The best of stand-up one-liners

[DocHeart]

My wife says to me, honey, for our anniversary, I'd like to go somewhere I've never been before.

I says to her, try the kitchen.

Henny Youngman

[antiprefix]

I'm a poet and I didn't even realize I was

[jaredalynch]

I poured spot remover on my dog. Now he's gone.
-Steven Wright

[Delta40]

Before you criticize someone, you should walk a mile in their shoes. That way, when you criticize them, you're a mile away and you have their shoes.