Checkmate

[Oliver Pockets]

The first paragraph of the first chapter. Let me know if you think its any good. Wether it draws you in... all that good stuff.


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Within the dilapidated stone building Abraham woke, his face stiff with the stupidness of sleep. Through tired eyes he viewed the vast plain stretching out before him, it had been given the epithet "the great nothingness" by traveling men of the past. Abe viewed the plain only as a barrier between himself and the end he sought after. This road he roamed was long; long and mind-numbingly wearisome, it had been perforated by unforeseeable moments of uncomfortable violence, swiftly coming and going. Here in the quiet recess of the hulking stone complex the silence was about to be disturbed by one such uncomfortably violent episode. Two days ago Abraham had seen the massive stone structure from the edge of the great plain. He warily approached the site, the trek had taken a full day.

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Feel free to give critical input.

[Steven Hunley]

Maybe.

[hillwalker]

Maybe not - if this is the opening I fear the reader is in for a 'long; long and mind-numbingly wearisome,' time of it.

Your opening should be like an attractive bait to lure the reader - this is just too ponderous; concentrating on the vastness of the plain and the journey he has to take. The reader hasn't arrived at that point where the story takes off - he's still in the departure lounge contemplating changing flights.

You obviously have an exciting tale to tell - so grab the reader by the scruff od the neck in this opening pragraph at least. Give him a reason to continue reading.

I'm being harsh - but most readers won't even give you any response. They'll just move on. If that 'violent episode' is as important as you suggest, make that your starting point. You don't have to spill all the beans in this first chapter - but you have to tweak the reader's curiosity.

It has potential - but you seriously need to reconsider your opening strategy.

H

[giventofly]

Genearally speaking, I would say that you don't want to start a novel with drawn-out, descriptive prose. Starting it with an action can have a much larger impact. Obviously, these are not hard and fast rules, but you need something to pique the reader's interest... and descriptive prose doesn't usually cut it. This is not a bad paragraph, by any means. It's just not a very good first one for a novel. You could probably get away with it in a short story, because it's not as much of a commitment on the reader's part. But a novel needs more impact in the first chapter.