Looking Out From a Balcony Near Prague

[mushin]

Looking out from a balcony near Prague

The snow winks at the sun
The sun’s glare unflinching
The air is sharp
But clean
Slightly hurting to breathe.

The mist ascends
Now even brighter
Warmth!
Light!
It hurts less to breathe.

The trees extended
Like phallic totems
Green from white snow
Their frost slowly melts.

Life emerges
From holes, caves and rocks
Once timid in hovels
Now completely alive.

The day continues
The sun moving round
And down
Until dusk.

[PrinceMyshkin]

I love poems like this one that capture a particular moment in a particular locale.

Change "breath" to breathe.

[blank|verse]

I really like the economy and bare simplicity of your style, mushin - it's very effective and makes for an enjoyable poem.

I read this weekend that Louis MacNeice suggested a poet should 'look, then pass on' and that spirit seems to be captured here.

There are some nice images here; to improve, maybe you could try to make the metaphors more original as every word counts when you strip back poetry like this.

And I wasn't keen on the 'phallic totems' - it's too suggestive an image and out-of-place in context.

But in all, a nice poem - good work.

[hillwalker]

This paints a very vivid picture. A wonderfully simple poem.

I could find no fault with it, but felt that the line at the end of verse 2 :

It hurts less to breathe.

is slightly out of place and the poem would read better without it.

This line seems to suggest it is one of a number of similar refrains to verse 1's closing line that are going to be repeated at the end of the remaining stanzas.
Since that is not the case, having two similar lines in such close proximity is slightly distracting.

H

[Lumiere]

Through the simple force of the language, I feel like, in a fragmented way, I went there.

[Bar22do]

in a way yes, you SIMPLY "looked and passed on"... and reminded thus about how fast seasons pass and life itself... even if the stress is on the welcome beginnings... for "... soon it's evening" said Quasimodo... congrats for your poem. Bar

[MorpheusSandman]

The spareness of the piece kinda reminds me of Milton's "Song on May Morning", which is even more brief, believe it or not!

[jaguar12345]

Haiku-ish piece - the ending 'Until dusk' gives a very terse, concise, but at the same time a powerful strike to the whole scenario.