pride

[cogs]

she implicitly spanked
with a sorrowed scan
of her lemon son,
who was bent to distort
their homogeneity;
incautiously piercing tangled vine,
unwittingly unwinding unity,
severing umbilical identity,
until her tempered hand
packed his void with sand
and sorrow

[Bar22do]

she implicitly spanked
with a sorrowed scan
of her lemon son,
who was bent to distort
their homogeneity;
incautiously piercing tangled vine,
unwittingly unwinding unity,
severing umbilical identity,
until her tempered hand
packed his void with sand
and sorrow

a tragedy so economically expressed... concision is your signature, cogs, and this condensed poem is poignant. The last three lines make for an intensely felt a conclusion... thanks - Bar

[cogs]

bardo... thank you for identifying this style with a name. another forum i frequent has a gay youth whose mother has disdain for him. since he's already depressed, she isn't helping his state.

[Bar22do]

bardo... thank you for identifying this style with a name. another forum i frequent has a gay youth whose mother has disdain for him. since he's already depressed, she isn't helping his state.
and of course I meant the son's tragedy, but you got it right though I understated.
Since I came back to your poem, do you think you could re-think the L5 counting from the end up? the three "u" are too much to my taste (though I suppose they're intended), but perhaps it's only me... what do other think, I wonder?

[cogs]

what i had intended was a tangent into her piercing glance, and the parallel of him cutting himself. the 'un' line isn't very good, so i'll have to add something else.

[cogs]

2nd version:

she implicitly spanked
with a sorrowed scan
of her lemon son,
who was bent to distort
their homogeneity;
disdain assails his heartvein,
severing umbilical identity,
relieving failure's pressure,
until her tempered hand
packs his void with sand
and sorrow

[qimissung]

I think I prefer the "Incautiously piercing tangled vine " line;I'm not suggesting that you change it back. I'm not even surewhy I like it better, but I do. You don't see much literature on how parent mistreat their offspring and their outsized expectations~a thoughtful and welcome addition to the canon

[PrinceMyshkin]

2nd version:

she implicitly spanked
with a sorrowed scan
of her lemon son,
who was bent to distort
their homogeneity;
disdain assails his heartvein,
severing umbilical identity,
relieving failure's pressure,
until her tempered hand
packs his void with sand
and sorrow

In truth I had some trouble understanding this until I read one or two of the other responses. May I suggest, however, that it might read better or more clearly with the following changes to the first 3 lines:


with a sorrowing scan
she implicitly spanked
her lemon son...

[cogs]

bardo, kim, and prince, thank you for your suggestions. a finished poem is for me, a chance to get something down (as well as out). i probably could continue the poem indefinitely, like a work in progress. what helps me, is different techniques for getting across the ideas, since, as bardo pointed out, i tend toward concision (word?). i wonder if extraneous words (like 'it is', or 'he did that') cannot imply and help the overall meaning? or how do i get them into the poem?

[Bar22do]

I believe your style does without them very effectively. These words may be relevant in other poetic "situations" while would feel really extraneous here... keep to your way, perhaps only relax more if you can: you provide enough incentive for the reader to dig into the meaning...
I like your revision. though I too have some regrets re "tangled vine". We always must sacrifice something, and your final "product" reads to me even better than its prototype...! thanks cogs, Bar