice4all]

Wow. wonderful write here! I enjoyed it from start to finish. The needed revisions I think have either been addressed or fixed. Thank you for sharing!

[lallison]

J4A, thanks for taking the time to read this and for posting such a positive comment. People like you are the reason why I enjoy this forum so much. It's been a great motivator. As far as revisions go, it's a never ending process. The trick is to be sure they make the poem better and not worse. As for this one, still making a few subtle changes. warm regards, lal