Brainless Beauty

[demonic790]

I got much help from Hawkman on this poem. He helped make corrections to the poem to help it flow and sound much better and I have to thank him for that.

Brainless Beauty

By: Sean Laird

Sitting at a bistro,
I grin at the sight of a bird
Blithely flapping her wings.
Feathers dark and bold
In the shape of crescent moons.
They mirror the painted echoes
Of her elegantly woven voice.
She flies diligently
Beneath the radiant and mysterious sun,
Composing a luminous eclipse.

I am astray.

She looks up, knowingly, to the skies
And then back down.
Does she not recognize the potential of her wings?
Evermore, she has the choice
To escape the prison of the clouds
And catch a glimpse of heaven,
Yet rejects it.
Perhaps one may assume
That she does not know what lies above the skies,
But rather that which lies against the Earth.

One day
She will realize her destiny
And escape from her boundaries
To witness the Almighty,
And possibly separate the gasses
That are chained in the azure
Giving us, too, a glance
At our paradise.
But for right now
Her brainless beauty
Is eternal...

[hillwalker]

A beautiful poem, well-constructed and filled with elegant imagery.

If I may just suggest one very minor change - the word 'importance' at the end of line 2 verse 3 to me doesn't sound quite right. Perhaps 'glory' or 'potential' would be more fitting ('importance' is such a bureaucratic sounding word for something as delicate as the subject of your poem).

Just a thought - and as always you have my permission to discard it.

[Hawkman]

Brainless Beauty

Sitting at a bistro,
I grin at the sight of a bird
Blithely flapping her wings.
Feathers dark and bold
In the shape of crescent moons
Glimmering brightly by the tips of her sharp claws.*
They mirror the painted echoes
Of her elegantly woven voice.
She flies diligently
Beneath the radiant and mysterious sun,
Composing a luminous eclipse.

I am astray.

She looks up, knowingly, to the skies
And looks** back down.
Does she not recognize the potential of her wings?
Evermore, she has the choice
To escape from*** the prison of the clouds
And catch a glimpse of heaven,
Yet rejects it.
Perhaps one may assume
That she does not know what lies above the skies,
But rather that which lies against the Earth.

One day
She will realize her importance****
And escape from her boundaries
To witness the Almighty,
And possibly separate the gasses
That lay***** chained in the azure
Giving us, to******, a glance
At our paradise.
But for right now
Her brainless beauty
Is eternal...

Hi Demonic790

Just a few notes on this very good poem.

* I still don't think you need this line, it puts a break on the flow and as I said before, although it's a good line, it dosen't belong here. Save it for another poem :)

** This is the second looks in as many lines. I suggest replacing it with, 'then.'

*** You don't need 'from' here, 'escape the prison of the clouds' is fine.

**** I agree with hill, importance is the wrong word here, try destiny.

***** Lay is gramatically incorrect. in this context you have instigated a tense change. You are talking about what might be, not what was, so change it to lie. better still, replace it with, 'are'

****** Should this be 'too' ?

It's a great poem and I love what you have done with the ending.

Best - H

[Delta40]

well I am a poor critic but I liked this very much and it reminded me of the teenage daughter and their desire for freedom and perpetual feelings of imprisonment within themselves. On the other hand, it is probably and very nice poem about a bird!

[demonic790]

Revised version has been posted.

@Hill
Thank you so much for your kind comments.

I have changed the line to destiny (as suggested by Hawk), mainly because it sounded a little better and fit the poem more. I also already used potential in one of the lines.

@Hawk
Thanks!

I have made all the changes you stated. I think that it sounds a lot better.

@Delta
Thank you!

I am glad that you liked the poem.