Ceadar Mountain

[lallison]

stench thick air.

[Hawkman]

This is brilliant lall, keenly observational and as always with you work, utterly evocative. Nice one. One suggestion though;

"...terrain at the trails edges," might perhaps be better as ...trail's edge, as pluralising edge adds an unstressed syllable and weakens the line ending.

Best, H

[PrinceMyshkin]

Typo in 1:6

Otherwise this is so effortlessly (?) gripping and vivid.

[Bar22do]

"Vivid" is an understatement! it's so real and frightening, lallison (it could be a scence from a horror movie!). Very good, as yours often are.

"a hole crawled through its belly" - what a great image!

thanks for this blood-chilling piece of adventure.

Best regards - Bar

[lallison]

Hawk, Prince, Bar:thanks all of you. I have made all the corrections you suggested, which were much appreciated. I am visiting with my mother and step-father now and have been digging through some of my old poetry notebooks. This poem is actually one of the few that I have had published. I wrote it after the encounter took place on a hiking trip I took in college on the Georgia segment of the Appalachian trail. After submitting this to an Atlanta arts magazine called Poets, Artists, and Madmen; it's the the sort of monthly newspaper you can pick up for free on the city corners that have some interesting articles and all the happenings around the city for that month. Anyhow, they published it way back when, which made me feel pretty good. Thanks for the complements,a s always, and yes, Bar, it is a bit horrific, isn't it.

[shortstoryfan]

I really appreciate the way you are using rhymes in this in a more sophisticated way than many people would. I also really enjoy the line "A stream of flies spewed from the stomach up" because I think ending that line with up is a really great use of enjambment, because of the half-meaning that is created at the end of the line, and its resolution as the sentence continues. I got the image at the end of the line of you throwing up flies...which is awesome.

[lallison]

Thanks again ssfan, I always appreciate your comments. Listening to someone else explain how they experienced a poem is always one of the most helpful things to me as both a writer and reader. The spewing up flies is the effect I was hoping for, so I'm glad it came across. Frightening what happens to dead things, isn't it.