Distractible

[_Shannon_]

Distractible

"As he reads, "
you tell me
while listening to
Ted Berrigan,
"he just seems
to be having
such a great time."
And my arms
gesticulate wildly.
"There's a gnat,"
I say
missing it completely
in its smallness.

Then while eating
your burrito
you play a video
calling my attention
to Frank O'Hara's
cigarette unsmoked
which I see
but can't get
"These are the
people who
died, died"
out of my mind
and so miss
the line about
the Impressionists
but do walk away
thinking just how much
I'd like a coke
and a cigarette.

[PrinceMyshkin]

There's something enigmatic.paradoxical and, somehow, of the essence of this poem in

[QUOTE]"There's a gnat,"
I say
missing it completely
in its smallness.[?QUOTE]

What, that is, ordains the smallness of a creature or an event from the larger ones such as, dare I say, the relationship implied between the protagonist and the person she is (half?) listening to?

I love this poem - and may I say, it is the one I predicted recently you were on the verge of writing. And to reverse the slogan about Lay's Potato Chips: "You can't write just one!"

[hack]

Wish I was having a coke with you (and Frank).
Death is relative, you know...peace...

[lallison]

I had trouble with this because it's so fragmented. For me, that took away from catching your drift, so I rewrote it, sorry, hope you don't mind, with fewer line breaks. I found it more coherent with lines lengthened something like this:


"As he reads, " you tell me
while listening to Ted Berrigan,
"he just seems to be having such a great time."
And my arms gesticulate wildly.
"There's a gnat," I say missing it completely
in its smallness.

Then while eating your burrito
you play a video,
calling my attention to Frank O'Hara's cigarette unsmoked
which I see, but can't get
"These are the people who died, died"
out of my mind and so miss
the line about the Impressionists
but do walk away
thinking just how much I'd like a coke
and a cigarette.

hmmm...and even read with fewer line breaks, it still seems disconnected, but the disconnection between the narrator and "me" or "you" seems even more apparent, or maybe coherent. I like that, and I can certainly relate to it. This is a great poem!

[Bar22do]

Your deceitfully "thin" poem urges one to become sensitive to its several, simultaneous layers... powerful in and through its economy... in a way, it's "o'harian" I would say. For it's a snatch of a situation, with broader implications... I think of lall's suggestions, though I still like the form you opted to write in.
I think the "gnat" momentum is masterful!
Thanks a lot for your new one, Shannon, best regards - Bar

[_Shannon_]

I had trouble with this because it's so fragmented. For me, that took away from catching your drift, so I rewrote it, sorry, hope you don't mind, with fewer line breaks. I found it more coherent with lines lengthened something like this:



hmmm...and even read with fewer line breaks, it still seems disconnected, but the disconnection between the narrator and "me" or "you" seems even more apparent, or maybe coherent. I like that, and I can certainly relate to it. This is a great poem!

LOL! I look at your edit and think "I don't write poems that look like that!" :D It's not that I don't on purpose, but they just don't seem to want to be written that way.

It's a weird thing reading a ditty I jotted down, in a different, foreign format. It ends up not sounding like me as I read it....if that makes any sense???? Cool--but weird.

Y'all would probably be so disappointed if I told you the how's and why's of this poem...lol! Prince I don't think this is the One..but maybe the one before the One.

[Hawkman]

I too find that a pillar of words makes for awkward reading so I'm greatful to lall for fleshing it out a bit! :D I know what you mean though, when you say that reading your own work in a format that someone else has imposed on it, makes it look alien. An interesting concept and a nice idea expressed with butterfly precision :D

H