How should story End?

[zoolane]

It was bingo afternoon at local community centre on run down houses estate in central London, cars were banned, set of fire, drug dealers gang round target young members of community and bit gangs warfare on the estate.

Elderly people from newish ground floor flats which is on east side of the estate and next parade of shops. The trouble is that lots young people hangs round outside, lots people, young or old feel very intimidate when go to shop. Youths shouts abuse or pretend to hit or steal property of person going to shop.

In bingo hall, two elderly women's sit opposite each other, swap pens as they wait patiently for full house,on left you have Ruby who is elegant, slender, well manner with white wave hair and on right you have Elsie, who slightly more plain, plump, straight talk, with grey shoulder length hair.

They are old friends who met in countryside in war era, when they were land girls worked on the farmland, well Britain stood up against Hitler. Friends met again after war end by chance at rail station,manage to stay touch, after Ruby's husband died just after war end who was in RAF and Elsie's husband just about survive the war, who was in Navy and died of cancer. Both decide to share flat instead being alone, both ladies enjoy bingo afternoons and trips with OAP Club.

As Ruby and Elsie try watch 'Frost' with David Jason but noise was get loud so much so that Ruby try drowned it out by turn TV up, after while noise level came down, with Ruby was in her arm chair was dark red, with pink flower, Elsie's had same chair but different colour with same pattern and middle of room was 40s style glass table on left there was other cabin with glass ware on shelves, photos of family from war era which each lady had left from previous life and light green carpet also with green on the walls.


Sunny day Elsie decide to take trip to library by bus, she ask Ruby to come to but Ruby declined her friend offer. Elsie wait for number 8 bus on main road, bus came Elsie get on and get off that library, mean while Ruby has visitor, gentleman from the bingo.

Ruby start conversation about when she was land girl, the gentleman name is 'George'.
George was Ex- Soldier about average height, dark blue eyes, white hair with bald patch.
Well manner and always smart dress, normal wear a suit.

George ask Ruby 'what would she do if Elsie did died'.
Ruby said 'I like to live rest of days on Jersey the in channel Islands'.

George casual enquiry about financial situation on how she would manage her dream.
Ruby start to explained how, she slowly move to cabin were there was drawer that bottom, she gentle pull open and get old biscuit tin out and with George look curious and secret take noted on were in it is.
It turn out that Ruby was from old wealth family which in 20s to 50s had quite lots going for them in shares & investment which some sold of but has Ruby inherited from late sister, she keep some for rain day.

About hour when past George make excuses and leave, little after Elsie come in from library with book in large printed.

Elsie ask Ruby 'how was your afternoon?'.
Ruby reply 'in was OK just watch afternoon TV'.



How should story end? Social or Murder or Fraud?

[hillwalker]

You are the story teller so perhaps you have your own ideas.....

Social? Where Ruby and George become friends and perhaps begin a relationship? - no, I don't think so. Not a very exciting story.

Fraud? Where George steals Ruby's savings or gets her to lend it him and he never pays it back? Well, I think that's why you showed us the money in the first place. So that something interesting can happen involving Ruby's nest egg. But it might turn out to be a bit of a cliche, because most readers will have now guessed how the story is going to end.

Murder? Mmm. Is George a murderer? I don't think so.






Personally, to make the story a bit more unusual I would have Ruby and Elsie as two murderers - who lure old men into their homes, and if he's got any money they somehow get it out of him before killing him and disposing of the body..... a bit like 'Thelma and Louise' for OAPs. That's where Ruby got all her money from really.
But that's my dark sense of humour working overtime.

They are your characters, zoo - you probably know already what lies in store for them. I just hope there won't be too much blood spilt.....

Good luck, H

[zoolane]

Thank you H feedback I have work out how story going under veil in it but hope to put few twists in as well. Yes I realise that George as word might over used.

Part II

As Ruby made tea for them both, she secretly give sly little smile to herself about blossom friendship with George, after have Jacket potato with cold slices of beef and salad.
Bingo afternoon again, Elsie sit in chair in cream trouser, pink top with cream sandals,
Elsie called out to Ruby 'hurry up, we going missed the good sandwiches and biscuits'.
Ruby mean while was wear her favourite summer dress, light blue, cotton feel to it with perfect make-up with low heels. Ruby was finally finish so off they go to bingo.

That Community centre, in hall tables were laid in twos, Ruby sat usual place while Elsie Que up
for their favourite sandwiches (tuna salad for Ruby & corn beef salad for Elsie) and tea, Ruby put her elegant black handbag, Elsie over shoulder pink bag on table and were both fishes through them for markers.

George waltz up said 'Hello ladies',
Ruby smile sweet while Elsie wave with hand,George explain that he going to Dr's in minute but he back for 2ND half, but as George waves goodbye, he accidental knock over Ruby handbag with still be open everything spill out across floor, George apology for it and pick up everything but keep back Ruby's keys in hes hand gentle slide he hand into pocket and make hes excuses to leave.

With that done George walking down the street turn right instead left which toward Dr's, he walking up the path to the ladies flat, knock on door, so it seem that he was visiting. He quick glance over both shoulders, to see only teenagers about and lets himself in with Ruby keys.
He heading for old biscuit tin with little notepad, pencil, slide drawer out and ramble through the paper, jotting down name of sharing, investments. George then decide check girls bedrooms, in Ruby's room was Ivory colour sheme he only found only costume jewellery and Elsie's room was plain light green colour scheme, clean but she had chest drawers in corner and so he had closer look that drawer in top, under the clothes was file with Elsie's name wrote across on it in red ink, for second he stare that with curious expression with that he took the file out, perched him on end of chair and open it. He scan the documents one was deeds to the flat he was in, cottage in coutryside and 2ND most importance item was Elsie last will & testament which leave everything to best friend Ruby.

George look that he watch, realize that about time, he put everything back how found it, with hes notepad & pencil in breast inside pocket, gentle close the front door and locked up.
Walking calm back bingo, George sit back down that table with 2 ladies friends, 20 minutes go by, George push chair out with feet casual bent down and pretend to do shoes laces up but place Ruby's keys under in foot. The afternoon draw to close, when everyone start moves about, George kick the keys to away from him.

George ask both ladies 'if I can escort you home', Elsie & Ruby agree.
So all 3 left, George escort the ladies, wonder off further down the street to he flat. Once inside,Geogre going straight for he laptop and he start looking up share index and investment with list from Ruby's paperwork but it wasn't really worth anything. Now Elsie was different, she own 2 properties the flat which she live in with best friend and small cottage in Lincoln shire. Maybe Ruby was worth sweep her off her feet, just to get Elsie or vice verse George couldn't decide what to do with situation.

[hillwalker]

I like where your story is heading.

I think, judging by the number of grammatical mistakes creeping into your story, that you're writing this pretty quickly while it's fresh in your mind. But, I admire your energy - and imagination - and am wondering what will happen next.....

[zoolane]

Yes as usual you right, pretty quick wrote but might slow myself down typed some then going through few times before posting it.
I would be so sure not about way heading but hopeful few surprise down line.

[zoolane]

Part 3

Few days go past, George final solution was to try charming, sweep Ruby of her feet but always be cautious and utmost to please Elsie. Over next few months blossoming romantic was obvious for all about Ruby & George relationship.

Spring afternoon the couple walking through Victoria Park, green leaves on trees sway in gentle warm breeze, hold hands like teenagers and listen to candian geesein pond near water fountain. Elsie meanwhile keep her routine going to library but seem to going more and more, always come with different book, large printed of course. Even Elsie spot the couple while she on the bus and penny drop about Ruby being more up beaten in last few months.

It summer, the couple were walking along the canal, it humid enough doe little smidges and instects to fly an dmove about.

George mention marriage to Ruby.
Ruby said 'yes I would be delight but I can't leave Elsie'
George said 'I will talking to her, when we going Dover'.
Ruby said 'But only if You & I going to solicitor change our wills?'.
George said 'yes I change so you to sole heir'.
Ruby said ' I agree to you sole heir'.

During summer, their string break- ins on estate and mainly OAP that suffered the most it. Nothing was actual take but graffiti over walls and up setting lots on elderly on the estate.

Elsie was that library again when the lady who worked behind desk, came quite as mouse toward her and hand her large brown envelope. Elsie found quite corner, near crime section on left from entrance, open it and information fall out was surprise reading.
She found new book and when to catch bus, later on in evening.
Ruby turn to washing up because Elsie cooked tea.

Elsie said 'good nite to Ruby'.
But the large envelope on Ruby's chair, Ruby finish in kitchen and when sit in her chair. Noticing that their brown large envelop on her chair and picking up.
She start reading it, during reading contents and she decide to get sweet sherry from steel frame drinking trolley. The trolley near the window, as she stood here, she begining to giggles to herself and look out of window, swift rise her glass.

[zoolane]

The noise on estate is get worse, so much so that Ruby & Elsie have trouble sleeping and both when to Doctors to complaining and get sleep tablets.


By now George & Ruby had made arrangements for up come marriage but there was matter of Elsie waiting to be sorted out.
The trip to Dover is planned for end summer with OAP which annual event from community centre.

The trip was today, as usual both ladies were dress in Sunday best, even with hats and picnic with all favourite treats.

George in best tailor suit, steadily walking up to door give swift knock. He brain was tick with dark plan and he was going how execution it.

Ruby gentle finishes putting on fire engine red lipstick and answer door,
Ruby smile agree George with gentle kiss said 'hi'.
Elsie just makes suggest as only you again by rolled your eyes toward Ceil.

Door closes behind them as threesome walking slow casual to centre to catch coach for trip to Dover.

On way all OAP were sangs songs from 40s, tell tales of the adventures, sadly and love stories of war era.

Final the coach arrive that Dover, all OAPS piles out on the tarmac,

Community leader said' meet at White Cliff Dover Cafe which on right at 4pm for tea'.

The OAPs knitted with into they small groups,
Elsie, Ruby and George walked toward to the cliff and George suggest' walk down by the sea, paddle in water'.

Brisk breeze carrying bit sand across the beach, few rocks nearby,look quite dangers if weather was right. As three walking on, ladies began paced slightly slow then George.

Geogre was have moment were strong man physical, were he want to show that still able body man and not OAP.

Elise and Ruby picked up paced, catch ed up with George but waves soar, seagulls are being noise as ever.
'1,2,3 push' both Ruby and Elsie,
Ruby and Elsie stood on the rocks, dusted they hands off, liked both touches something dirty brush off. Geogre lay on rocks with big cut above he left eye and blood pour out over and down he face.
With that George felt himself slip, rocks stared that face as hes fall.

[hillwalker]

I'm glad to see you have edited this from earlier - when I thought I was experiencing deja vu.

The story has taken a grim turn, as expected. Murder amongst the OAP's - not your usual kind of thriller. You are no doubt aware that there are some grammatical errors that make it quite difficult to keep up with the story in places.

Also you continue changing the tense :

- from present tense 'Ruby and Elsie have trouble sleepING' - to past tense 'The trip was today' - to present 'Door closes as threesome....' - then to past again 'Elsie, Ruby and George walked'

It's a case of deciding whether you are going to write it like a history - where everything happened in the past - or in the present tense to make it seem as if it is happening right now as we read it..... then once you decide, try to to stick to the same style throughout (unless you have a definite reason for chopping and changing, which I guess you don't have here).

A good effort, and I like the way you have developed the plot into something a little more sinister. Good luck with it.

[zoolane]

Suddenly waves came crash into the rocks near the ladies feet, the waves slowly withdraw from damp beach, forming small rock pool, where he laid drape over the gray mishaped rocks with silver flicker catch the middle afternoon blaze sunshine.

Ruby pipe up 'we better leave before we are seen down here'
Elise reply 'yes you right has usual'

Both quickly glance round to see if anything being taken out of bag but nothing had being left on damp beach or on mishaped collected of rocks.

As they walked back across the bright yellow sand with touch dark patch from sea, they giggles how easy it being to leave him on rocks and how gullible he had being last few months with hes life and finances. If only people knew Ruby & Elsie are adapt of and had in past.

Both agree that the finances did not really matter it was thrill of draw them in the sole purpose of killed.

Time was about half past three, Ruby & Elsie when to the White Dover Cafe to get their story straight before community leader come and other OAP turn up for tea.


Ruby suggest that 'George when to going pier but I will said stay with you Elsie and we went to see show at picture threatre'.

[hillwalker]

And they drove off into the sunset - a bit like 'Thelma and Louise' but on a community bus :-)

[zoolane]

not yet still twist in tail, just got worked how to tell it.

[zoolane]

As whole OAPs group sitting whispering unusual absent of 'jack the lad' George, the community leader sitting with Elsie and Ruby try deseparate to work out happened, so both ladies tell same story and community leader realizeing that being windy afternoon and get dark then a make suggest that they called police.

Police arriving with 10 minutes of called being made, which quick special by OAPs standard consider now long take them on the estate. Police going over whole afternoon with everyone, individual and suggest all OAPs even coachman who turn up take sit and wait patiently for while.

So search was made of immediate area, as well beach but still no Geogre, both Elsie & Ruby gave odd look to ech other, then police annouce that everybody was allow home. On the coach it was deadly silence and finally their back on the estate, old folks hug and said good byes going home.

After week or so, community leader, local bobby turn up on Ruby doorstep, sheepish Ruby let them in, Elsie sitting in her armchair with one her library.
Ruby take sit in her comfortable armchair, now hold on the Elsie hand tightly.
Community leader bend down to ladies level.

Local bobby mouth opened words come said ' that find someone match description of George, personal items which like for you have look please'

Ruby nodd so hes take out clear bag with personal which did belong to him,
She tearful said' that I will not going see him, please can you doing Mary?'

Bobby pipe up and said ' that in not impossible due to amount damage, the rocks have done to hes body'.

As the two visitors left, both Ruby & Elsie fell into armchairs with hysterics, then cooly calmer decide have tea, then came subject of funeral, which natural decide have it quick as they can.

Month pass, everthing was back normal, Elsie manage to come off the sleeping tablets but poor old Ruby is find more diffcult to do and noise estate is still quite loud.

Christmas was on way, Elsie loves to going visit Isle of Wright, but Ruby like stay in one place. Elsie is getting very nervous and begging Ruby change her mind but Ruby refused.

Elsie faked being unwell, on bingo afternoon, so Ruby take herself and with Ruby way Elsie grind the few sleep tablets, that she hidden away and put them into Ruby sweet sherry she has on night before bed.

[hillwalker]

Mhmm.... the sherrys not so sweet then.

Am I to assume that Elsie is now going to murder Ruby? or is she about to poison herself as well - an OAP suicide pact betwen the pair of them?

[zoolane]

The cause death which state on Ruby’s cert said she died from an accidental overdose of sleeping tablets. Now Elsie lived on the Isle of Wright and very summer her grandson comes visit with has family.

[kittypaws]

zoo...just soyou know I have been following you (your write that is) all the way.

And it is very consuming!

Good read!!

kittypaws

[zoolane]

zoo...just soyou know I have been following you (your write that is) all the way.

And it is very consuming!

Good read!!

kittypaws

Thank you for your comment and praise Kittypaws.
Zoo

[LongBlade]

Nice story, but need to brush up more and make it more interesting. Good job! :iagree: