Scars-My first poem on this site

[danapooh]

The scars are but a memory...
Reminders of every slice which led to a sting
Which makes you remember everything
The blood that flowed but eventually slowed
Scabs formed but were clawed away
Only to form another day
But only to be taken away ultimately
Then some day a dash is left
From a blade that never left
The wound is there, it didn't tare
Now you'll see it everywhere
A change of mind, you'll see nothing any more
For the attempt was a success
And now you see black,
As you realize that this was all wack!
You regret, But not for long because now your gone!

[Jesterhead]

This is very dark and makes me think of a cutter attempting suicide, It is alittle rough on the language.

And now you see black,
As you realize that this was all wack!

the rhyming here seems forced and out of context.

But with a little work this could be a great poem.

[hillwalker]

I agree with Jester - that line ending '...all a wack' is clumsy and destroys the chilling mood you created in the rest of the poem.
There are some good lines here - some vivid imagery. Just rearrange that 'wack' line - and perhaps the final line is an awkward way to tie up the ideas also.

But with a little reworking it can be a very powerful piece

H

[danapooh]

So, any suggestion on how to end this? Because I have no clue on how to end this...

[krymsonkyng]

Don't be afraid to break rhyme for the last lines. If you need impact a strong word or two and a break in the poem's pattern may be what you're looking for. Or cut the second to last line out and see how it sounds.

[hillwalker]

Don't be afraid to break rhyme for the last lines. If you need impact a strong word or two and a break in the poem's pattern may be what you're looking for. Or cut the second to last line out and see how it sounds.

As Krymson says, forget about rhyme and ditch that next to last line. With a bit of tinkering this is my suggestion, but I'm sure you can come up with your own change:

The wound is there, it didn't tear
Now you'll see it everywhere
A change of mind, you'll see nothing any more
For the attempt was a success
Now you see black,
And you regret,
But not for long now that you're gone!

H