Impasse

[_Shannon_]

Staring at the blank page
so much and yet
nothing to say

A train is moaning
in the distance.
The clouds are greywhite
and moving fast.
Blackbirds peck angrily
and squabble loudly.
Wind makes an ocean
in the trees.

Wanting to write it
to be noticed by you,
to be found extraordinary;

Sucking you in
to live this world
to be loved by you,

But cars drive past
without seeing and with
nothing to say.

[milktea]

Very nice imagery.


Sucking you in
to live this world
to be loved by you,

in the second verse of this stanza, I'm not sure what you mean. Is this to 'live in' or this a typo for 'love'?

[_Shannon_]

Meh--I couldn't decide between how it is and "live in this world"-- it seemed like the "in" sort of changed the meaning. Without the "in" it sort of felt like it was a "if you lived in my world" kind of thing...

Lol! This is probably incoherent, we're in the middle of bedtime here and I have a baby on one arm and have had the other five kiddos file past asking for kisses and hugs and tomorrow's plans....I can definitely try again if this makes no sense!

[lallison]

This is great, a poem about writer's block. The irony is fantastic! Great imagery too!

[MorpheusSandman]

Ooh, I really love this. I tend to like art about art anyway, but I especially love it when it seems to extend the concept of art to basic human wants: wanting to be loved, to be noticed, to be appreciated, etc. It's especially powerful when one thinks that that the sheer need to express overpowers the inability to do so by speaking about that inability. Really, a wonderful piece.

[hillwalker]

Brilliantly written.
That line :
Wind makes an ocean
in the trees.
I can hear it.....

H

[_Shannon_]

Thank y'all so much for your feedback!! I'm actually really surprised...lol! I have been having so much trouble writing lately, everything I write feels sort of half-assed and unfinished to me. But I'm trying to decide that meh poetry is better than no poetry, and if y'all think that this is alright--it gives me courage to just to keep on with this same tack--writing when I have time and letting it not be overly constructed, etc. until my life changes.

[PrinceMyshkin]

I like this as it is AND it reminds me of other poems you have posted in the past - the one with the yellow lines running down the road in particular. Not that it is thematically related to any other one in particular, but I welcome the sound of you clearing your throat.

[blank|verse]

The first stanza makes for a weak opening to be honest, Shannon, and I feel the poem would be stronger without it, but there are some fine moments in this.

Like hillwalker, I found the 'ocean in the trees' metaphor outstanding; and I also liked this:

A train is moaning
in the distance.

[_Shannon_]

Thanks blank verse--I also thought it was weak...

hmmm...dropping it altogether--now there's an idea! Let me sit with that!