Charred

[Zhu]

Hello, I'm new here and I haven't written anything for a while. I found this poem, which I wrote a few years ago. I've never been serious about poetry, but now I'm beginning to see how powerful a poem can really be. Anyway, I'm looking forward to reading your criticism. Please, don't hold back...


You ask me how I can afford to burn all these bridges
And I whisper: from their ashes I get my riches
And rightfully you protest that I refuse to invest
In anything but unrest
I shake off your words like a pine tree snow
I don’t look back, light the match and go
Somewhere down the road I’ll look back
And find all I once had charred black

[hillwalker]

Some striking images here - and I like some of the ideas behind your lines.

But some of the wording doesn't read true - as if you have tried to force it to fit in with the structure of the rhyme.

If you could rewrite this with the same ideas laid out in a language closer to the way you might speak them, and forget for now about rhythm or rhyme, you might finish up with a much more accomplished piece.

For example, that final line is a powerful one - but needs to be put more clearly :

And find all I once had now (or is now) charred black

H

[PrinceMyshkin]

Although I admired the deftness of this and didn't agree with HW that some of the language did not ring true, I had a bit of a problem with the last line, which seemed to me a bit too matter-of-fact, i.e., it left me guessing whether you anticipated regretting the irretrievabilty of what you'd burned to ash, as I assumed you might, but there was no hint I could discern about your regretfulness.

(And, an irrelevant and possibly impertinent question, but why do you identify yourself as a "drug user" in your signature. Is it some sort of boast?)

[Zhu]

Thanks for the comments hillwalker and PrinceMyshkin!

Hillwalker, I think I may have written this poem with the intention of writing something that rhymes. I read it again and indeed the final line reads a lot better with now or is now added.

English isn't my native language so it isn't always easy to write idiomatically. But yes, I think I'll try to rewrite it without paying attention to rhyme or rhythm and see what I can come up with.

PrinceMyshkin, that's a very good observation. I'll definitely keep that in mind when (or if) I rewrite it.

And as for your "impertinent" question... I am a drug user. You can call it a boast, but I'd say it's simply a statement or a joke. Or perhaps both. I'm a ardent advocate of the decriminalisation and legalisation of marijuana, though. I do not advocate drug use. I'd like to see accurate information about marijuana (and drugs in general) made available to everyone. It's unbelievable how much erroneous, incomplete or misleading information is out there. On both sides of the fence.

Anyway, I can change it if you want.

Peace & Love,

Zhu

[RaoulDuke]

I can imagine this poem as some belting lyrics set to a punk/hardcore song. That's not to belittle it in anyway, I simply think some of the words presented and images conjured by it would fit very well with the genre. I particularly liked the opening couplet, they also happened to remind me of a good song (perhaps I have music on the brain at the moment?)

But Zhu, in regard to your opening statement - never approach poetry "seriously", you won't get very far!

[hillwalker]

Zhu - if you are happy with your on-line title, leave it.

Poetry is as addictive as some drugs in my experience anyway.

[PrinceMyshkin]

And as for your "impertinent" question... I am a drug user. You can call it a boast, but I'd say it's simply a statement or a joke. Or perhaps both. I'm a ardent advocate of the decriminalisation and legalisation of marijuana, though. I do not advocate drug use. I'd like to see accurate information about marijuana (and drugs in general) made available to everyone. It's unbelievable how much erroneous, incomplete or misleading information is out there. On both sides of the fence.

Anyway, I can change it if you want.

Peace & Love,

Zhu

Absolutely you MUST NOT change it on my behalf! But you had a small space in which to introduce or define yourself and that was the only thing you chose to mention among the many, many characteristics that might equally or better define yourself. None of this is meant as judgment on you for your use of drugs...

[PrinceMyshkin]

Zhu - if you are happy with your on-line title, leave it.

Poetry is as addictive as some drugs in my experience anyway.

Indeed, but speaking of taboos, how is it that Nevada has legalized gambling and prostitution, but they have yet to legalize poetry?

[hillwalker]

Indeed, but speaking of taboos, how is it that Nevada has legalized gambling and prostitution, but they have yet to legalize poetry?

Oh, poetry can corrupt so many minds, Prince, and cause such irreparable damage to the heart as you are well aware - presumably that's why you need a licence to participate!!!

[Zhu]

I can imagine this poem as some belting lyrics set to a punk/hardcore song. That's not to belittle it in anyway, I simply think some of the words presented and images conjured by it would fit very well with the genre. I particularly liked the opening couplet, they also happened to remind me of a good song (perhaps I have music on the brain at the moment?)

But Zhu, in regard to your opening statement - never approach poetry "seriously", you won't get very far!

Thanks for the tip!

[Zhu]

Absolutely you MUST NOT change it on my behalf! But you had a small space in which to introduce or define yourself and that was the only thing you chose to mention among the many, many characteristics that might equally or better define yourself. None of this is meant as judgment on you for your use of drugs...

It's exceedingly difficult to define a person in a space so small. I had indeed many characteristics to choose from. Not any one of them could ever define me. One bit of information is as important as the next, one trait only makes sense in relation to another... A different term only sends the imagination in another direction.

Oh, and I didn't read it as a judgment. I could have opted for 'ataraxia' to fill that small space.

Cheers,

Zhu

[PrinceMyshkin]

But Zhu, in regard to your opening statement - never approach poetry "seriously", you won't get very far!

Does that statement apply equally to life? because to some of us the two are virtually synonymous!

[RaoulDuke]

Absolutely. I'm reminded here of the famous Brendan Gill quote: "Not a shred of evidence exists in favour of the idea that life is serious."

[hack]

I live in Nevada. Poetry is not technically illegal here,
although it is frowned upon. Look Ma, no hand(cuff)s!
Welcome Zhu, smoke 'em if you've got 'em.
...peace...

[PrinceMyshkin]

Absolutely. I'm reminded here of the famous Brendan Gill quote: "Not a shred of evidence exists in favour of the idea that life is serious."

And then there's Lilly Tomlin's brilliant line: "Reality is just a collective hunch."

[PrinceMyshkin]

I live in Nevada. Poetry is not technically illegal here,
although it is frowned upon. Look Ma, no hand(cuff)s!
Welcome Zhu, smoke 'em if you've got 'em.
...peace...

And smoke 'em anyway, even if you don't got 'em.