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View Full Version : House revisited



zoolane
07-01-2010, 02:06 PM
Air mystery surround the house, on more closer look it was run down, half falling down 2 storey house with broken windows and finally the front door was hang by one rusty old hinge with just enough direction of wind it would quite is fall off the hinge.

As I creep down the path, through over grown garden, I glance up that the 2 floor window and notice shadow move across the glass which still in frame. I stop to think whether should carry on with my request to see if this house was worth saved.

I march up to the front door, give loud knock to see if anyone here but instead I heard scurrying or maybe footsteps up above and yet no answer. I take deep breath, put brave face but stern look my face, to the left I see the stairs some had holes in it. I put best foot forward as phrase go, start to climb the stairs and hold on tight to rail which was only thing in tact.

1st bedroom had lavender on walls, smell mould, the carpet which wore way near door got wet from roof leaking. Out corner of eye I saw little twitch of sort, I move slow to look behind old vanity table which to surprise I find skeleton with brown sparrow, who instant flew out of broke window. I have good look round in lavender room, get strange sense that something is as it should be and breeze rush past me and I get chill also in corner to my right there seem to be discolour bathrobe, distinctive look like it was orange that one point in it lifetime.

Start my only mini investigation in the house, I wonder to next bedroom which has dark pink walls, medium pink carpet but on opposite wall to the door there seem fingers print shapes in dark red, on more inspection I soon discovered that in dry blood in lead to the door.

Backed away from droplets of red liquid on the wall, suddenly the rail was against my body, move ever closer to bathroom.

Bathroom wall were light green colour with cream flooring by now it look like slaughter's work shop with water mixing with blood very shallow in bath still but down size of bath, blood spill over edge on the floor, spa-ting up the wall toward the ceiling, under sink there was rusting old kitchen knife, catch sun rays through the hole in roof.

With that I turn round ran fast as feet with carrying before they giving away down stairs past the front door which now on porch.
After giving some thought that I would purchase this house for own family but never tell them now I got it so cheap.

hillwalker
07-01-2010, 02:28 PM
What a story! - a combination of 'Homes Under the Hammer' and the 'Twilight Zone'. Great stuff.

theepicwinner
07-04-2010, 06:54 AM
Your sentences are disjointed and way too long, there's lots of spelling errors and you're mixing tenses.

zoolane
07-04-2010, 08:49 AM
Yeah I know, so some forum members know as well and whatare you try said that should be allow on this site? Just because my grammer not perfect.

theepicwinner
07-04-2010, 09:13 AM
If you're not willing to take criticism of your work then why are you posting it?
No need to bite my head off, I was only trying to help.

zoolane
07-04-2010, 10:15 AM
I didn't bite your head off, what I said is know all own faults and maybe if you put in slightly different way. I would answer not so sharp manner.

theepicwinner
07-04-2010, 11:07 AM
My suggestions contained no attitute whatsoever. I simply pointed out some things I thought were wrong, and you said:


whatare you try said that should be allow on this site?

...which was jumping the gun, I think. And if you know all your own faults then why are you posting work like this? If you know all your own faults surely you'd be doing something to improve instead of posting your work in its current state.

I can't think of a more direct manner in which to critique someone's work. If you're going to be this picky you'll never improve.

zoolane
07-04-2010, 12:44 PM
Just because my work is up to everyone or your high standard, shouldn't mean that I should still right to posted stories or poems on this site. O my way I can criticism and I had lots on this site.

Hope in near future I will be sort this problem.

http://www.dyslexiaonline.com/famous/famous.htm

theepicwinner
07-04-2010, 01:32 PM
So you're posting a link to some dyslexia website to make me feel bad for my criticism, even though I didn't know you were dyslexic?

Nevermind. I won't comment on your work from now on.

zoolane
07-04-2010, 04:22 PM
I am sorry that took your comments wrong contexts and please feel comments on thread that I started.