June 5th

[Bar22do]

I forgot what happened on June 5th,
one year or some years ago;
a regular life day on earth
rubbed out from my memory.

Your sister obviously remembers better,
caught for a time in that blue sedating ward
now only listening to echoic corridors
expecting relief or maybe nothing.

You remember too
and perhaps you'd die for a while, for a day,
were you able
and return the next day or after
you made sure your Mom's doing fine in her right department
free from the need to breathe, to sleep, or to pain,
with grace moving about the rainbow alleys.

And in sky-mirrors she'd come across your beard
and your key sunglasses,
(anyway you’re always around her)
and after a talk she would ask you
to give a hug, a kiss to all, when you're back,
and a healing special one to her daughter,
and to be of help once more if she can -

as, confiding, she already waves to you à dieu
smiling.

[_Shannon_]

If this is related to your "real" life ...I just want to give you a great big, epic hug!

[MorpheusSandman]

I'm not entirely sure what you're referring to here, but I get the sense that there's a lot of emotion bubbling under the subtle, understated surface. I must say that some of the enjambed syntax got a little confusing for me, especially the third stanza which makes it unclear whether it's all supposed to be apart of one sentence or, if not, where the breaks are.

[Bar22do]

Thanks -Shannon-, a hug's always good to take! It's not related to MY life other than by sharing a friend's feelings, though expressed rather clumsily here I'm afraid in an impulsive stream of solidary thought. Morpheus, I don't know if punctuation helps the understanding, but it's at least that, for the time being (time being expensive these days...) thanks for your honest comment. Warm regards to both - Bar

[Hawkman]

Hi Bar, On the whole I really like this. It is infused with that dreamlike, ephemeral quality which I find so moving in your work. I have read it several times.

There are a couple of instances where I lose the sense of the line though. When I first read it I thought the person in extremis in the hospital was the sister. I now realise that the description refers to the mother.

"And in sky-mirrors she comes across your beard
and your key sun-glasses..."

I love this line, the language is evocative but I don't understand it in context.

"you made sure your Mom's doing fine in her right department
free from the need to breathe, to sleep, or to pain..."

Would seem to indicate a state of coma, whereas

"and after a gratifying talk she asks you
to give a hug, a kiss to all, when you're back,
and a healing special one to her daughter..."

Would seem to indicate that the mother is conscious and responsive and takes me back to thinking that the sister is subject.

I know I'm missing something. I love the poem, the way it flows. The individual images it stimulates are clear, but not completely coherent in the flow of the narrative. I just don't quite understand it.

Best H

[hillwalker]

I can sense the helplessness of being in a hospital bed, surrendering to the parade of familiar visitors - their touches, their emotions, their messages of goodwill.
And I guess your aim was to present much of this poem as an observation of the patient from the sidelines - by having a conversation of sorts with her/his memory rather than with her/him in person (possibly because /shehe is indeed now trapped in the past).

Perhaps I've got it totally wrong but like any poem each interpretation differs from reader to reader.
I definitely got something out of it, and succeeded in grasping the sense of stanza 3 without too much trouble.
A very absorbing piece.

H

[blank|verse]

Like overhearing a personal conversation, this is an uncomfortable poem to read, but it's handled with your usual admirable control of rhythm and emotion; and that it feels like overhearing a personal conversation is testament to your skill as a poet.

The opening stanza is deceptively chatty, and contains a rather 'alien' line that I'm a bit unsure about:

a regular life day on earth
I thought these lines worked particularly well, but would be tempted to realign them like this:

you remember too
and perhaps you'd die for a while, for a day,
were you able [...]
which lets the anapaests roll and linger. It's a wonderfully rhythmic section in which the form of the poem – the repetition of a poetic foot – harmonizes brilliantly with the content to lend a rather mournful quality to the narrator's voice. Beautifully achieved.

The third stanza, where the conversation appears to imagine a visit to heaven is nicely realised, emotional without being too sentimental.

I'm not sure about 'echoic corridors' – it's hard to pronounce because of the clash of guttural 'ck'-sounds. I suppose there's an argument to say they imitate the echo they describe, but I think 'echoing corridors' reads better, and still contains a repetition of the 'ck'.

I'd make 'sun-glasses' one word. And I wasn't sure about 'gratifying' – it's a bit too prosaic as a word (although I realise English isn't your first language) and it's a rare moment of straying into 'telling', the reader would undoubtedly infer the nature of such a conversation.

But overall, another laudable piece of writing.

[Bar22do]

Hawkman thanks for commenting, I see how confusing the contents are... so that I appreciate even more that you took your time and found something moving in my poem....
Hillwalker, yes, once written, a poem may be many stories, but you guessed right: while the sister is still caught in the past, her brother is fine, only missing their Mom... Thanks for your reading and for having searched to get sth out of it!
B/V, you always astonish me with your perceptions - how you got the story right and felt its personal, intimate dimension; how also you sensed the rhythms, anapaests etc. that, if I'm aware of, remain mostly instinctive... Your realignment of the three lines is right and reading great and I'll adopt it... I have to think about "echoic corridors" which, though hard to pronounce, still render the echo better and are "colder", kind of... I too stumbled on "gratifying" once I posted the poem, so I'll think how to change it.
If one day you decided to became a literary critic after all, you would sure open a new era in which kindness combined with broad knowledge would become the lenses for frank critiques...
It's always an experience to read your masterful, neat, founded, well written comments (wherever you offer them, not only here) - thanks a lot - Bar

[Bar22do]

JUNE 5th

I forgot what happened on June 5th,
one year or some years ago;
for many a regular life day on earth,
rubbed out from memory.

Your sister obviously remembers better,
caught for a time in that blue sedating ward
now only listening to echoic corridors
expecting relief or maybe nothing.

You remember too
and perhaps you'd die for a while, for a day,
were you able
and return the next day or after
you made sure your Mom's doing fine in her right department
free from the need to breathe, to sleep, or to pain,
with grace moving about the rainbow alleys.

And in sky-mirrors she'd come across your beard
and your key sunglasses,
(anyway you’re always around her)
and after a talk she would ask you
to give a hug, a kiss to all, when you're back,
and a healing special one to her daughter,
and to be of help once more if she can -

as, confiding, she already waves to you à dieu
smiling.

[hack]

It is beautiful Bar,
as are you.
...peace...

[cogs]

'that blue sedating ward' is an excellent subtle insult. also, it's a great contrast between the single day, and the lengthy stay and eternal death. it's refreshing to see the action, instead of hearing an explanation to help us (i think that's the best quality of art, its happening that we experience). parallelism is good also, between the echoes and mirror.

[lallison]

I read this a few days ago and decided to come back to it as I had trouble deciphering the drama. Now, after reading again, helped by other comments and the rewrite, it becomes clearer, and it is quite eloquent, as always.

I agree with B/V that "echoing corridors" sounds a bit better.

i was thrown off a bit by all the characters: I, you, your sister, mom, her daughter, your beard, but with a closer reading it all becomes a family. Personal allusions are often difficult for readers to decipher, but I think yours becomes clear.

Sad but lovely, it illustrates the heart and loss of a family. nice poem.

[Bar22do]

hack: beauty is in your peace! thanks for reading...

cogs: thanks for close reading and for appreciating the contrasts and action.

lallison: the poem has a personal dimension, it was written for a friend, so I'm happy it received a broader attention than what I expected, including yours! I'm still hesitating between echoic and echoing (though aware the last "flows" better)

Thanks you all.