Garden of Luna

[Jesterhead]

A fountain runs quiet
Through flaming steps and icy air,
Torches hanging on pillars and walls
Gather the light over the water.

Silver tears over the open night sky
Praise the beauty of hers,
And light this ruined garden
As silvery roses bloom around her marble breasts.

In the flame she is moving slow
With flaming eyes as she breathes frost,
In the air so calm and still, her voice
Whispering passionate words:

Embrace me now, delightful ease!
Give me a world of wondrous peace!
Calm the desperate scream in my heart!
And embrace me in your essence!

Through her silvery body
Her skin enchants me,
In this silver frosted night
I place her in a coffin of moonlight.

Through the water and floating leaves
The night air never hurt so deep,
In the throne of her fertile loins
I Bleed red rivers through my face.

The veil of fog covers her velvet skin
As she lies naked under the moon,
Our souls passes through the haunted touch
Of the burning heart in despair.

And when she lies silent
Her beauty lights the shade,
As I burned down on my knees
I found myself, completely at ease.

[hillwalker]

This is good stuff, Jester. Definitely one of your better pieces. The atmosphere you have created is almost tangible.

Well done, H

[Le_Iris]

I agree with hillwalker. The atmosphere is so incredible!

[Hawkman]

Definately your best post so far. Good stuff.

[krymsonkyng]

Curious, have you ever heard of the band "Tiger Army"? I think you would like them. Maybe even as much as I enjoyed your poem.

[Jesterhead]

Thank you! I am glad you all enjoyed my poem.


Curious, have you ever heard of the band "Tiger Army"? I think you would like them. Maybe even as much as I enjoyed your poem.

Haven't heard of them before you told me about them, but I have just listened a couple of songs, and I like his voice, but I especially enjoy their lyrics.

[Buh4Bee]

finished this with a feeling of serenity.

[Jesterhead]

that is part of what I was aiming for

[krymsonkyng]

Ah, good. Now give "Stretched on Your Grave" by Abney Park a listen and let me know how you like it.

[Bar22do]

A fountain runs quiet
Through flaming steps and icy air,
Torches hanging on pillars and walls
Gather the light over the water.

Silver tears over the open night sky
Praise the beauty of hers,
And light this ruined garden (why is the garden ruined? what do I miss?)
As silvery roses bloom around her marble breasts.

In the flame she was moving slow (why not in present: "she is moving")
With flaming eyes as she breathed frost,
In the air so calm and still, her voice
Whispering passionate words:

Embrace me now, delightful ease!
Give me a world of wondrous peace!
Calm the desperate scream in my heart!
And embrace me in your essence!

Through(OUT?) her /silvery/ (LUSTROUS, WHITE not to repeat silver?) body
Her skin enchants me,
In this silver frosted night
I place her in a coffin of moonlight.

Through the water and floating leaves
The night air never hurtS so deep,
In the throne of her fertile loins
I bleed red rivers through my face.

The veil of fog covers her velvet skin
As she lies naked under the moon (this is repetition, isn't it?),
Our souls pass/es/? through the haunted touch
Of the burning heart in despair.

And when she lies silent
Her beauty lights the shade,
As I, burned down on my knees
/I found/ find myself /completely/ (CHARMED AND instead?) at ease.

This is moving and flowing great, feels so authentic. "a coffin of moonlight" is a beautiful metaphor, Jesterhead!
My minor suggestions/corrections/questions are above inside your poem, please have a look ( in () for suggested replacement in CAPITAL LETTERS, and // where I'd erase a word) but assess for yourself, goes without saying. I'd also suggest you should decide if you'd rather write in the past or in present tense (to me it seems the present tense is better).
A sensuous, heartwarming reading, in spite of the frost! - Best regards - Bar

[Jesterhead]

Thank you, I was to be in present tense, though I have realised now there are places where it is in past present, I will correct that.

The garden is ruined because the surroundings was to reflect the mood of the piece, and as I like to use the phrase 'painting pictures with words' the ruined garden will add to the imagery, with torches, flaming steps etc. it is the same with silvery body because I had described the light as silvery, that light reflected upon her body.