Following Julio

[Bar22do]

He’d infuse papaya leaves
for breakfast. Was inspired
by a tiny sloop heading for the ocean end,
an oval of a passion fruit and
naturalmente by his tawny Mia, cello-shaped.
Julio indulged seco Frasquiera -
would lift up his glass as if it held ambrosia.
Ecstatic, he heard black pebbles
on the beach, jostling,
or ancient volcanic rumors, ear to earth.
A maze of little stories inevitably led
to his birth floating orchards.

Death in Eden is a déjà vu and softer:
he fled on a slender wineglass stem
reaching for the unknown sky end, above Madeira.

Over dark-iodine Colheita
now Mia and friends probe the redness of this huge eye
ritually closing beneath the water lid
and carefully ignore as if a light breeze
rustling their own end of Eden time.

[Lumiere]

Lisboa must be good for your poetry organ;
this is beautiful.
I've been reading Octavio Paz, and the patient lushes of your words reminds me a bit of that;
poetry that fills you up!
Nabokov referred to this feeling as the "sob in the spine".
Thanks for the feeling.

[Hawkman]

Wine and poetry are good bedfellows and mutually enriching. I feel as though you have indeed left a kiss within the cup.

I really loved this:

"Ecstatic
he heard black pebbles on the beach
jostling, or
ancient volcanic rumors, ear to earth."

I think this is a marvellous poem, Bar with its bouquet of rich language and soft nods to memory with a more than a hint of reflection to give it colour and body. Most stimulating to the palate.

So thanks for enriching my morning, but I mustn't over indulge before the sun is over the yard-arm...

Live and be well. H

PS. You might consider swapping schooner for sloop, as it is both a ship and a glass used for drinking Port. Just a thought. H

[Bar22do]

Lumière, how I love Octavio Paz... !! I cherish your appreciation of my poem... thanks!
Hawkman, thanks for commenting; "schooner" sounds like a beer glass more than porto... but perhaps I just don't feel the word and you might be right, thanks for suggesting... (oh, and what you say is that a kiss floating in porto is the secret of ambrosia..., very interesting..)

Be well, Bar

[hack]

It is beautiful and dreamlike
and heartbreaking.

[qimissung]

The language you use in this is indeed like a dark, rich wine, and you use it to such good effect. A toast, to you and to julio, wherever he may be.

[Bar22do]

Thanks a lot hack and qim..., lumière, that "sob in the spine" is somewhere an immodest objective (for next life or so... :smile5:), but one has to be a Nabokov, or a... Pastan to hope to achieve such level of writing... thank you all the same, my "artist-readers"... Bar

[lallison]

This is exquisite! The powerful visions and sounds emanating out of your poem are magnificent. To me it speaks of the richness and beauty that life has to offer to those who are willing to go out and find it. When I read this, I see blue oceans and lush volcanoes steaming above it. It makes me homesick for the place I've just left and hungry for more tropical fruits. You inspire with your work. Your poetic talent is clear, blue and translucently apparent. Thanks for giving the joy I felt in reading.

[cogs]

"he fled on a slender wineglass stem" was a line i understood and liked. i guess he narrowly escaped. which reminds me of michael franks' 'look at me i'm a refugee from the island life' (music).

[Bar22do]

lallison thanks a lot for your kind words; this poem describes lust for life's beauty, refinement and creative inspiration in a place where death itself (over which the sun cries none the less) is easier to bear...

cogs, going in this fashion is indeed a way to escape, gracefully. I'm happy you loved "the slender stem"... and thanks for reading

very best to both of you - Bar

[blank|verse]

There are some very nice moments in this, Bar; it's a poem which takes on the biggest issue of all and is quietly successful in its ambitions, with its subtext of carpe diem or memento mori.

The first stanza has some wonderful imagery but is a bit bumpy to read. I'm not too keen on the exclamation mark at the end of the first sentence, it feels like it's trying too hard to make an impression which can just be left to the words themselves. I think it comes down to our old friends 'show and tell' - saying he was 'embracing life' and 'ecstatic' fall into the latter category and I feel the poem would be improved if they were left out. Just listing Julio's wonderfully-drawn characteristics is enough, I feel, and where the strengths of the poem lie.

I'm not really sure what to make of 'birth floating orchards', to be honest, but it does pre-figure the 'death in Eden' image and stanza, which itself is emotionally restrained in its concision and works well, particularly

Death in Eden is a déjà vu and softer:
which makes a powerfully confused kind of sense.

I think it's worth contrasting the first and final stanzas, where you just 'show' the mourning friends rather than 'telling' how they're feeling. (I'm not sure about them 'ignoring' the wind, though, it suggests they're doing this deliberately, where I think it would work better if no connection was made between them.)

Anyway, the end is quite sinister, imbuing the wind with a destructive power, but subtely suggesting death is part of nature, without being too obvious about it. Similar to another poem posted here, it reminds me of 'Wind' (http://www.poetryarchive.org/poetryarchive/singlePoem.do?poemId=5577) by James Fenton. (And also the 'ancient volcanic rumors' line; and the 'ear to earth' image - I loved this, as it provides one of those wonderful moments in poetry when the reader is forced to stop and look with fresh eyes at otherwise prosaic, commonplace words. Nicely done.) It's also nicely structured - starting with breakfast and ending at sunset.

Excellent poem, Bar.
b|v

[Bar22do]

B/V thanks for showing up and thus proving you are still around a bit, even if busy... Thanks for your thorough devoted critique of my poem, as for your appreciating it, at least in parts! I can imagine how busy you are, hence my intensified feeling of gratitude for your time and reflection around my effort. Carpe diem and memento mori underlie my poem indeed, you felt it so right. As you noticed the intended structure going from morning to death, I mean - night...

It's so late now, I really have to go to rest, but will give a careful attention to your comment and since I still consider my piece a mere draft, I'll ponder how to improve it, also/especially in the light of your reading it. Many many thanks, B/V, and I hope you're getting your own things done! Thanks for caring - and best regards - Bar

[Bar22do]

Ah, B/V, thanks also for James Fenton, I confess I didn't know his poetry, but will look for now... best - Bar

[_Shannon_]

This is one of those that I have no idea what it's about (I missed all the carpe diemness and all that stuff everyone else sees, lol! I'm distractible, what can I say? ;P)---but my word, I feel like I was just whispered to before bed, with great love, before being tucked in for the night. I love it!

[Bar22do]

Shannon, Shannon, my humble, sincere, embarrassed apologies...!!!!! I haven't seen your comment till now!
What a pleasure to read that you found in my poem a melody to lull you into sleep! and that you loved it with such a spontaneity. Thank you.

In the meantime, the melody changed a bit, I reflected on different comments, mainly on B/V's perceptive critique, and here is the result/revision, if you or anyone else cared to read, below.

Be very well, Shannon, your contribution on this site is greatly appreciated, as is your confident poetic word! Bar

Following Julio

Papaya peels to start the day was his rule.
Inspired by a sloop heading for the ocean end,
an oval of a passion fruit and naturalmente
by his tawny Mia, cello-shaped,

he'd hear black pebbles on the beach jostling
or ancient volcanic rumors, ear to earth.

Julio indulged seco Frasquiera
his glass clinking as if with comrade gods’.
He gold-nibbed dainty ambiences
of the island “floating orchards”.

Death in Eden is a déjà vu and softer:
he fled on a slender wineglass stem
towards the unknown sky end, above Madeira.

Over dark-iodine Colheita, now Mia and friends
probe the redness of this huge eye
ritually hooded beneath the water lid,
a light breeze rustling their own end of Eden time.

[hack]

Bar, this is even better.
It is a wonderful piece.

[Bar22do]

You're too generous, hack, thank you. But I'll still work on this poem (as I endlessly do on my others...), am never satisfied...
"Fais tout bien", as says a good friend of mine.
Warm regards - Bar

[blank|verse]

Yeah, I think this improves on the first version, Bar.

I think the newly-introduced rhyme in the first two lines is a bit unfortunate (or unnecessary if intended), and I would be tempted to put 'the' before both 'mouth' and 'stomach' in the quote. I'm not sure I like the sloop 'designing' the ocean end, it suggests engineering and construction sites too much; 'desiring' would make more sense, but I see what you mean.

Also, I find this bit throws me around too much from domestic fruit - to the end of the earth - back to domestic fruit - to the beach; I suppose it reflects the chaotic personality of Julio, but maybe this section could be reworked so it finds its way from the domestic to the end of the earth more naturally, and flows more easily. 'Papaya' is such a great word to start with, though.

There are some great moments in this and a true sentiment behind it, so I think that you're right to keep going, Bar.

Best,
b|v

[Bar22do]

And I do, B/V. No, the rhyme wasn't intended, you made me aware it "happened". Thanks for your support again, I often think there is no end to revisions... so here is the "final" (till the next :smilewinkgrin:, but I'll give it a respite), closer to the original than to the last version, after all.
Thanks to all, and Hawk, too: what would become of me without your unobtrusive, insightful suggestions (though I retained my "end")...!

(you don't need to comment again, especially as this may undergo further changes!, I just confide this revise here to keep record)

Following Julio

He’d infuse papaya leaves for breakfast.
Was inspired by a tiny sloop heading for the ocean end,
an oval of a passion fruit and naturalmente,
by his tawny Mia, cello-shaped.

Julio indulged seco Frasquiera -
would lift up his glass as if it held ambrosia.
He heard black pebbles on the beach, jostling
or ancient volcanic rumours, ear to earth.

His maze of little stories still resounds
the praise of the island's “floating orchards”*.

Death in Eden is a déjà vu and softer:
he fled on a slender wineglass stem,
reaching for the unknown sky end, above Madeira.

Over dark-iodine Colheita
Mia and friends now probe
the redness of this huge eye
ritually hooded beneath the watery lid

a light breeze rustling their own end of Eden time.

* one of the ways to call Madeira where Julio was born and lived.

[Hawkman]

Hi Bar, I know you weren't looking for further comments at this time but I think you should know that 'make sail' is wrong idomatically. One does not make sail unless one is a sail maker, who generally have calloused hands, drink lots of beer and work in sheds :D

The expression should be, 'set sail'. You could say sailed, but it doesn't quite fit your poem. Good night, Bar.

Your weary, ex-sailor, Hawk.

[lallison]

I still love the original best. I'm the same way when it comes to cheesecake.

[blank|verse]

Yeah, this is getting better, Bar, I'm liking it more when it reads more smoothly and you (sorry, the reader!) can concentrate more on what's being said and the 'art' is diguised.

Some little points still, though (!):
1. I think a semi-colon at the end of the first line would be better, not a full-stop.
2. This bit

His maze of little stories yet resound
the praise of the island's “floating orchards”*.
doesn't read well - it's missing something grammatically.
3. I think you can remove 'now' from this line:

Mia and friends now probe
4. Just as a general point, I think I prefer the style of the second stanza, where each point is dwelt on slightly longer and given two lines, rather than those in the first stanza; it seems more fitting to the poem's tone of remembrance.

Best wishes,
b|v

[qimissung]

I'm with you lal, although I have to say, Bar, your tireless efforts at revision are deeply impressive.

[Bar22do]

Thank you Hawk, lall, b/v and qim! It looks as if I think too much aloud... when I (and my thoughts) settle down again, I may decide on FJ's final version... I'm grateful to you all for your comments, assistance and for loving my imperfect first draft...
I feel I rest protected on the quiet lake of your lenience!

Be well - Bar